Anaheim Day 2

This morning I had my 7 am run. A lovely 12 miles with my running partner who happens to be here as well. We ran along a dried up river which was weird. I kept thinking we'd see dead bodies. We didn't. We did see a baby doll that looked like a dead baby.

I came back to the hotel, showered, and headed to the convention center. Talked to some vendors I needed to talk to, wandered around a bit. I remember my first ALA four years ago, and how I didn't understand why anybody bothered to go to the Exhibit Hall. Now that I have a job I get it a bit more. I don't find it enjoyable, in fact I sort of hate it, but I understand why it must be done. I had to talk to a few vendors and database reps with some questions I needed answered to report back to work. I didn't dawdle however. Got out as soon as I found the five people I needed to see.

My presentation was at 1:30. It went ok. We were expecting a larger audience because the program was some sort of 'things of note' thing in some pre-conference materials. I think the program became something different than what was advertised, which disappointed me. I have a lot more sympathy now for people who coordinate these programs. You never really know what your speakers are going to say or how well they are going to do, you just have to hope for the best. I think I'll be less critical of programs I go to that suck because there really is very little way to know how its going to go. So I guess I did learn something from this experience.

I took a power nap, and then Juan and Patricia arrived!!! I haven't seen them since I moved to Chicago. They moved to LA shortly after I left SF. We got right back into good ole days mode. We ate at a pretty good Vietnamese place. I told them about how I've tried 5 different Vietnamese places in Chicago and still think they all suck. We also went to this place that does italian ices with soft serve in it! It was awesome and probably so so bad for you. J and P haven't changed a bit. They are still some of the nicest most enjoyable people to be around on the planet, and I miss them so much. They were such a huge part of my San Francisco experience. Without them I wouldn't have met most of the people I knew there who were also all totally awesome. So I'm left happy that I saw them but also a bit sad that they aren't a part of my daily life anymore.

Even though I'm in southern California and it is so different from SF, I still feel this great pull to return to California. The air, the weather, the people, the landscape are all calling me. Anaheim totally blows but its still very Californian at its core. It may be all chains and yuckiness but you can't change climate, and when you do see a true local you know they are Californian.

I don't know if Chicago is really a good fit for me. I can go a few months at a time without questioning or thinking about it and just going through the daily motions of work, sleep, friends, but when I stop to look around Chicago I remember that I really just don't like the city that much. I don't like the food, I don't really like the population (excluding my friends and coworkers), I don't like the politics, I don't like the geography, I hate the weather for 6 months of the year, and I don't like how spread out and large it is. The city works for most people I know, it seems like most of them love the city of Chicago and not just love their lives there. They love the actual city. I think I just like where my life is and the city seems to be this minor inconvenience or sacrifice to having a job and a great apartment and some close friends.

I miss my typical Sunday in SF. Getting breakfast at Tartine or Pork Store or that crepe place near Fillmore and Haight, walking audrey through Buena Vista Park with Jake, breathing in the nice air through my open windows, enjoying a midday nap, meeting up with friends for an awesome affordable meal, and heading home to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I liked how the daytimes were the active time there and not the late nights. I liked that the options of things to do didn't start and stop at booze, and that I didn't have to be at a bar every weekend in order to see people.

I know Chicago has a lot to offer in the way of museums, downtown, neighborhoods, and the lake front etc, but it takes more effort to get to those things. In SF a short train ride on the N dumped me at the beach, or if I went the other way it was only 4 stops to the MoMA and Yerba Buena Center for the Arts. I could also just sit in a park and watch people all day. Chicago parks seem to be built around playgrounds. There's more to do with your dog in SF too. Way way way better dog parks on actual grass not concrete, huuuge dog beach that isn't overcrowded and doesn't require a park license, really cool dog daycares, great nature hikes in the city.

