annoying start to the week

It is so so so cold out and so depressing to be out there. Barf. Yesterday I walked Audrey to new Edward's house to exchange movies. He loaned me Modern Romance, and I loaned him Hannah Takes the Stairs. Audrey got to meet two cats. She growled so the meeting was cut short. Guess she can't take a lil kitty running around here, not that one is coming in the near future anyway.

Today I barfed. That's right. Vomitola. I did it Monday morning too - but more of a dry heave experience. Today was full on out comes the cereal puke. I finally pieced together what I was doing differently that would make me so ill in the morning - it's my stupid multivitamin. I read online that women's one a day can cause vomiting because it has too much iron in it. It says it has 100 percent of a daily value but that must be too much for me. My boss said it made his fiance barf too. So I have a giant bottle of vitamins I'll never use. Let me know if you want them, maybe they won't make you puke.

I don't really mind puking, however today it posed a real problem. I had taken my lovely wellbutrin only 10 minutes before so I definitely puked it out before it could absorb. I wasn't sure if I should try taking more and risk getting super sick, or just roll with it. I rolled with it, and did not take any more. Big mistake, I feel really agitated and cloudy today. Physically, mentally, emotionally, just yuck. I miss you 'bute, come back!

Weekend Update

Friday I didn't do too much - watched that film down below and went to bed. Saturday was my first meeting with the marathoners, which you can read about here, and trust me its big news! I came home, napped, got a call from new Edward who wanted to hang out. We've never hung out alone before so I was a bit nervous at first. Instead, it was totally awesome. We went to Tuman's, talked about our favorite books, then about our favorite movies, agreed to do some movie exchanges, talked about our love for the Talking Heads, and I also learned that he is also totally obsessed with R Kelly!!! I told him I went to his concert and he was like "omg the double up tour!! REAL TALK!" Amazing. We ended the night with a few hours of katamari with Jacob and Wendy, drinking Relax brand wine. Frankie told us to.

Today was home improvement day. I went to Home Depot to buy a ton of shit, and to Joann. Nate came over and helped me set it all up while watching baseball.

Accomplished:

1. Frosted glass window film on the windows, and so far I'm really happy I did it. I can keep the blinds open and see the trees but not have Audrey constantly flipping out at anything on the street.

2. "Art" in the kitchen - bought these printed paper sheets at Joann, stripes, dots, whatever patterns, put them in various frame sizes and hung them in the kitchen. It actually really helps that drab room.

3. New shower head. My old one had good water pressure but I didn't like the way the water was distributed if that makes sense. So now I have a new one that does a better job.

Not accomplished:

1. Undercabinet lighting did not get installed. We started working on it, but felt like it was maybe too complicated. I'm going to force Paul to do it when he visits me in two weeks (sorry Paul).

2. Hooks for my hair dryer and flat iron in the bathroom. I guess I don't have the right drill bits or something to do it. Nate has to bring his back to finish that.

Hannah takes the stairs

I watched Hannah Takes the Stairs tonight. From netflix: "After graduating from college, Hannah (Greta Gerwig) gets rid of her uninspired musician boyfriend (Mark Duplass), goes to work as an intern at a Chicago production company and develops new crushes on co-workers Matt and Paul. Director Joe Swanberg guides an inspired cast (which includes several aspiring filmmakers) that uses handheld video, improvised plot lines and episodic story structures to express a new idiom for life as a 20-something."

I'm looking over the critics reviews as well as the reviews of average netflix users, and I'm sort of surprised at how many users hated it but reviewers liked it. The reviewers and users who didn't like it cited self-absorbed nothingness and characters' inability to be introspective...but isn't that the entire point of this movie? Its about 20somethings who have lives pretty much like most people I know...fun, intelligent, have a semi-creative job, bumble around in some quirky art-ish world, are aware of their shortcomings but don't bother to do much about it, but in the end are sort of adorable and good-hearted despite any 'bad' things they do in life. I thought the film was pretty accurate. I found myself sometimes really hating the characters but simultaneously thinking "whoa I've said or done that before, but I hate what she's doing, but I've done it so what does that mean..." I think the viewer is supposed to have a love/hate relationship with the film, so I have to disagree with the netflix users who say that its trite and boring. Or maybe my life is just trite and boring...hmmm...

Also, a lot of the haters complained about the lack of script, but I think its fitting for the content of the film. The languid nothing-ever-happens-but-sitting-and-talking works for me. I guess I like boring films.

I think the funniest part of the movie is the name of the genre it fits under, mumblecore. lolz how trite and irritating is that title, yet so perfect. I learned about it last fall, but haven't seen too many mumblecore films because I was busy working my way through other stuff. Many of the films, like Hannah, are either loved or hated so it should be interesting.

Like that webbie song says...

All in all, not a bad day. Not a bad day at all. My plant returned to life after I moved it back to the shady kitchen and watered it. Its upright and very happy. New buds of the flower part are coming out. Good job me! I learned that peace lilies are poison to pets. Whoops. So it's going to have to stay on the kitchen table or higher forever. Oh well, Audrey rules my world and will forever.

