Soon to read

I cannot wait for What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami to come out on July 29th! Think about it: Murakami, one of my faves, talking about his obsession with running and how he came to be a writer, two of my interests? Perfecto!





Also, my brother walked my dog when I was at work yesterday. He claimed he didn't know if he could throw her dog shit bag into a garbage can outside so he...BROUGHT IT BACK INSIDE TO MY HOUSE AND PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN GARBAGE WHERE IT REMAINED UNTIED AND OPEN FOR SIX HOURS. I was not a happy hostess last night.

words to live by

I'm reading Sisterhood, Interrupted: From Radical Women to Grrls Gone Wild by Deborah Siegel. Its pretty feminism 101ish but still an enjoyable read. Siegel includes a Gloria Steinem quote that I keep coming back to. From Sisterhood, "As Steinem explained, whether at speak-outs, consciousness-raising groups, or public hearings, the goal was "Tell your personal truth, listen to other women's stories, see what themes are shared, and discover that the personal is political - you are not alone." (I inevitably sing Michael Jackson next)

I think speak-outs and public hearings have gone the way of the 8-track or betamax, and have been converted/upgraded to newer more accessible outlets - blogs. I think zines were in between the public hearings and blogs. Of course zines still exist and are fun and amazing and feminist and subversive and all that (Hi Alycia!) but the ease of push-button publishing, zero costs (you can blog for free from the public library) and the ubiquitousness of the internet make blogs the avenue of choice to conduct the modern-day speak-outs/public hearings. Plus the ability to comment and create discussion with other feminists (or just randoms!) immensely increases consciousness raising and public forums in an improved manner - now we get to consciousness raise with people that aren't just in our neighborhood or social circle. We get to speak to women around the world about their daily lives, their personal is political themes.

Something I've been pondering lately is if criticizing blogging (female specifically) is a form of backlash. It most definitely is when you take examples of men threatening violence and spewing sexual harassment and female-hate towards prominent female (and feminist) bloggers for simply writing their beliefs. But is it backlash to hate on a woman blogger who isn't writing solely as a 'feminist', who is writing as just your average woman? Is it backlash for men to say "she shouldn't write that"? Is that a way of silencing the personal, of trivializing a person's life and thoughts? Or is it just a product of a society that continues to adhere to traditional puritanistic views of what should be out in the open?

Are male personal bloggers criticized? Certainly. But I think they get criticized in a different way. Of course I have no statistics but it seems as if there are more females using their blog as more of a reflective diary than men...? So for men to write a post detailing some great personal pain or struggle would come off as weak and unmasculine. Perhaps one reason there is (anecdotally) fewer male reflective bloggers is because they aren't raised in a society that is accepting of men expressing themselves. So men are also being screwed over by societal norms.

I think it's sad that there aren't traditional consciousness raising groups. We have stitch'n'bitches but I'd like to see more women coming together and just talking about their daily concerns, victories, struggles and questions. We do that at a bar or at a friend's party, but how often are we getting a group of women that aren't already friends together to do what Steinem discussed? And why aren't we?

I have learned over the years that I have a need to get things off my chest. For years I thought I was much more closed off and didn't need to relate on a personal level with others but I've grown out of that. Now, for whatever reason, I want to express myself and I desire a venue with which to do that. I'm not a musician or an actress, and I enjoy writing, so here it is. Is it vanity? The need for attention? The desire to connect with others for support? Boredom? The mere documenting of my life for remembrance in the future? The need to explain myself because I'm not good at it face to face? An outlet for angsts and achievements? Does it really matter why the hell I do it? If you follow the advice of our feminist foremothers, the "why" doesn't matter one f'in bit (sidenote: foremothers isn't a recognized word but forefathers is. harumph).

