Thank god I'm a librarian

Found the match! After killing ten or more today...It appears I have some sort of soldier beetle. Although it looks most like the one in the photo on that page, I'm reading more and more about just common soldier beetles and the times they come out (mostly early summer). Looks like there's really nothing I can do but keep on killing them until they all die. Regardless, its pretty gross.

Soldier beetles resemble lightning bugs but do not have light-producing organs. [...] Since soldier beetles are beneficial and harmless it is unnecessary to control them. Larvae that enter a house in the fall are only a nuisance. Entry can be prevented by weather-stripping, caulking and other measures that seal likely points of entry. Spraying of either the exterior perimeter or the interior has little if any benefit. Soldier beetles already inside the house need only be swept or picked up and discarded. source

Ugh, great. So as long as I live in this apartment I'll be dealing with these douchebags.

Oooh there goes one up my curtains now....

Edit: Chicago specific information about the beetle that makes perfect sense.