on ships of gold, i never knew

So I have a ton ton ton of things going on, and I don't have the slightest idea where to begin or how to explain any of it. I guess there maybe isn't so much of a need since my closest friends are aware. I'm conflicted about writing about it just yet, maybe because I don't want to jinx things or also because involved parties don't know this dumbo blog exists and I'm not sure when/if this gets revealed. Life is totally unreal this week on so many levels that my head is exploding, in some ways very good and others very bad.

I've been reading a lot of feminist texts about women bloggers and what it means to be able to put your personal voice into the lexicon of public consciousness and history, and how if you look back over time that it was totally revolutionary and new to be able to have the option of being heard as an 'average woman'. I've been reading a lot about voices of past women, that women who kept seemingly innocuous diaries ended up teaching generations and centuries of women in the future so much about the culture/society of which these women lived in. (Think No Priest but Love the book of Anne Lister's diary for proof of the impact independent writing can bring. Without her diary we wouldn't understand how lesbianism/female friendships were manifested in 1800s France. I read this book years ago and it has always served as a writing inspiration for me.) I'm not saying I'm some revolutionary - hardly - but I think what many of these women are saying taps into me on a very root level and helps me understand why I do this in this manner. And motivates me to continue despite adversaries/haters/jerks/whatever. Like any website, move along if you can't stand it. Or enjoy mocking it. Who gives a shit what anyone does anymore really. Its the internet.

Last night new Edward made me some killer turkey burgers with oddly fancy bacon and swiss cheese as well as an arugula salad that was pretty sweet. I also got surprised today at work with a lunch hand delivered to me. Its a very welcome change of pace. Tomorrow is a Sox game and Thursday is (maybe) a book reading if I'm up for it.

this song resonates

Today's been a rough day mentally. I need to pay attention to how often I'm getting these because it may mean I need to go back on the prozac/'bute combo.

I wrote last night. I finished Then we came to the end and got inspired. Stupid. Nobody should write after finishing a book they thought was well written. How do novice writers do it? I look back and its all so cheesy and hackneyed. I wish I could just write comedy or adventure, where its supposed to be that way. Makes me really admire my friend Jacob, who has allowed many friends and relatives to read not one, not two, but three books he has written. I will never have the guts to even let my closest friend read what I work on beyond blog walls.

the past revisited

So remember in my last post I said I thought it'd be funny to read old blog posts? Well I checked what I had written on this day in history..2003...four years ago. It's pretty funny. Let's dissect it. Italics are the original post, normal is my analysis:

Yesterday was nothing but disastrous. It should be noted there was no post the day before so I have no written proof of what made that day disastrous, nor do I have any recollection. Based on the time period, I'd imagine that the "disastrous" was a crappy day at that crappy job and someone getting stabbed on the 19 Polk.

Today, I slept until noon after having a totally strange dream, made pancakes, and laid around until 3. This is what I did every weekend in SF for about a year. Who am I kidding, this is what I still do every weekend. Looks like nothing has changed.

Then Jake and I went to a coffee shop nearby that we think has "cool" people at it. It made me feel much much better to get out of the house. Did some reading for school there. Coffee shop was Farleys in our old neighborhood, Potrero Hill, and I believe the definition of cool here means people our age that looked as broke as we were. We of course did not talk to anyone, and I probably only read five pages of some really boring library school text before we got bored and left.

Then we ordered Chinese and went to the store. Now I am stuffed and am going to do some more work. This was the fall where Jake and I pretty much ate our way trough the city. I gained 15 pounds, and spent the next year losing it. Whoops.

I bought some Skyy Cosmo mix. Don't know if it's any good but its cheaper than buying one at the bar thats for sure. Gross, not sure why the hell I'd buy that. I remember it being horrible and really sugary. I threw it out after one attempt at a drink.

September 27, 2003 was a pretty boring day it looks like. I really wish I still had the archives from before 2003, but the robbery and full blogger crash years ago ruined those options for me. I know my college posts were the true doozies.