I believe, and have believed in it since I first learned the phrase 10 years ago, that the personal is political. Its disheartening to not hear so much about CR groups, about personal is political, as if the need for women to learn from each other and acknowledge how the state interferes and manipulates their personhood has disappeared. In a time where any day now we'll be returning to wire hanger back room abortions, where we have corporate right-wing pharmacies disguising themselves as 'normal' pharmacies but in fact they don't dispense any birth control or educate about basic women's health concerns (yet dispense Viagra, right...), where we watch female political figures repeatedly bound and gagged for being noisy loud-mouthed shrews or "angry black women" (Michelle Obama), where we can't walk two steps without seeing a skinny big-titted white woman selling us body dysmorphia and self hate, where we continue to see nothing wrong with genderizing our children from birth, where women are murdered for refusing to acknowledge a cat-call, where rape culture still exists and is accepted and perpetuated...in these times you cannot convince me that the personal isn't political.

So why have a blog where I dump my feelings, actions, heartbreak, anger, joy, mundane life details, politics, frustrations, observations, beliefs, triumphs and anguish? Because I believe with my entire being that we all (men, women, trans) should "Tell your personal truth, listen to other women's stories, see what themes are shared, and discover that the personal is political - you are not alone."

This must be the place

I remember when I moved from the dank pit apartment on Guerrero to the awesome apartment on Potomac in San Francisco. It was as if I went to some hot springs fancy-pants spa. I felt instantly better and rejuvenated. That same feeling is going on with my current place. The days of nasty-land are behind me, and my spacious, high-ceilined, wood-floored, cozy, perfect apartment is all I can see. Even my new landlords are good! When I moved in there was only ONE lock - on the outer door (that is mine and mine alone!) and you could easily break this window in the door and unlock it. So I asked them to get me another lock on the main apartment door, and voila! I return home to a lock. They are also getting a plumber out here to up the heat on my shower. Responsive landlords? Been awhile since I've seen you.

Audrey has adjusted well to the new place, and barks far less now that she can't hear and see everything on the street. She seems happy. I don't have the dog walker back yet, but that's ok I could use a bit of a break paying him. Speaking of dogs, there's a huge dog show here this weekend and I really want to go. I've never been to one and I bet it'll be awesome in its dorky-dogness.

I'm going to write a bit about it on GCU later, but whoa mama The Terror Dream by the beloved Susan Faludi is incredible. It's basically just one anecdote, quote, and fact after another about the return to masculinity and the disavowal of feminism post 9-11, but the information is infuriating and astounding. It's a nice contrast to Feminine Mystique, but I'll have to save that for the other blog.

My internet (Comcast) still isn't functioning beyond 9:30 pm. Anybody else having this problem? I thought it would go away when I moved, but it didn't. It makes it really difficult for me to do shit, since most of my stupid blogging time comes later in the evening.

Weekend Update

This weekend we got dumped on with snow. I hate snow, so I hibernated. Friday night Nate and I watched It's a Wonderful Life, which believe it or not, I had never seen before. That movie is such a downer! I'm not sure why people watch it at Christmas time every year, it left me feeling really bleak. Saturday I wanted to go to the fabric store to get some supplies but the snow left me stuck inside. I finished reading Murakami's Dance, Dance, Dance and I really enjoyed it. This book was a bit more sexually graphic than his other works, and I'm not sure what to think of that. Guess I could do some literary criticism research, but I'm too lazy. Sunday we scooped a car share car out of its space, and went to JoAnn and Target. I got the string and point turner thingy, then at Target I got a replacement filter for the humidifier. That place was absolutely out of control with Christmas shoppers. I wish we would have been able to go earlier in the morning to avoid the crowds, but the weather left me with few options. The rest of the day I spent making my matching pillow for the one I made in class last week. A nice quiet boring weekend.

All the tv shows I watch are over due to the writer's strike, so I've been reading more. I have some books coming to me in a few days:

Susan Faludi's The Terror Dream: Fear and Fantasy in Post 9/11 America I can't WAIT to read this

Jean Thompson, ed, Throw Like a Girl: Stories I can't tell if this is drivel-chick lit or if it's good but I saw it on a few year-end best-of lists so I'm gonna give it a shot.