Had a good therapy session. Afterwards I came home and went for a 35 minute run. It was humid and occasionally raining, but I still had a good time. Then I did laundry and settled in for awesome tv. Lost was so awesome tonight I almost couldn't handle it. I missed an awesome inning by the White Sox to watch Lost though, so thats sort of sad.

And last but certainly not least, I got a new job title, promotion, and raise today. Holla!!!

Audrey is a bit of an assface

My peace lily is already all droopy. I suck at plants. I watered it a bit, so maybe it'll be happy when I return home. Maybe Audrey got jealous of it and peed on it or something. Who knows. Speaking of Audrey, she's been positively evil lately. Last night she refused to go to bed. Refused. She's never done that before. Normally she loves it when I say "let's go to bed!" She runs to the bed and scuttles underneath the covers. Then she'll spend a good minute scratching out her space to sleep. Its one of the best parts of my day. Last night she was like "bitch you've been gone all day, don't think I'm gonna get in bed with you!" It was true, I was gone from 8 a.m. until 11 p.m.. However, I'm often gone that long during baseball season and she's fine. Last night she made me walk her again after I was already in bed. Then she ran up and down the length of the apartment for absolutely no reason. Finally she went to bed around 1-ish, but woke up at 5:30 rarin' to go again.

This morning, like I've done the past week, I refused to get out of bed while she pounces all over and licks my face to get me to move. Around 6 I decided that I'd had enough and put her in her cage. She clawed the cage for an hour straight without stopping. At 7 I gave up, and opened the cage but went right back into my bed. She sort of laid with me and every now and then licked me. Finally around 7:40 I got up and dealt with her. Worst dog ever.

I'm 0 for 2 on the Sox winning when I go to a game. Last night's game was brutal. It was also very cold, so I had to buy a sox blanket to keep me warm. I sort of wanted one anyway so I didn't feel so bad about it.

Today is therapy, then running to make up for me not being able to yesterday. Then the office and 30 rock and maybe a movie. I got Hannah Takes the Stairs Tuesday. I've been looking forward to seeing it for a long time.

this post brought to you by a bus commute

On my lovely bus ride home, I thought a lot about stuff. I do this on every bus ride when I'm not reading or sleeping. Today I thought about how unhealthy it is to hold onto the bitterness and anger surrounding "your lot in life" when you have no control over anything (or anybody) but your own outlook. Meaning, we all have shit that we can't change, people we can't change, life events we can't change, but we can change how we react to them, deal with them, and learn from them. I'm working on that, and on not letting negative energy about trivial shit consume me. It may be a form of denial to just refuse to listen to negative stuff, but its working for now. I don't see much wrong with just doing what I think is good for me and saying fuck it to everything else, again for now. Obviously I still maintain obligations (I pay bills, get wedding gifts for people), but you get the deal. I think.

On the bus ride to work I had a much more pleasant thought process. I thought about how a cute dude on a bus can be ruined because he folds the cover of his book over so he can read with one hand. Mutiny! Mutilation! It hurts me to see books all bent up like that. Plus it means I can't figure out what book the bro is reading.

It was really nice after work today. I walk past this garden store every day and every day I think "I'll go in and get a windowsill plant." I never do. Today I stepped in and the experience was intense. Apparently what I wanted was like asking for cancer to be cured tomorrow. I wanted a rectangular box to put on my windowsill, on the inside. I wanted plants that would grow in it to grow at least 12 inches high so Audrey couldn't peek over them to bark at the passers-by. It would help if they weren't all green - color would be nice. I also wanted something that was idiot proof, as I've never kept a plant alive. Well, no go. Turns out bigger plants need bigger pots. Whoops. I felt really stupid. So I spent 45 minutes trying out different arrangements with different pots until the third employee there said, "you know you can buy frosted glass window film and just plop it on the window." Oh. Duh. A much cheaper and easier solution. How did I not think of that sooner? So after 45 minutes, I left with just one peace lily in a cute square pot. It's on my kitchen table. We shall see how long it lives. This weekend I'll stop by the Home Depot and get the frosted film stuff.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my apartment? Because I still do. Windows were open today and it was great. Having my own private entrance rules too.

productive member of society

This is how I've spent my day - making pictures with MS Paint for my friends. I think my crowning achievement was the one I made for Soup (click on it to make it bigger):

Weekend Update

I had a really busy weekend. I was supposed to go out Friday, but I fell asleep early in the evening. By the time I woke up I decided it was better to just sit around inside and watch BSG (awesome episode by the way). I also watched My Kid Could Paint That, a documentary about a 4 year old painter that people go nuts over. It was great. The plot was really interesting, but the documentary style was done really well. Good story arc, good set up of plot, good intersection between the director's interference and the family's opinions. It was just really well done. I think my doc film class for helping me gain a better eye for what makes a documentary 'good'.

Saturday morning I had to run, then I had to race over to get my haircut and colored (looks awesome), then run home to snarf some food down before my new pals Jennifer and Edward (another Ed!) picked me up to go to roller derby. Roller derby was pretty fun. The place was packed, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. It took me a minute to get a grip on the circular motion, but I eventually got the hang of how its done. We drank budweisers and cheered for any team at any time. Jen and I also found out we know all the same people back in SF, which is super disturbing.

