it's a crime, i never told you about the diamonds in your eyes

Man, a bunch of years ago my buddies were telling me, "you have to listen to Black Heart Procession" and I did. Never got super into it, despite numerous attempts. And maybe now I know why - you have to be really fucking depressed to love it. I saw them over a year ago at the Touch and Go 25th party, in the freezing rain and it was awesome. Then I sort of forgot how much I loved it, and now that I keep forgetting to use all my e-music downloads each month I just blew all 30 on these buddies. Fits perfectly with that whole feeling of wow I have nobody in Chicago gee thanks a lot depression.

I saw my psychiatrist this morning. I hate that guy. Such a douche, but whatever, it's too hard to find a new dude and switch all my shit. He's now putting me on TWO medications because you know, I'm an invalid and one anti-depressant won't cut it apparently.

Seriously, this is not where I am 'supposed' to be at near 27. It was two years ago this week I broke up with Jake and started planning my move here. If I had known I was going to be even more miserable here than I was there I wouldn't have bothered going into massive debt and moving to a fucking cold ugly unforgiving city. A change of scenery never works, and I should have known that.

Begin 'net withdrawl in 90 minutes

I finally did it, ended a shittyass relationship with a shittyass company - Comcast. I found out that Chicago can get DSL without having a land-line, and that its nearly half the price of my cable modem. I was hesitant - I didn't want DSL because its not as fast. But I realized that I rarely ever use my home computer for any power-downloading. I just look at websites and use IM, so whatever, DSL will do. The only problem is that it won't be activated until Thursday, so I have no internet at home this weekend or early next week. Comcast hasn't been working at my house for a few days either. Jerks!

I was supposed to work this weekend but at the last minute someone asked me to switch with them. My weekend is now suddenly very open. I'm also very broke. I owe a friend 350 dollars for my share of season baseball tickets, ouch! Guess I'll stay in this weekend to save up.

We watched Darjeeling Limited Wednesday night and gave it an 'eh'. Went to my therapist for the second time yesterday, where I paid to talk to myself for an hour and have someone interject very timely connections. It worked very well. Not sure why I can't figure this out for free at home. I guess I can't get an outsiders view for those connections she made because I've been so stuck in the situations. I left with a lot to think about. That's the point I guess.

Turf Talk

I love my new neighborhood, Ukrainian Village. Its close to affordable good food, a giant new chain grocery store, bars, friends. My apartment rules. That said, the area is a little rough around the edges (which is fine by me). It's sort of like a cleaned up Mission, my old neighborhood in SF. Anyway, last week I noticed the largest throw-up of gang graffiti I've seen in Chicago by the Latin Kings. Granted, I've only lived in Bucktown before this where there's no graffiti anywhere. I do work in Bronzeville though but I don't even see it down here too much either. Today I took Audrey out at 7 am, and saw the following on the church that is directly next door to my house:





Whirrrr turf war! I looked up the info on ChicagoGangs.org and found the following info:

My house (info on the Insane C-Notes:



Other graffiti by the grocery store:



My boss explained to me that the upside down pitchfork thingy is actually an upside down crown and it means basically, fuck you latin kings.

I'm not really afraid or upset by any of this. I've lived in far worse areas and it' s not like I'll be caught in some wild crossfire ever. Seems more just some silly war in name only. Maybe in drug stuff but not violence. What I would like to know is:

1. Who is wolfy and who was before wolfy?
2. How many hits will this post generate by people looking for Chicago gang info?
3. How will the super poor barely operating church next door pay to paint over that?

Too soon?

I just took off my flannel sheets and replaced them with jersey sheets. I also removed the electric blanket. Will I regret this? Given the absolute snowy shit-zone Chicago has been since November I probably will. But I gotta have something to look forward to right?

Oh wait! I do! My bestie Paul is visiting me May 8th!!! On the docket: golden girls, a couch, and a bag of classic cheetos.

Weekend Update

Friday I got dinner at High Dive with Nate (yes, you heard it correctly), then we watched No Country for Old Men at my place. I thought the movie was ok, not awesome, just ok. I really don't like violence so it was hard to watch for a good chunk of it.

Saturday Wendy and I worked on a sewing project. We are making reusable grocery totes out of this umbrella-esque fabric, which we copied off of this Envirosax design. I've never made a pattern before, so that was pretty fun. We didn't have time to sew it after the shopping and cutting, so I'll have to do that later in the week.

Saturday night we went to the Hideout to see May or May Not play and Steve DJ. It was a lot of fun, lots of people came out.

Today was lazy. I made waffles in the morning, then we flipped between Shaun of the Dead, Hellboy, and some amazingly shitty movie called Lord of Illusions. Then I took a major nap. I need to clean but I'm feeling lazy and would rather watch What not to Wear.

retail therapy and therapy

Wednesday I took a vacation day because I just couldn't handle the thought of sitting at work for 8 hours doing nothing. My friend Andy has the week off from teaching (Spring Break!), so we went on a suburban shopping excursion to the premium outlets in Aurora (yes, where Wayne's World takes place). It was a strange mix of very midwestern outlet mall and then high end stores like Armani and Diesel outlets. I realized earlier this week that I have no clothes for this spring or summer, and that I was still wearing clothes I bought when I lived in Madison which was 6 years ago. Sick! I'm not that body shape anymore nor should I be dressing like I'm 21. So I splurged a bit and got: 3 skirts (one black mini, one knee length denim, one amazing herringbone/tweedish a-line), 2 shirts for summer, 1 adorbs cardigan, 2 bras, underwear, 3 pairs of socks, one pair of work bermuda-style shorts. So much! It was really fun to take all the tags off and hang new things in my closet for the first time in a long time. I also ordered a great pair of canvas skimmers/flats for summer feet happy time. Now if only the weather would accommodate my new clothes and stop snowing!