Alicia Gaspar de Alba's Desert Blood: The Juarez Murders. Will explain why I'm reading this in a few weeks.

Murakami's Hear the Wind Sing, I think this is the last Murakami that is translated into english that I have yet to read.

Finally, tomorrow I'm going to see Juno with Nate, which I'm super excited about. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

Lifetime Movie: When Bloggers Stray

I've neglected my blog. I'd like to say it is because I'm so busy and doing so many exciting things, but really I've been busy avoiding the blog by watching my new tv station - Lifetime Movie Network. Can you believe there is an entire station dedicated to that shit? Well, there is and I got totally wrapped up in What Every Mother Fears Most last night. The movie was so awesome - it was about a 16 year old who gets mad at her mom so she runs off with a man from the internet...in 1998, so there are some amazing "this is the world wide web" parts. "Chat rooms? There are several?" Is it any coincidence that my boss and I talked about To Catch a Predator for 20 minutes today? Thank you Lifetime Movie Network for awesomely bad films.

I've also been busy rocking my job harder than any library should probably be rocked. I left work today feeling victorious and proud. I guess if you are stuck somewhere 40 hours a week, you may as well do a good job. I've also been finally winning some of my Scrabulous games. The tide has turned for ole Causing Accidents, and I am now 9-24!

I am proud to announce that I finished a book in two evenings last week, so I guess that kept me busy. I finally read Krakauer's Into the Wild. I didn't learn until today that Sean Penn has a movie out based on the book, so that's weird timing. I loved the book. Loved it. I've been obsessed with solitude/isolation-by-choice stories for the past year or two, and this was perfect. It's also a super fast read with primary sources, which makes life more interesting. I couldn't put the book down. Now I have to decide if I should see the movie or if I'd hate how it compares to the book.

This morning I had to go to the psychiatrist. I've written about him before, but the dude is the worst example of mental health on earth. I've been on prozac for at least a few years, so when I moved here I called a doc in my insurance network and made an appointment. I told him "hi I take 40 mg of fluoxetine [generic prozac]" he said, "ok, we'll write up a prescription and I'll see you in four months for a check up." Every four months since then I've had the same experience - wait an hour until he can see me (he's never on time), tell him nothing has changed in my life, get my refill, leave medicated. Today, however, doc added a little bonus to my experience. He said, "It's winter now, and people with depression sometimes get even more depressed. Therefore, just call my office and they'll hook you up with Wellbutrin in addition to your prozac. Wellbutrin can increase anxiety, but they make a really great new formula now that shouldn't do that to you. Or would you just want that prescription right now?"

...uh...

I didn't mention anything about Seasonal Affective Disorder, unless saying "I hate cold weather" during the chit-chat crap counts? This guy is just throwin the meds around! He also never once has asked for my old medical records as proof that I was on prozac before moving here. I believe that pretty much anyone with Blue Cross can go to this dude's office, say they are on a certain medication, and get on it with no problem. Awesome or awful? You decide.

Now I'm watching a show about sex changes, and in an hour my best friends from HS will all sign online, and we will watch The Hills together like we do every Monday. It's one of the highlights of my week - to sit and watch stupid tv and catch up with people that mean the world to me.

I'll try to not let this blog go empty for 8 days again, but you never know what awesome Poppy Montgomery Lifetime movie will be on to preoccupy me.

mini-film and book update

I can't decide if I want to see the film version of Love in the Time of Cholera, or if it will just ruin my super love of the book. Suggestions?

I saw Lars and the Real Girl tonight with my friend Melissa and her friend Anne. I wasn't sure what to expect from the film, and I wasn't sure how I felt during it. In the end I gave it 4 out of 5 stars on netflix, but still processing the film. It has characteristics I seek out in movies: isolated protagonists, quirky crap, sad stories, funny bits...just not sure if it was awesome or not. What was very odd was that there is a scene in the film that incorporates my fave fave fave song, Talking Heads' This Must be the Place. In fact the scene is a replica of the video for the song, which only a super TH nerd would notice. Creeeepy! The movie inspired in me the need to write a bit, but of course I come home goof off and blog instead. Whoops.