To be fair to both cities, you really can't compare the two. They aren't the same size, same anything really other than being famous American cities. And I should probably stop being SF homesick because the likelihood of me ever being able to move back is zilch. I should try to find the things I miss from SF in Chicago and make a better effort. I'll never grow to like or appreciate the city if my heart's still in another one. My cousin said to me a few weeks ago, "you can't help who turns your crank" and while she meant it in regards to men (and you could also replace 'city' in the previous sentence with 'man'), it applies to cities or anything else too. I can't force myself to like a place just because I should and I can't get over a place just to be over it.

All this Chicago-hating at this moment is probably just because I just saw my CA besties, and now I'm stuck in my hotel room with just me, a crappy tv, and some time to kill before I can fall asleep.

words to live by

I'm reading Sisterhood, Interrupted: From Radical Women to Grrls Gone Wild by Deborah Siegel. Its pretty feminism 101ish but still an enjoyable read. Siegel includes a Gloria Steinem quote that I keep coming back to. From Sisterhood, "As Steinem explained, whether at speak-outs, consciousness-raising groups, or public hearings, the goal was "Tell your personal truth, listen to other women's stories, see what themes are shared, and discover that the personal is political - you are not alone." (I inevitably sing Michael Jackson next)

I think speak-outs and public hearings have gone the way of the 8-track or betamax, and have been converted/upgraded to newer more accessible outlets - blogs. I think zines were in between the public hearings and blogs. Of course zines still exist and are fun and amazing and feminist and subversive and all that (Hi Alycia!) but the ease of push-button publishing, zero costs (you can blog for free from the public library) and the ubiquitousness of the internet make blogs the avenue of choice to conduct the modern-day speak-outs/public hearings. Plus the ability to comment and create discussion with other feminists (or just randoms!) immensely increases consciousness raising and public forums in an improved manner - now we get to consciousness raise with people that aren't just in our neighborhood or social circle. We get to speak to women around the world about their daily lives, their personal is political themes.

Something I've been pondering lately is if criticizing blogging (female specifically) is a form of backlash. It most definitely is when you take examples of men threatening violence and spewing sexual harassment and female-hate towards prominent female (and feminist) bloggers for simply writing their beliefs. But is it backlash to hate on a woman blogger who isn't writing solely as a 'feminist', who is writing as just your average woman? Is it backlash for men to say "she shouldn't write that"? Is that a way of silencing the personal, of trivializing a person's life and thoughts? Or is it just a product of a society that continues to adhere to traditional puritanistic views of what should be out in the open?

Are male personal bloggers criticized? Certainly. But I think they get criticized in a different way. Of course I have no statistics but it seems as if there are more females using their blog as more of a reflective diary than men...? So for men to write a post detailing some great personal pain or struggle would come off as weak and unmasculine. Perhaps one reason there is (anecdotally) fewer male reflective bloggers is because they aren't raised in a society that is accepting of men expressing themselves. So men are also being screwed over by societal norms.

I think it's sad that there aren't traditional consciousness raising groups. We have stitch'n'bitches but I'd like to see more women coming together and just talking about their daily concerns, victories, struggles and questions. We do that at a bar or at a friend's party, but how often are we getting a group of women that aren't already friends together to do what Steinem discussed? And why aren't we?

I have learned over the years that I have a need to get things off my chest. For years I thought I was much more closed off and didn't need to relate on a personal level with others but I've grown out of that. Now, for whatever reason, I want to express myself and I desire a venue with which to do that. I'm not a musician or an actress, and I enjoy writing, so here it is. Is it vanity? The need for attention? The desire to connect with others for support? Boredom? The mere documenting of my life for remembrance in the future? The need to explain myself because I'm not good at it face to face? An outlet for angsts and achievements? Does it really matter why the hell I do it? If you follow the advice of our feminist foremothers, the "why" doesn't matter one f'in bit (sidenote: foremothers isn't a recognized word but forefathers is. harumph).