After derby, I had to race home, change, and race to the Beat Kitchen to see Dialogue play their last show. There were a lot of people there, which was good for the band. I did ok I think, only felt like people were looking at me like I had a goiter on my face for a little bit (which is a major improvement, thanks therapy!). Hopefully a few more times out and I'll be totally back to normal, but I don't know. It's hard to not have alcohol as a crutch for small talk.

Today I went out to the suburban retreat to obtain a tv/media stand/console thingy. I also brought Audrey to let her run wild in the backyard with three beagles. Audrey seemed to like Arthur, the beagle Natalie and Matt are fostering. Auds got the dogs all riled up, and she was even rolling around on her belly with them. She never plays like this - in a submissive position. I was proud of her! She seems a little less wound up now, but still sort of wild.

Andy helped me bring the furniture up the stairs at my place, and helped me lug the behemoth tv onto the top of it. Then I hooked everything up. It has little cut outs for all the cords, so it looks really clean compared to my old crap. The wood is a lighter shade than what I have in my place, but whatever, it was free and is a major upgrade from what I had. It makes me feel like the room is put together better, and I was able to use the old crap in my storage/office room to get junk off the ground. I also did laundry and dishes. Lots of stuff.

I still really need to work on my kitchen. Maybe that will be my project next Sunday - to install under cabinet lighting, get some crap on the wall, maybe find a cool fabric to make a table cloth to spruce it up a bit.

In cool news, I've lost half an inch on my hips and thighs, and 3/4ths an inch on the ole gut! Yeahhhh (said Rick Ross style). Running rules! I'm feeling better physically and emotionally from it, and I often get the itch to run now. I never dread having to do it.

Monday I really need to call comcast and cancel their asses now that my DSL is working well. Its supposed to be really warm, so my run should be fun. I would have liked a third day on this weekend because it was so busy, but I'll live. Being busy means less time to fester in my own brain.

I wanna tell you today

Tonight I'm relaxing a bit, then hanging with Christy (girl from film class and from last friday night). Tomorrow I have a haircut, and I got invited to a roller derby bout by two other new friends! So 3 cheers for 3 new friends. I think its a big accomplishment to, as an adult, make friends with new people that are not at all affiliated with your current circle, your job, or your school (if you are in it). It seems so random, like if she hadn't taught that class or if I decided not to take it, then none of this would be happening and I'd probably be moping at home. Instead I'm out doing new things with new people.

Saturday I have to do a 3 mile run in the morning. After the derby business I'll be going to my friend Rick's band, Dialogue's, last show.

Sunday I'm picking up a new tv/media stand thingy to replace the mish-mash that I currently have in my apartment.

Got drinks with a pal last night after therapy. I sorta felt bad, like I was just talking her ear off about my problems and how I fixed most of them. It was hokey. Whatever, I don't care.

Let's keep this up, Thursday

Only been a few hours, but so far today RULES. A girl and a dude I met last Friday invited me out for this Saturday! Makes me feel pretty dang sweet because they are pretty much way cooler than me (how does this always happen to me?)

And this morning, I was feelin' pretty skinny so I tried on jeans that haven't fit me since I moved here 2 years ago. I could zip and button them up! I couldn't do that a few months ago. It didn't look very good, so it'll be a few more weeks, but hey that rules! And my current jeans are all too baggy in the booty right now. Transition time!

you said it's always the same, but i'll make it change*

Ah another day. I kept thinking it was Thursday, which was disappointing. I had to get that vaccine this morning. The doctor said "this is going to hurt because you don't have enough fat on your arm. You need to eat something"!!! I said "thanks for the compliment" haha. What a weird thing for a doc to say.

Then I got a ton done at work. Working hard means you don't have as much time to feel sorry for yourself. And I enjoyed the work I had to do today, which always helps. Learned I get to pick up a new database, which will make me look super awesome to my faculty.

Today was a late day, where I work until 7. When I left the White Sox parking lot was full. I thought, oh shit its a Wednesday night game and I totally forgot, I am eating my 2 tickets. A frantic text to Miller and Ed and lots of confusion about what day it was ensued. Turns out I was wrong and some university was using the stadium. Phew. Next week the game is against the Yankees...I have a second ticket...you pay me in hot dogs...I'm a cheap and easy date.

On the way home I saw two bums fighting. It sort of ruled until my guilt consumed me.

I came home and did my running, loved it, watched Top Chef and Big Brother on the ole DVR, and here I am. I remembered that Audrey calms down when she wears her red sweater, so the past two nights I've put her in the Penalty Sweater to get her to stop beating up on me. Its worked. As soon as I take it off she starts attacking again. Someone make her stop!

Tomorrow is therapy and happy hour with the acquaintance-turned-friend. She works next door to my apartment, so that's sorta cool.