I finished Tolstoy's Resurrection on the bus ride home. The ending was very frustrating for me. I need to read some analysis of the book before I say anything of substance, but I really didn't like that the last ten pages were an analysis of the Book of Mark from the Bible (is that how you write it?). Barf. The last few paragraphs were beautiful though, and I'll need to re-read them when I think about how life is all confusing and who knows where it's going and all that shmaltz.

Tolstoy's Resurrection

I'm 3/4ths of the way through my final Tolstoy published work, Resurrection. Not that anyone can sum up a Tolstoy work in a few sentences, but basically a rich dude sits on the jury of a woman he was once very close with but raped long long ago and by a total mistake she gets wrongly convicted. He goes through a crisis of character over this and how he has acted as a rich dude, and spends the rest of the book trying to fix his wrongs by working to get her out of jail and get other innocents out of jail. Not sure how it ends yet, but its a great look into criminal justice, societal justice, human nature, compassion, class, all the goodies Tolstoy writes about.

Anyway, a few bits stood out and because I'll probably never re-read it, I'm going to put the quotes here so I can remember them (bold emphasis is mine).

"The upholding of class interests! The law, in my opinion, is only an instrument for upholding the existing order of things to the advantage of our class."

"This is a perfectly new view," said Rogozhinsky with a quiet smile; "the law is generally supposed to have a totally different aim."

"Yes, so it has in theory, but not in practice, as I have found out. The law aims only at preserving the present state of things, and therefore it persecutes and executes those who stand above the ordinary level and wish to raise it-the so-called political offenders-as well as those who are below the average, the so-called criminal types."

_______________

It all lies in the fact that men think there are circumstances when one may deal with human beings without love. But there are no such circumstances. We may deal with things without love - we cut down trees, make bricks, hammer iron without love - but we cannot deal with men without it, just as one cannot deal with bees without being careful. If one deals carelessly with bees one will injure them and will one's self be injured. And so with men. It cannot be otherwise, because mutual love is the fundamental law of human life. It is true that a man cannot force another to love him as he can force him to work for him, but it does not follow that one may deal with men without love, especially if one demands or expects anything from them. If you feel no love, sit still," Nekhlyudov thought; "occupy yourself with things, with yourself, with anything you like, only not with men. Just as you can only eat without injuring yourself when you are hungry, so you can only usefully and without injury deal with men when you love. Only let yourself deal with a man without love, as I did yesterday with my brother-in-law, and there are no limits to the suffering you will bring on yourself, as all my life proves. Yes, yes, it is so," thought Nekhlyudov; "it is true; yes, it is true," he repeated, enjoying the freshness after the torturing heat, and conscious of having attained the fullest clearness on a question that had long occupied him.

I need to read some critical evaluations of Nekhlyudov's character, as I find myself vacillating between Nek. as self-centered to Nek. as reformed to Nek. as reformed but for self-centered reasons. It took me a long time to realize that, but once I saw the layers to his character, I began enjoying the book much more.

Fem v Fem

Alternet interviews the author of Sisterhood Interrupted.

An interview with the author of Sisterhood Interrupted provides historical context for contemporary feminist infighting: the overblown mommy wars, raunch feminists and their older, horrified detractors, and bloggers virtually ripping one another apart.

The interview was good, and interesting enough that I'll pick up the book after I finish The God Delusion. As expected the comments are mostly all drivel with a few gems in the mix. And again, consciousness raising is thrown about. Not that I think CR is bad, just interesting to me. CR via blogging and feminist blogs is fascinating, and something I haven't thought of much. Why can't CR be revived again? And why not through blogs? Makes me want to do a much better blogging job, as well as gets me thinking more about group blogs I should start but surely never will.

Reading Update

I'm almost done with Devil in the White City, and have given up on reading the parts about the fair. Instead I'm just finishing the serial killer parts. I'm not one to skip parts in books, but I just don't give a shit about the fair. And you only live once right? Why waste it on a book thats boring you.