I believe, and have believed in it since I first learned the phrase 10 years ago, that the personal is political. Its disheartening to not hear so much about CR groups, about personal is political, as if the need for women to learn from each other and acknowledge how the state interferes and manipulates their personhood has disappeared. In a time where any day now we'll be returning to wire hanger back room abortions, where we have corporate right-wing pharmacies disguising themselves as 'normal' pharmacies but in fact they don't dispense any birth control or educate about basic women's health concerns (yet dispense Viagra, right...), where we watch female political figures repeatedly bound and gagged for being noisy loud-mouthed shrews or "angry black women" (Michelle Obama), where we can't walk two steps without seeing a skinny big-titted white woman selling us body dysmorphia and self hate, where we continue to see nothing wrong with genderizing our children from birth, where women are murdered for refusing to acknowledge a cat-call, where rape culture still exists and is accepted and perpetuated...in these times you cannot convince me that the personal isn't political.

So why have a blog where I dump my feelings, actions, heartbreak, anger, joy, mundane life details, politics, frustrations, observations, beliefs, triumphs and anguish? Because I believe with my entire being that we all (men, women, trans) should "Tell your personal truth, listen to other women's stories, see what themes are shared, and discover that the personal is political - you are not alone."

leftover birthday cupcakes, free to a good home

Yesterday was my 27th birthday. The morning was spent running with my training group. The afternoon was spent running all over town buying things for the party I had and borrowing chairs/tables from Ed and Soup (thanks guys!). I was pretty nervous about Audrey not doing well with people in the house. She was horrible with the first few guests, but after awhile got used to having people here. As long as nobody knocked on the door she was ok. I expected her to hide the whole night but she just spent it wandering around. She was probably looking for table scraps. I felt the party was a success - there were about 15 people here in my one bedroom apartment and it wasn't too tight. The only annoying aspect is that I totally over-bought food and booze. There's no way I'll eat all this junk food, so I don't want it in my house. I also don't drink alone, let alone whiskey or beer, so I also don't want that here. Next weekend is Memorial Day weekend though so maybe I can recycle a bunch of it at someone's house.

This is the first year I've ever been disturbed even in the slightest about getting older. The past few weeks I had a few times where I thought I was getting old. I know 27 isn't old, and the number doesn't bother me. What bothers me is what I haven't done and where I am not at this point. I wasn't "supposed" to be single, living alone in Chicago, in debt, and dealing with a bout of depression. This was not the life I had planned for myself. I remember just 5 years ago, when I was with Jake and was worried that by 25 we wouldn't have gotten engaged and then I'd be so old and starting over and all the good dudes would be taken. Turns out that at 25 I started all over as a single person. And now I'm doing it again after a break up that I can't seem to get over even as new options present themselves. I don't have this "I better be married by 30" deadline or anything, but I would like to have a partner. I feel like all of my friends are settling down, moving further towards the 'burbs, starting to have kids, and I'm getting left in the dust because I am not part of a pair that is on that path. I don't like that I don't have someone around to hang out with on a quiet weeknight, or to share my day's news with, or just someone who understands me better than anyone else. And I don't think being a successful strong woman and being a woman in a relationship with a good man are mutually exclusive concepts, although other people seem to think so and imply that I should be ashamed for wanting it. sigh.

So those are the thoughts that have been haunting me as my birthday came, and are with me today. I'd like to say I hope that in another 2 years this isn't the same case, but I don't want to be setting myself up for failure and disappointment like I clearly was doing back when I was 22 and determining where I wanted to be as I grew up. What can I say, I'm a librarian, meticulous future planning is my MO. My therapist would say its because my parents raised me in a cold and unloving divorce-land family. I'd rather just not think about how your childhood can make or break the next 80 years of your life. Depressing.

On a lighter note, today I went to Wendy's belly dancing recital. It was really cool! Saw some really amazing women doing moves I'd never be able to do. They must have so much self confidence to get up in front of a full audience wearing basically just a bra on top and shaking their stuff. Talk about strong ladies. So congrats Wendy, your show was great.