*Name that Echo and the Bunnymen song that I listened to ten times today and you win...my deepest admiration. No cheating.

random ramblings

The weather was almost nice today. It was warmer but the wind was pretty intense. Our network went down at work for two hours, so I goofed off for a long time, spent some of it outside talking to Paul on the phone. After work I cashed my $100 rebate check I finally got from Apple. I also talked to Kristin on the phone for a long time, as we both had a ton of events to catch up on. I talked to my aunt and uncle in California too. My uncle is headed to Florida in a few days for some crazy tests to see if he's allowed to do this crazy radiation treatment for his cancer this summer. Scary and stressful. These people are like second parents to me, after living there for so long.

I just turned on Law and Order SVU and holy shit this is disgusting. Its an attempted rape scene that is really brutal and awful. They shouldn't show that shit on tv, its triggering. And its still going on, long enough to have a commercial break in the middle of it. Its this man just beating the shit out of a woman. Great. Holy shit now they are showing him trying to force her to give him oral sex, this is fucking awful and makes me so disgusted I can't even describe it. Scene length: 10 minutes. Wow.

Tomorrow morning I will run, then I have to get my second hpv vaccine shot. The first one really hurt, so I'm not looking forward to it. I sort of feel like its a bit too late to be getting these shots, but they weren't available back in my wild days, and they are pretty much proven to eliminate your chance of cervical cancer. I get a little nervous that we don't know any long-term effects yet, but my doctor said that there was really no reason to not get the shots.

you can put it on the board, yesss

Had a good run tonight. I almost did a we are the champions arms in the air sort of move at the end I felt so good. It was a bit chilly but whatever. I came home, ate a burrito, and am now fighting with Audrey.

Audrey has been absolutely insane lately. She's attacking me even. Barking and pouncing on me over and over to get my attention. All day long. Its the worst and I don't know whats up. Is she asserting her dominance now that it's just the 2 of us? She's in her kennel right now on time-out because she's been so nuts. If anyone has any idea why she may be this awful, let me know. And trust me, I've been exercising her. And giving her her doggy calm down melatonin too. Ugh.

Thursday I am getting after work drinks with an acquaintance-turned-friend. It feels really nice and refreshing to be branching out, to know that I can do it, and that people are out there. Good times. As long as I keep busy I don't get too depressed. Still probably crying at least once a day though, like a loser.

Finally, the White Sox have been freakin' killing it lately. Love it.

Match Point

Sweet, I just got an email from one of the people I met on Friday asking to hang out again because she thought we had a lot in common (esp: feminism and archival stuff). She had to have asked my friend Christy for my address, so that's pretty cool. Proof I'm not as low down as I keep thinking I am! Almost removed my funkitude I've had since early Sunday morning, but not totally. Hopefully my run tonight will?

Got brunch with Nick yesterday. We ran errands together, and then I watched him install some expensive chip into his computer. Watched the White Sox annihilate the Tigers (again!). Brooded. Funny word.

Good Friday

I just had a new and unique and great evening. Mostly because it was new and unique. The evening started with me waiting 30 minutes for my new friend to show up, who was super late because of a dinner with her boyfriend's parents. This means I sat at the rainbo alone, which let me tell you, is no small feat when you are surrounded by pretty people in groups. And when you have a coveted booth and refuse to give it up.

We then walked to the green lantern to see some art exhibit. As soon as I walked in I could have sworn this was any ole weekend in San Francisco, where I went to Juan's work gallery and hung out. I had the worst deja vu. Someone made a Sideways joke, which resulted in some discussion of how merlot really isn't bad and there's no shame to drinking it.

Next, we had to go to her house/screening place, to help her old roommate who locked herself out. We met up with some other random people, drank earl gray and ate angel food cake. Talked film. Heard lots of Brakhage stuff.

Finally, we walked to Happy Village to play ping pong (or in my case watch) and chat. I met a girl who was born and raised in SF, so we talked about our SF love. I also talked to two people that do improv classes about 30 Rock. I couldn't believe I was able to hold my own with all these people. The evening ended with a free ride home from these nice new people. Yay!!

I definitely had my awkward moments, where I felt very much so the "new girl" and maybe told some sort of not funny jokes. But the improv guy told me I could totally do that too (but its too expensive). I could hold my own enough regarding film, but couldn't hold it regarding local chicago art galleries.

I really felt like I was in San Francisco - the experience of not knowing a single person around you and having to just rely on yourself to get through the evening. You really learn a lot about yourself with new people. I got a renewed self-confidence. I also realized that there are some seriously nice people in Chicago that I probably had written off before I even moved here. I hope I get invited out again soon, because I'd like to maintain these contacts I made. I sort of can't believe I fell into this - some of these people run pretty 'big deal' experimental film distros, do some pretty awesome work for ny MoMA, etc. And here I am, little uncreative me, having a good time and not sitting in the corner sad. Such a great great evening.

second stage

I just walked Audrey, and for a brief second I could have sworn I was in San Francisco. Damp, cool, breezy, late night dog walk. It was nice, wouldn't have minded staying out there longer if it were safer to do so. I was going to try to go out tonight, now I'm almost regretting it since it isn't so rainy anymore.

