these are more than just words

Last night I got dinner at El Cid's back patio with new E. It was nice weather out so it felt good to be outside for a few hours. Today was work which was pretty busy because I had to get all my crap together for my trip to Bloomington tomorrow. I leave early Thursdays (therapy!) so I had to make sure everything was done by 2.

Therapy was good. No tears! We ended up talking way more about one situation and not as much about the one I thought we would. It was the first week in awhile where I left and had to immediately write things down so I could pick them back up later. Essentially she said that if I'm so exhausted from how things are going now then why am I doing it to myself? Because I'm a sucker, that's why.

I had to pick up a rental car downtown for the trip tomorrow. Work's paying for it and it sort of rules because I got to use it to make a big grocery trip tonight! I don't really want a car but sometimes it's nice to have so much freedom to hop in and go somewhere whenever I want.

I'll be up at 5 a.m. tomorrow and on the road by 6. Barf. Then it'll be a quiet night before my Saturday morning 9 mile run. The weekend seems pretty open other than absolutely having to get Audrey's nails cut.

where there's smoke...

The past few days have been pretty busy, but mostly in a good way. Tuesday I ran, chilled out, then met up with Christy and Jennifer for dinner at Sultan's and drinks at Rodan. We had a good time and talked about anything from all having dude trouble to opening multiplexes to how to crush capitalism.

The next morning I had to wake up early to meet new Edward to uh..go see R Kelly enter the Cook County Courthouse. I've toyed with this idea for a few weeks because I want to see how ridiculous it all is. I haven't been yet because it would interfere with work, and because the spectacle isn't as massive since the judge has a gag order on every aspect of the trial it seems.

We didn't know when he was going to get there so we met at 7, took the California bus down there and hung out. For over two hours. During that time we got coffee from a street vendor, talked to members of the press, people watched other citizens going to court to get sentenced, and talked about why Wes Anderson is good at what he does but how the Darjeeling Ltd wasn't good.

Finally at 10, R Kelly and his entourage showed up. His fans, all women oddly enough, started shouting R KELLY R KELLY!! One threw out her phone number! We got so excited that I started running along the path he was taking so Edward could take photos of us in the same place. You can see these in my flickr photos. After about 30 seconds it was all over. It was pretty exhausting - all that anticipation, then this burst of insanity, then it being all over. Maybe like having sex? Ew.

After the pandemonium we took the California bus north only to find out that it stops running much further south than we needed it to in order to get to brunch. So we ended up walking forever. We walked a lot that morning. I came home, tried to nap but was all worked up, then had to turn right around and go to the Sox game with Soup. I finally saw a winning game this season, putting me at 1-3. By the end of the day I realized I had been outside for almost 11 hours. Oy.

This morning I slept in even though I really shouldn't have. I met Nate at his office and got lunch. That was pretty cool to see where he sits all day. Then I finally spent my Anthropologie gift certificate on a sweetass pair of summer jeans that are a size smaller! Running rules! I also got a cute shirt. Now I just need the weather to cooperate so I can actually wear summer clothes.

Next I went to therapy. I hadn't been in two weeks and holy shit did I have a lot to tell her about. In the end she hinted politely at me being totally pathetic, which I am and am aware of, but still doesn't feel good to hear someone basically say "well no duh things aren't going where you want them to when you do xyz" The one good thing I got out of therapy was cancelling a really Bad Idea Date I had scheduled for tonight. It would have made me feel horrible and not helped me accomplish what I want, so fuck it. Turns out I don't really want to be dating. It took me to actually have a date to realize that.

Now here I am at home. I forgot I was cooking rice for burritos until I thought I smelled burnt popcorn. Whoops, I had burnt my rice. I have never ever burnt rice. So now I'm doing Rice Round 2, meaning another 30 minutes until dinner. I may go to Club Foot tonight for a few drinks, but depends on if someone wants to drive me. I'm feeling lazy.

Tomorrow I'm getting lunch with a friend then hopefully just relaxing. I haven't read as much as I had wanted to during this vacation and I also haven't been watching movies. I've had a good week off and its been enjoyable, but I wish I would have stuck to the "do nothing all week" plan a bit more.

second stage

I just walked Audrey, and for a brief second I could have sworn I was in San Francisco. Damp, cool, breezy, late night dog walk. It was nice, wouldn't have minded staying out there longer if it were safer to do so. I was going to try to go out tonight, now I'm almost regretting it since it isn't so rainy anymore.

Therapy this week was about identity, when you lose it, how you get it, how you keep it. It was pretty interesting. More spreading eggs talk, but not in the same way as last week which was enlightening. As long as I don't have to look at my credit card bill, I'll keep going to her. She's pretty a-ok.

retail therapy and therapy

Wednesday I took a vacation day because I just couldn't handle the thought of sitting at work for 8 hours doing nothing. My friend Andy has the week off from teaching (Spring Break!), so we went on a suburban shopping excursion to the premium outlets in Aurora (yes, where Wayne's World takes place). It was a strange mix of very midwestern outlet mall and then high end stores like Armani and Diesel outlets. I realized earlier this week that I have no clothes for this spring or summer, and that I was still wearing clothes I bought when I lived in Madison which was 6 years ago. Sick! I'm not that body shape anymore nor should I be dressing like I'm 21. So I splurged a bit and got: 3 skirts (one black mini, one knee length denim, one amazing herringbone/tweedish a-line), 2 shirts for summer, 1 adorbs cardigan, 2 bras, underwear, 3 pairs of socks, one pair of work bermuda-style shorts. So much! It was really fun to take all the tags off and hang new things in my closet for the first time in a long time. I also ordered a great pair of canvas skimmers/flats for summer feet happy time. Now if only the weather would accommodate my new clothes and stop snowing!

Wednesday night I saw Sleep Out at the Beat Kitchen. I was really nervous to go as it was the first time I've seen anybody since 'the breakup'. There was a competing show last night, so fortunately (?) I didn't have to see too many people and feel stupid and worthless and unwanted. It's all in my head though, I'm aware, nobody acted or treated me stupidly. Stupid head.

Speaking of a stupid head, today I met with a therapist. I haven't seen one in Chicago before. There's a funny story about accidentally calling some freaky religious psychotherapy group, but have no fear, I found a much cooler place to go that has feminist therapists. I liked the woman, but usually it takes awhile to know if they are really good. She seems to think that it'll be about 12 weeks to really make major headway on my "goals" which apparently are:

-stop being jealous/hurt when people don't invite me to do things but invite others
-stop being a control freak/mother to Nate
-stop thinking everybody hates me or thinks I'm not cool or that people 'owe me' for whatever reason I think that (I don't know why I think that, hence the therapy)

It was sort of weird to be on a therapist's couch again. My last session was almost exactly two years ago, when I decided to move to Chicago and start anew, and here I am having many of the same problems I had then with regards to control/perfection/depression. Guess I'm stuck with this for life. How's that for depressing, that I'm just permanently damaged and will spend my entire life having to be conscious of how good or bad I've got it under control.

Tomorrow I'm doing dinner and a movie with Nate, and Saturday I'm doing crafty/sewing day with Wendy. Should be a pretty ok weekend.