I'm not working at all this week and the only thing I must do tomorrow is return my modem to Comcast at some stupid far away building. Otherwise I'll read, maybe take the dog on a super long walk, watch some movies, relax. Should be nice.

yes, no, maybe so

Argh, so much going on but so little motivation to blog. Between running, reading (yes I have been reading), birthday plan prepping, visitors visiting, baseballing, dinnering, I'm pooped at the end of the day. Yesterday bestie Paul from Minneapolis spent the day with me. It was everything we had hoped for - rainy outside so we didn't feel guilty for being lazy, cozy inside so we loved watching episode after episode of the golden girls while eating total crap. We also watched 4 episodes of Cops and some show about women's prisons. Paul also installed all my undercabinet lighting that Nate and I had been having trouble with. It looks so so good now, and makes my place feel a lot cozier. Who knew that task lighting and non-ceiling lighting could make such a difference? Best Sunday Ever. I wish I lived closer to Kevin and Paul.

Today I had dinner with new Edward and new Jennifer. They made spinach and ricotta gnocchi, salad, and homemade bread! We also had sake with our meal. For dessert Jennifer had made a homemade apple and berry pie and it was still warm. I love having friends that live so close that also enjoy cooking! We spent about an hour watching performances off of The Old Grey Whistle Test dvds and laughing about prog rock and wild outfits. Around 8:45 I scurried home to be online in time to do Hills Chat with my friends. Its confirmed: The Paper is way better than the Hills.

Audrey is growing her hair on her neck and belly back. Its funny because she is shedding her winter coat like mad, but growing back her bald patches like mad too. Now that I've had her for...almost 3 years? I have figured out the pattern. Winter: No Hair, Summer: Hair. Makes no logical sense but shes a dog - what does she know about keeping warm. Nothing.

I also got a call tonight from my landlord, a call nobody wants to get. My check got returned to them, which I had feared happened. However, he was super cool about it! He said, just cut me a new check and we'll ignore that this happened. No penalties! I told him I was really embarrassed and that this has never happened before (truth), and he was like "whatever, we have so many tenants its not a big deal." This landlord rules - quick to fix things in my place and didn't flip on me for a bad check. I'll be dropping off a new one on the way to work tomorrow and life will be fine again.

In money related news, I finally cancelled my Comcast internet. That bill was the culprit for the overdrawn checking/returned rent check. Its totally my fault for not cancelling sooner, but I really hate cancelling services. They make it so difficult then they make you feel all awkward and bad about it. Worse, I have to go to this totally random comcast drop-center to return the cable modem and their hours are absolutely ridiculous. At least I finally took care of it, while re-learning my lesson that sometimes in life you have to do irritating shit but you do it because its what must be done. Presently, I can't really think of any other items on my List of Things to do That Suck but I do them because I am an Adult and I have to. Feels like a huge load off my shoulders to not have stupid obligational crap for awhile.

I also realized that I totally forgot to commemorate my two year anniversary of moving here on May 7th. Whoops. I guess its good that I don't even notice it because it means this is more and more home. Its also sad because I really do love San Francisco and miss it every day so to have been here for two years can sometimes be a bit sad. To think about all the stuff I've done in the past two years is pretty insane. Got a sweetass job, got a promotion at said job, had a shitty apartment and rectified it with an amazing apartment, reconnected with old friends and got new friends, went from single to not-single to single again, had some identity theft problems, survived two miserable winters, and so on. The best/most proud part of it is that I did all of these things on my own (well I obviousy didn't get not-single and dumped on my own). I was responsible for all the good, dealt with all the bad, and am really happy that I've been able to handle it all pretty well. If you had told me somewhere in the middle of my 4 year relationship with the ex that this is what I'd be doing at near 27, I would have most definitely scoffed. Guess it just goes to show that we really have minimal control over our 'future' no matter how hard we try? That or I'm a total failure? I'd like to think its the former.

2 years ago

Two years ago today I found out that I was accepted into the Master's program for Women's Studies back in San Francisco. If I had stayed there, I'd be in my last semester of it. Thinking about that is insane. I don't know if the feeling is one of depression and regret or relief and reflection. It's weird to think how different my life would be if I had stayed in SF. I surely would have been single by this point, probably living with random roommates, still working at the same place. Engaging in awesome discussions on gender and class and race and all that fun stuff. Going to Fort Funston with doggy and running wild on the beach. Sigh, ok now its starting to sound real real good. It blows my brain how much has changed in the past 2 years, and what could have been that now isn't.