Therapy this week was about identity, when you lose it, how you get it, how you keep it. It was pretty interesting. More spreading eggs talk, but not in the same way as last week which was enlightening. As long as I don't have to look at my credit card bill, I'll keep going to her. She's pretty a-ok.

events

Last night was my first White Sox game. It was cold, but not awful, and it was really fun to be in that atmosphere again. Taking the green line home from games is nice too. Jacob and I just walked home from there, which wasn't bad either. I took the long, safer way and it was about 1.6 miles according to google pedometer.

Tonight I was supposed to get a drink with my new friend, Christy, who was the instructor for that documentary film class I took. We had to reschedule for tomorrow night because she has a 3 hour experimental film to go to. I sort of considered it, as I like the film-maker (Craig Baldwin), but eh...new office and 30 rock episodes compel me to stay home. Oh well, I'm still excited we are going to hang out tomorrow. I can't wait to talk about movies with someone who's super into them too.

I have therapy this afternoon. I'm feeling pretty good today, so maybe instead of crying the whole time I can actually figure some things out. I also am going to do an hour of yoga at home.

Sunday I'm getting brunch with my friend Brooke, someone I rarely see. Again, pumped for it.

on depression

I had a brief email exchange with my friend Graham the other day about the bluntness with which I’ve been describing my craptastic feelings lately. It got me thinking about why I do this. Aside from the obvious answers of ‘it’s a chronicle of my life I can look back on’ and ‘it keeps my friends from out of state updated’, there has to be a reason its made public right?

Around the same time as my talk with Graham I also read a description of a session at WAM (Women, Action & the Media conference) that my friend Alycia attended. Alycia said that one of the women bloggers there, Lisa from CultureKitchen “started blogging during post-partum depression, and she said that she blogged because she "wanted people to know who she was." She didn't want to hide behind her husband as a new mother, and she wanted to show her multiplicity and give value to all the separate parts that make her who she is.” (Sorry Alycia for not asking to borrow that from you first) So maybe when I write in a public space such as this, I just want to be a woman who is heard? I never thought of my blog-writing as a particularly feminist action, especially when I write about heartache of the dumped variety. However, it is sort of nice to think that I’m a part of women who make their voice heard, even if it’s in a tiny bubble such as this. All someone has to do is conduct a google search and they may find an entry from me that they strongly identify or react to. And that connection to the unknown is what makes the internet so awesome.

I think the real reason I write about my depression and how it is affecting me and those around me is because depression isn’t a physical disease that someone can notice. I am not wearing a cast or missing an arm. I have no way to explain to others that I’m suffering from something that is mostly out of my control. Like any disease, I can take measures to curb the symptoms by medication, therapy and attempting to exercise self-control. However, depression is sneaky for me. I never realize I am having a flare-up until it’s too late, and I’m left scrambling to pick up the pieces I broke when I was down in the dumps. I fully acknowledge that depression isn’t nearly as awful as many other physical and mental illnesses. Some people have very mild cases; other people die as a result of their depression (suicide). It operates on a scale. I happen to be someone who will have it for life, and while I acknowledge it could have much worse conditions, I’m stuck with this and I want my friends and family to understand how it affects me and them.

What makes me angry is the people who don’t believe that mental illnesses can be just as bad as physical illnesses. My dad is that way – he doesn’t think anybody ever needs therapy – that people just need to suck it up. That’s how life is, shitty, and you live it until you die. Seriously, he believes that. It seems to be more of a macho thing to not believe in psychotherapy. Poor dudes don’t know what they are missing. Anyway, people who have never had depression can’t truly understand what it feels like. It takes a physical toll too. I’ve been sleeping all day on the weekends, I’m sore, I get constantly nauseous because of the anxiety, my jaw is always clenched (and as a result I have this disgusting popping sound anytime I open my mouth to yawn). Your immune system can be weakened; it’s really not just ‘in my head’.

I feel like depression also gets treated with less tolerance than a physical illness. Nobody (hopefully) would tell someone with a broken leg “get over it jesus,” but I get that with my depression, as do other people with depression. And it really, truly hurts to be ripped on when you are already hurting. I believe that is because its misunderstood and because people think all it takes is a brain change on the part of the sick person. And for some people with one-time depression that may be it. But for me, who has had it my entire life and who has an entire family of it, this is not something I can ever eradicate. I’m deficient in serotonin. A chemical, not a feeling. And for the most part I can keep the problem at bay by simply taking an anti-depressant each morning and going on with my day. It really stings to not feel support because I have an illness nobody ‘sees’. It also doesn’t help that part of the illness is that I am so bummed I have no will or tolerance for leaving my apartment and making niceties. It leads to me not going out, then me not getting invited anymore, then me being upset that I've been forgotten about, then me not making an effort because I’m convinced I’m no fun to be around, and it keeps going. It sucks.