I'm on page 80-ish of my pal Jacob's book, Choreboy and really like it. I need to set aside more time to read it though because I want to finish it up soon so I can give him my feedback.

I just grabbed The God Delusion. I've been waiting for this book for months, and finally it was my turn. I know there's a lot of criticism thrown at this book, obviously from religious people but also from Atheists, calling Dawkins a blow-hard, etc...but I'm excited to read it anyway. Even if it is just some rally-cry for Atheism.

On the first page:

I suspect - well I am sure - that there are lots of people out there who have been brought up in some religion or other, are unhappy in it, don't believe it, or are worried about the evils that are done in its name; people who feel vague yearnings to leave their parents' religion and wish they could, but just don't realize that leave is an option. If you are one of them, this book is for you. It is intended to raise consciousness - raise consciousness to the fact that to be an atheist is a realistic aspiration, and a brave and splendid one. You can be an atheist who is happy, balanced, moral, and intellectually fulfilled.

So yes, a bit fluffy, and yeeks he used the term "consciousness raising" quite a bit, but I think it'll be nice to read something that says what I've believed since as far back as I can remember. I know Christopher Hitchens just put out a similar book, so maybe I'll grab that one too. I'm not a fan of Hitchens' writing style though.

Good Sunday

Sunday is going well so far. Woke up around 9, watched Nate play Grand Theft Auto and then duked it out in 007 (yes, there is a ps2 in my house now). Then I took Audrey on a marathon walk to wear her out. She was really happy to be in warm weather again. I returned home motivated to do some cleaning, and now my apartment is lookin' good. Since then I've been watching the Cubs on tv and reading the play-by-play for the Sox online. I'll probably finish When the Levees Broke tonight.

I finished Wild Sheep Chase this past week and started Devil in the White City. Sometimes being wiped out with a flu/cold really helps you get through books. After DitWC and Tolstoy's The Resurrection I don't know whats next on my book list. I'll be asking for rec's soon I imagine.

We watched Children of Men last night, and thought it was awesome. The movie was really well done and interesting. It's been awhile since a film has kept my attention from start to finish with no lulls. Friday night was a dud. I felt like crap, didn't work that day, but decided to go to a bbq at a friend's house anyway. I was so tired and out of it, that conversation eluded me. I ate a polish sausage and went back to bed. At least I got to see people for a minute. I was sad I missed out on game night though.

Not too much on deck for this week. I'm broke, so won't be going out. Probably just read and play with the new ps2 that I'm house-sitting. My contribution to the ps2 purchase is buying We Love Katamari. Fair, huh.

Back to the Grind

Today was opening day at Cellular Field. I didn't have tickets to the game, but I took a two hour lunch break to go tailgate. I work across the street, so it is really easy to wander over and meet up with the usual jokers. I hadn't seen most of these people since October, and it was fun to catch up. Plus Miller, Torri, and Ollie came so I got to talk to them too. It was hard to go back to work after that. I'll be going to the game Thursday, and I can't wait to get in there and see the new green seats. I feel like my enjoyment of baseball last summer will/already has become a full on obsession this summer.

I went to the grocery store tonight. Big party huh? I wanted to make pesto, but the stupid place was out of basil. I'm not sure it's in season yet, so I bought spinach instead. And guess what? It worked AND spinach is healthier! It felt really good to cook, then put the dishes in the dishwasher. I was also able to spread out my foodstuffs thanks to Nate helping me move my kitchen table into a more island-style space. Now I have extreme garlic breath and I love it.

Finally, my newest time waster is GoodReads. You on it? Add me because I'd love to see book recommendations. This past weekend I bought the scrabble dictionary (4th edition) and the only Tolstoy book I haven't read, The Resurrection. I'm also working on Devil in the White City and Wild Sheep Chase by Murakami. It feels good to read again, after that two month slog through The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay.

And did I mention I'm so dorkishly happy my blog is back? Because I am.