My post from that day:

I got accepted to the women studies masters program at SFSU today. I have until April 17th to decide. Yikes! It seems like so much to think about, if I do it thats another 3 years here...is that cool with me? I don't know. What about my desire to move and be a drifter idiot? I feel happy I got in, but now I'm stressed. I wasn't even admitted conditionally, like I thought I'd be!

Circle of life, what goes around comes around, deja vu, etc

I just baked 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies. I live alone, Audrey isn't allowed to eat chocolate, and boyfriend is out bro-ing down with bros, celebrating being free from an evil employer. Unlike my last willfully unemployed drummer boyfriend, I'm actually excited about this development as compared to thinking he's gone off the deep end. Let's all take a moment to laugh at my dating pattern? Nah, it's cool, and probably only funny to me. But enough deja vu talk - these cookies will be going to work tomorrow, which is ironic because nobody has been at work this week at all. Its that or I eat all of them alone and continue my winter fat-padding.

Haven't done much this week, as usual. Chicago got dumped on - not with dog shit, but with 7 inches of snow. As a result, my dog refuses to shit. I learned last year she refuses to crap anywhere but on grass. No grass in sight due to freezing cold snow = no poopers. It is not pleasant in the early morning when it is so obvious she wants to do it but psychologically can't. It's like doggy stage fright. And that's a lot of poop talk. Update (not that you realize I just left): Audrey just chose to eat bits of snow. Conclusion = she does not like. Dumbo.

How about we play that "what did I write x years ago and how can I make fun of it" game. So this day in history:

12-06-2002:

I just presented my Drag Show today in class. It went off without a hitch, and we were amazing. Someone at the end said "Thank you, I actually learned something from your presentation." It was awesome. Now if only I could get this moustache glue off my face before work. I get to watch soaps today, I am so excited. Then this evening: FISH FRY! French Toast and Ted/Leo. SLEEP!

Whoa - it was five years ago that I was in my last semester of college, and that I was a Drag King in the middle of whatever the name was of the building where all the math classes were (and for some reason my Race, Gender, and Popular Culture class). I really have no reason to make fun of that performance because it was a highlight of college for me. However, I can totally make fun of the rest of the post. Watching soaps? Yeah for some reason I went through a soap opera watching phase back then. It was calming. I don't watch them now. I will admit that when I was working 4-midnight in SF, I still indulged. Next - Fish Fry - absolutely NOTHING funny about those. I miss those more than anything on earth. Finally, French Toast - can someone remind me who this band is/was? And why did I type Ted Leo as "Ted/Leo"? And why did that show excite me - I had, and continue to have, absolutely no interest in Ted Leo. Finally, SLEEP! - sleep ruled 5 years ago, and it still rules today.

But come on, I'm sure I can find a funnier post from December 6th of years past, so let's keep digging. Whoa, mama! Found a doozy from 2003:

Such exasperation. 1. Final tomorrow, then no more school until January 29th. that is great, but it makes studying even harder b/c I just want it done already.

I was in grad school then. Boring and lame, but the reason I have a job today. Whatever.

2. Sometimes I think about how its strange that I live with my boyfriend. If we hadn't decided to move here, we would not be living together. But, SF is super expensive so living together is the most economical option. But pretty much any dispute arises out of living together. Dishes, attitude upon walking in the door, music, noise levels, sleeping, heat, everything. I just want to be able to walk into my home and be the way I want to be, but now I have to think about someone else's feelings 24 hours a day.

Clearly the honeymoon phase was over? Interesting that 6 months into living together I was already having issues with the music. And yet stuck with it 3 more years...I like the selfish, self-centered bit at the end. I've definitely got that 'tude again now that I've lived alone for nearly two years.