I never imagined that the Prozac I had been taking would just stop working. I thought I had found the right drug for me for life. I had been on it for years. I think that is the major reason why I blamed anything but myself when I first started having problems last fall. It was either “it’s too cold out, time to hibernate” or “this idiot at work sucks” or “so-and-so isn’t doing xyz”. I didn’t realize that I was getting my old depression symptoms back. And when I finally did realize what was happening, it was too late to repair the damage I had done to some things. Now the best I can do is try my hardest to repair, and hope that I get the same in return. In fact, the first time I even thought I could try a new drug was a few weeks ago when I met my new therapist, who offered that as the first thing to do.

My new medication, Wellbutrin, is incredible. I feel alert, happy, excited to be around people, cheery, motivated. Feelings I haven’t had in probably 6 months. I actually want to go out now. I want to do things to make myself better. It’s also kind of scary because it feels much more powerful than any other anti-depressant I’ve taken, so what if I get addicted to it? And is this the ‘old me’ back or is this ‘drugged me’? Does it matter who it is as long as I’m happy?

So where is this all going? Oh yes, to why I am being blunt about my depression and problems in a public format right now. I’d say for a few reasons. I want people to know that I’m truly having problems right now because I’m unable to verbally tell anyone out of a sense of shame and lack of confidence that anybody will give a shit. Nobody wants to hang out with a downer, so I try not to bring it up when I’m out. I also have received just enough personal emails as a result of these writings along the lines of “I so get it, thank you” that compel me to continue to work out my issues this way. I’ve made connections with some people I wasn’t as close to before as a result, and that is really nice. I’ll keep documenting it as long as it’s barreling through my life right now. Hopefully one day I’ll notice I haven’t even thought about it for a few weeks, and just live a happy ‘normal’ life.

There will always be haters and people like my dad who think it's bogus. I can't change their opinions, I can only change how I react to them. And maybe by writing all this, some current hater starts to change his or her mind about it and starts to think that maybe 'snapping out of it' isn't so easy after all.

white sox lookin' good

White Sox looking pretty dang good eh??? Won 5 in a row? A Crede grand slam? Swisher livening up the crew? Quentin? Yeah that's right. I got the fever. Wednesday is my first game of the season, against the Twins. It also happens to be the second year in a row where I went to the second game of the season. I hope its not as miserably cold as last year.

I ran after work - it was pretty decent. A little chilly.

the 'bute

I'm feeling good today. The five days of feeling like i was on coke/speed from "the 'bute" as I will call wellbutrin from now on are over. Today, despite waking up at 5 am, again thanks to the 'bute, I feel very alert and chipper. It makes me a bit worried that I can function so well off so many days of little sleep (I hardly sleep at all on this drug). Don't speed freaks stay awake for days at a time then get seriously sick as a result? I've heard this speed-like feeling dissipates after a few weeks, so I'll keep at it. If anything, its giving me good motivation to go running after work. What would be ideal is zero meds, but in the past 12 years of life I've learned thats not happening. I was off meds for one year here or one year there, and it was horrid. Again, my whole family has depression, so I was probably born wrong.

Because that will probably never happen, hopefully I can pick which drug I want to be on. It seems pretty clear that the prozac wasn't cutting it anymore, even pre-breakup. Maybe I can get off that and just stick with the 'bute.

Also, I look totally adorbs today (love my outfit, bothered to do my hair), and I have nobody fun to show it off to. Just boring co-workers.

Tonight is Hills chat night with my BFLs (besties for life) Kevin, Matt, Kristin, Paul etc. Always a fun time 'singing' Hillary Duff to each other via a google talk chat room!

Shhh!

I'm at work today, snooze. I did something crazy today, that I've wanted to do for a long time, and that will make me happier and feel better. Read about it here. That folks, is what we call making an effort to fix my funk.

medi(compli)cations

I don't know if my new drug is working right. Or rather, so far the side effects have been pretty brutal. My doctor told me it sometimes increases anxiety in people. I'm already prone to anxiety, and now I feel super jittery and like my lungs are going to burst out of my chest. My lungs also feel really warm? I can't explain it, but it isn't pleasant. It's made me nauseous too, which has affected how I'm eating (decreased it but I'm still hungry). I can't fall asleep either because of the heart-racing effect I'm having. And this is all on the lower dose. I'm supposed to move up to a higher dose on wednesday, but if this continues I don't think I can do it. My body is generally very slow to accept new drugs into it, so I'm hoping this is just part of getting it in my blood stream.

If you look at the info about it - it's used for smoking cessation, so maybe its injecting some sort of nicotine-like substance into me and that's why I feel all goofy?

I'm gonna put on the golden girls and see if they help me calm down a bit. I have to work at 11 tomorrow darnit.

Update! I found this other site that says the side effects of the exact style I'm taking (the XL) and they included Abdominal pain, agitation, anxiety, constipation, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, heart palpitations, increased urination, insomnia, muscle soreness, nausea, rash, ringing in the ears, sore throat, sweating. I have: agitation, anxiety, dizziness, insomnia, muscle soreness (but that could be from sleeping? or not having a massage in over a month?), nausea, and i also noticed that my tinnitus is worse but I thought that was because of my new earphones. I have got to stop playing internet doctor because I'm only upsetting myself.

saturday

6:45: woke up, read emails, cried, walked dog, picked up dog poop

7:00: sat back down, stewed, went to bed and read a bit

7:30: cried, tried some silly meditation thing i just read about eventually fell asleep

10:35: woke back up, scratched doggy on neck, cried, made a pot of coffee, turned on Oxygen because at 11 there's a documentary on sex workers that I'm sure will be dumbed down

11:00: uh oh, Lisa Ling starts the beginning of this show, this can't be good

11:01: Audrey farts as I take my first sip of coffee. great timing

11:22: Crying again, writing Chazz back, not being too interested in this show. Resolve to call AT&T at noon about why my supposedly easy-dsl set up isn't working. Ironic that now Comcast is being ok.

12:40: Whoops haven't called AT&T yet, got distracted on the internet.

1:25: Still haven't called, Audrey is on my lap and I don't want to disturb her. Have coffee jitters but can't get any water or food due to the lap-dog situation. Watching HGTV in the background, finding internet serendipity

1:40: opened my windows! heating up burrito fixins

2:05: took Audrey for a walk along this route. Kids asked to pet her and she tried to bite them, which scared them shitless and led to them asking "whats wrong with your dog!?" I said "question of the century kiddos"

3:00: returned home, watching White Sox game, laughing at Nick Swisher's announcing the batting order. Nice Apollo Creed joke.

3:11: Spent 27 minutes on the phone with AT&T who, naturally, determined they need to come out her to see why my DSL won't connect. Let's hope Comcast stays working. AT&T has been light years above and beyond helpful to me and super polite. Points for them. I didn't even have to ask and they are crediting my bill for these days I haven't had it. Good job guys.

4:00: bestie from Minneapolis Paul called! I believe it is impossible to be sad when you talk to him. He's the best bestie one could ever ask for. Got me all excited for his visit in May, and mad that airline prices keep going up and up leaving me with no options to visit him and Kevin.

4:22: confused by the bad facial hair of the White Sox this season, but if it gives them team pride, then more power to 'em. Starting to love Nick Swisher.

5:00: Kevin called! Gave him the dirt, talked again about plane prices.

5:35: White Sox win! I also realized I made it to a pretty important personal 24 hour milestone, which makes me feel proud and empowered for the first time in over a month. woot! This therapist may be onto something...

6:22: whoops, guess I couldn't make it to hour 25. regression! my chest and lungs feel really hot and like I can't breathe, is that an anxiety attack? You know how people in AA or NA have sponsors? They should have sponsors for people who are heartbroken.

7:00: Took a shower to calm down from the freak out. Texted some people to see if anybody is going anywhere near here (see, me trying!), since I can't afford a cab ride home. Pathetic!

7:22: Reheating last night's pizza.

8:30: oh my god I got sucked into "Must Love Dogs". I think this may be the dumbest movie I've seen in the past few years, but dumb is refreshing sometimes. Decided I don't want to go out because I'd probably end up drinking which would use money I don't have and inevitably have a bad reaction with my meds. Thinking of ways to see friends without bars: dinner, coffee, dog walks, movies, lots of summery outdoorsy stuff soon. Good stuff.

10:28: about to finish Wanda, and it does not meet my expectations. Disappointing. Someone's description on IMDB: In grim, rust-belt Pennsylvania, Wanda is down and out. She works sporadically, has abandoned her husband and children, sleeps on her sister's couch, drinks and smokes too much, and goes home with men just to have a roof over her head. One night she walks into a bar after closing and finds a nervous Mr. Dennis pacing. She takes up with him, and he proves to be a criminal. They go on the road, visit his father, and he plans a robbery. He's rude and demanding; Wanda accepts his abuse docilely. What future does she have? See? Sounds pretty interesting right? It wasn't.

10:40: Walk Audrey one last time after watching an attempted rape scene in Wanda. I generally have a boycott on films that depict rape, but I wasn't warned on this one! This movie was beyond depressing, whereas I thought it was going to be an empowerment film due to its female director. Let-down. Ate a peanut butter cup Nick left me.

10:45: Audrey is drinking an insane amount of water, so she'll probably wake me up at 3 am to pee again. She hasn't done that yet in this house.

11:00: End (kenny) loggin(s).

Its nice to look at this and see the waves I go through in a day. Sometimes doing pretty dang well, other times not so hot. Awhile ago it was not so hot all the time, so I'm happy that I was mostly fine today after this rough morning. My therapist says (god I hate being one of those people) to 'spread my eggs'. No, she did not tell me to donate my womanly essence. She meant to get my proverbial eggs out of just one basket and spread them around to a few baskets. Or to realize that some baskets have been empty for awhile and it made me sad without realizing it. Way to go therapist. Why have a guru when you can have a licensed clinical social worker?

puffy puffins

puppies kitties cupcakes and chocolate

I slept all day, woke up, brushed my teeth, probably peed, ate cookies, watched BSG with Soup, got pizza, went back to bed, just woke up, going back to bed.

Cue dream sequence in 3...2....1...