And that process in our relationship was kind of jumped up a couple years, definitely before either of us was ready for it. Well I'm not at least. He's already lived with one girlfriend (although never without other roommates). It reminds me of the sex and the city episode where Carrie and Aiden first move in together and its like shit everywhere, no boundaries, no easy way to bring it up. Carrie just wants an hour to herself when she gets home without any words at all, as if he wasn't there. She gets it, and within five minutes is hanging out with him anyway.

Whoa whoa whoa, I totally did that embarrassing 'compare my life to a hackneyed tv show' bit. I'm hanging my head in blogger shame.

For me, it's like this constant struggle. I want to spend every second with Jake and get annoyed when I can't, yet don't want that at all.

If you replaced the name with Nate, you wouldn't know that this bit was written 4 years ago. Totally disturbing that I haven't figured this stuff out yet.

I want to be able to pig out and watch Dr Phil or reality tv without being made fun of or feeling ashamed. Yet when I am doing that I always go in the other room to see what he is doing.

Ok, secret's out I guess. 2002-2003 was a big time in my life for daytime tv. Shut up, again it's calming.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed. I don't really know how to find a good balance of me time, jake and me time, and fitting in work and school. And have that balance be satisfactory-thats the big part. Any suggestions on how people who live together found that balance please inform me.

Still haven't found that balance in my life. I'm either desperate to be alone, totally absorbed in library-land, or totally devoted to the boyfriend.

Somehow this post got real depressing real fast, instead of super funny and irreverent. Bummer.

It should be noted that I really have no issues with Jake. He is a superb person, just not someone I can date or live with, not 'the dude' for me. And that is OK.

you ruined my holiday!

Another day of intense learning and lectures just went by. This morning we had to do mock instruction sessions, and everyone in my peer-review group said that I was a wonderful storyteller! And they meant it too! The real instructor said I have a real knack for telling a story and that the 'class' was very engaged the entire time. If I can tell a story about different types of grocery stores and relate it to databases and have people like it, then I must be doing something right. This was a very self-affirming moment for me. It was also amazing to see others teach, as my job does absolutely no evaluation or observation. God, what has this stupid conference done to me? I care about teaching!?

I got really cranky in the middle of the day. Much of this experience is an exercise in patience when dealing with other personality types. I also had to take these various learning style and personality tests and all the answers pointed to me=robot. I care little for the emotional connection and don't want any fluffy shit. I demand logic in my learning and want to be taught at instead of forced to work in peer groups. I was able to do a pretty sweet robot impression. New nickname, Robo-trick?

I forgot to bring my allergy meds so I've had a constant sinus headache. I'm in the middle of nowhere, so no access to a store to pick some up. Oh well.

Wow, libraries and allergies, I'm such a fucking nerd. So let's get all mushy introspective to make it worse, shall we?

I think a lot about how I am passionate about my career, but that it never seems to surface at work or outwardly to anybody else. In fact, I am passionate about a few things (feminism, film, libraries, social justice...) but I still give off this impression of coldness. I've heard a few times, and more recently by people I thought knew me better, quips like "you are the last person who would have kids!" or "man if that can make you sappy it must be totally corny *insert lolz here*" It hurts me to know that my friends think I'm some unloving cold-hearted person. Worse, I'm worried I give off that impression at the beginning of a relationship and it results in a misleading idea of who I am and what I want.

So to take these learning style tests and see that all results scream Robo-woman, it's rough. Intellectually I'm very much a realist. I need logic and most everything is black and white for me. My brother would say that means I'm cognitively underdeveloped and therefore not intelligent. But I know that I'm 'bright' when it comes to intelligence. Uhh..what was I saying...Oh yes, in reality I'm not a robot! If I am, I'm like some freaky emotional Cylon or something? I don't know, I guess what I'm getting at is that I need to figure out how to convey that I truly do give a shit without coming off overly mushy.

Mind you, this is all in inter-personal interactions - face to face - not via this sap-blog I have running here.

This post brought to you by my isolation in a dorm room for hours.