Oh hi! Did I mention I just found out that one of my few friends from San Francisco has Hodgkins Lymphoma and is in two months of chemo followed by one month of radiation? Sure it's one of the 'best cancers' (as if there is a good one) to get because its mostly curable, but that doesn't mean 3+ months of her life are going to be in pain and sickness and hair loss and oh-my-god-i-could-die-scary=land.

Now I'm just waiting for my dog to get run over to put icing on this weeks shit-cake.

However, I did call in sick today and my therapy appointment was rescheduled for noon today. Maybe she'll remember me this time.

reaching the 30 day mark

Things guaranteed to not make you feel better:

1. Listening to nothing but Black Heart Procession's first, second and third albums, paying acute attention to lyrics.

2. Giving into your psycho tendencies.

3. Chocolate chip cookies in mass quantities.

4. Turning down a party full of new and interesting film people to watch BSG, which I could record anyway, because I'm too scared to go alone.

5. Watching movies with any romance at all.

I've done all of these today, yesterday, the day before...but there's just no way I can start listening to Out Hud or Chromeo or Cut Copy right about now. It'd be cheating.

Because I don't have the guts to say it to anybody in person, I'd really appreciate a helping hand from a friendly friend.

is there a kick me sign on my back?

because seriously, what the fuck. My therapist FORGOT we had an appointment today. I'm that worthless and inconsequential that the one person who's supposed to help me didn't bother to put me in her planner. How's that for making someone feel like even more shit. I mean, this is just one giant nightmare. I'm going to wake up soon right?

no title necessary for this gem

96 bottles of beer on the wall

I got my white sox tickets today. I have a pair to every Wednesday evening game, so claim the ones you want to attend with me! I'm a good baseball game watcher - good balance of watching, eating, goofing, shouting, heckling, chillin. Plus the park is right across from work so if you were really into my sweet job you could look at it. Uhh...ok that's not a reason to go to a baseball game. More of a reason is I won't charge you for the ticket - I charge only in kosher hot dogs (1 per game).

I also started taking my new med today, wellbutrin. Supposedly it'll give me a little bump. Like cocaine. I'll feel a bit more motivated and alert, if not jittery. I don't know if it was all in my head or what but I felt a bit more alert and motivated today. Was mostly capable of maintaining conversation I think. It says to not drink when on it. I know that my prozac has sometimes had goofy interactions with alcohol, so now that I'm on two brain-altering drugs I think I'm gonna go sober for quite some time. I'm afraid to see what will happen otherwise, and I really need to get better. Have therapy tomorrow, which I'm sure will be one of those I pay you lots of money to sit here and snivel and cry for an hour. The best part is instead of going home afterwards I have to go BACK to work to cover a desk shift for someone on vacation. Where's my vacation?

The gang war got painted over today. I sort of miss it?

Audrey has been acting like she comes from a broken home with only a mama. Oh wait, she does. Twice over.

Tomorrow I get to install my new DSL and have the sweet satisfaction of calling comcast and cancelling their worthless asses.

I have all these home improvement things I want to do, and no money. I have some ideas for cheapy wall art I can make, need a shelving unit for my 'office', want an HDTV (not a need), want to install under cabinet lighting in the kitchen, want a comfy arm chair in the living room...I really hate not having money. I can do these things in May when I'm not dropping cash on baseball tickets, and also when its my birthday and that tax rebate thinger month.

Watched Bin-jip aka 3 Iron last night. Ed was right - maybe this week wasn't the week for me to watch it. A painfully quirky romance that faces lots of set-backs. Made me want to run away with a silent hot Korean dude, and never talk, just have some romantic intense bond. It was great. RIYL: off-kilter romances, isolation themes, minimal dialogue, attractive people, petty crimes. Warnings: domestic abuse scenes and prison violence

Hour 63

Well let's see here...still feel like shit, crying at work like some loser Bridget Jones type. Tried to run last night but got a cramp in my side so it ended up as some dorky power walk just to keep at it. Decided that Cursive's Domestica is the best angry break up album (still) but that Black Heart Procession's '2' is the getting your heart broken, chewed, digested, and vomited back in your face album. Neither are particularly easy to run/walk to though.

Got a free coffee yesterday at Intelligentsia because their system was down. Seems odd - don't they know how much 1 medium coffee + tax is, and can't they write that down and take my money? Whatever I didn't complain.

Did some good stuff at work, boss gave me good compliments. Even in abject shittiness I can still rock my job.

Watched Jessica Yu's Protagonist last night to keep my mind from going completely insane. Yu redeemed herself with this one, after I really disliked In the Realms of the Unreal. Protagonist weaves four mens' stories via a Greek tragedy arc. The gist: people will put their all into something new to force a change/run from their true selves/feelings. This new thing will inevitably be wrong for them because they have not yet addressed what is going on with them in the first place. They will then try and disentangle from the new thing, only to find its horribly difficult to do so, lose friends, go to jail, face isolation...but in the end it's ok because they are being honest with who they are. It held a lot of meaning for me right now, although I'm not sure which way to go with it. Does it mean I stick to my gut feeling right now despite how miserable its making me or go with the logical tactic and run for the hills? Guess I shouldn't base my life decisions off of a documentary. If only life were that easy.