Wednesday night I saw Sleep Out at the Beat Kitchen. I was really nervous to go as it was the first time I've seen anybody since 'the breakup'. There was a competing show last night, so fortunately (?) I didn't have to see too many people and feel stupid and worthless and unwanted. It's all in my head though, I'm aware, nobody acted or treated me stupidly. Stupid head.

Speaking of a stupid head, today I met with a therapist. I haven't seen one in Chicago before. There's a funny story about accidentally calling some freaky religious psychotherapy group, but have no fear, I found a much cooler place to go that has feminist therapists. I liked the woman, but usually it takes awhile to know if they are really good. She seems to think that it'll be about 12 weeks to really make major headway on my "goals" which apparently are:

-stop being jealous/hurt when people don't invite me to do things but invite others
-stop being a control freak/mother to Nate
-stop thinking everybody hates me or thinks I'm not cool or that people 'owe me' for whatever reason I think that (I don't know why I think that, hence the therapy)

It was sort of weird to be on a therapist's couch again. My last session was almost exactly two years ago, when I decided to move to Chicago and start anew, and here I am having many of the same problems I had then with regards to control/perfection/depression. Guess I'm stuck with this for life. How's that for depressing, that I'm just permanently damaged and will spend my entire life having to be conscious of how good or bad I've got it under control.

Tomorrow I'm doing dinner and a movie with Nate, and Saturday I'm doing crafty/sewing day with Wendy. Should be a pretty ok weekend.

head = not kept up

I didn't know that it could ever be possible to be this fucking heartbroken. It's so embarrassing that I can't get out from under this crushing weight of anxiety and depression. How the fuck do you recover from the feeling that your world is crashing all around you?

2 years ago

Two years ago today I found out that I was accepted into the Master's program for Women's Studies back in San Francisco. If I had stayed there, I'd be in my last semester of it. Thinking about that is insane. I don't know if the feeling is one of depression and regret or relief and reflection. It's weird to think how different my life would be if I had stayed in SF. I surely would have been single by this point, probably living with random roommates, still working at the same place. Engaging in awesome discussions on gender and class and race and all that fun stuff. Going to Fort Funston with doggy and running wild on the beach. Sigh, ok now its starting to sound real real good. It blows my brain how much has changed in the past 2 years, and what could have been that now isn't.

My post from that day:

I got accepted to the women studies masters program at SFSU today. I have until April 17th to decide. Yikes! It seems like so much to think about, if I do it thats another 3 years here...is that cool with me? I don't know. What about my desire to move and be a drifter idiot? I feel happy I got in, but now I'm stressed. I wasn't even admitted conditionally, like I thought I'd be!

squeak squeak squeak

Audrey was running absolutely wild for 5 minutes - back and forth across the apartment, so I tried to grab my camera to capture it. However, as soon as I reached for it she realized that maybe she'd be on camera and so of course she quit. I took some video of her anyway just because I'm bored. I like that the video is fuzzy, because thats sorta how she is - a blur of ridiculousness.

Check it out here

48 cookies and only 1 mouth

I baked 48 ghiradelli chocolate chip cookies this afternoon, got bailed on, and now have just one mouth to chew them with. Guess my coworkers will reap the rewards tomorrow.

Yesterday I got lunch with Torri at Tweet. I hadn't seen her since January, and all I wanted was to get advice from her, catch up, and talk to someone who is sincere, honest, and has a level head. And it was perfecto. She gave me some great perspectives on life and all the shit that is going on in mine. She also recommended some good books too. All around awesome.

I didn't go out on Friday or Saturday, but I actually wanted to. Unreturned texts and confusion on where I'm "allowed" to be lead to me just watching movies alone with my dog. I watched Friends with Money on Friday (eh) and tried to watch Julian Donkey-Boy but found it totally unwatchable. That leaves me with a perfect streak of hating every Harmony Korine movie so much that I have to stop watching them. And this one even had Herzog as a crazy-ass dad and I STILL couldn't stomach it. I turned it off and watched the White Diamond for the 1,000th time instead.

Still miserable and now having trust and faith-in-others issues, which really isn't helping my shitty attitude already. Maybe eating 48 cookies will make me feel so much worse that I'll forget about how wrecked I am.

I got $600 for my scrap gold!

I love the scrap gold commercial. Ever notice how bad the teeth are in that old lady's mouth? Makes me want to get my teeth whitened. I have a sinus headache right now, and am thinking that someone should make a movie where people melt humans that are mostly worthless or obsolete but have a few good qualities left into one giant super human who is the most perfect person of all time. And then they pay the person who 'donated' the human. It could be called Scrap Human, or Scrapan, or Meltdown, or Old Teeth Lady Melted the Shit Out of You and She Got 600 dollars. Will Smith would be the star.

switchblade sister

Another slow day with little to do but obsess over thoughts in my brain. I cleaned my office from top to bottom just now. Been listening to Rye Coalition all week, guess I'm in a serious butt rock phase.

Last night I went to Jacob and Wendy's to eat tortas and watch Lost with them on their HDTV. I forgot how awesome that show is in HD. Makes me really want to go into further debt to get a fancy television, but I'll restrain myself. I also got my glasses tightened so they'll stop falling off my face, and I walked 2 miles home while talking to Paul on the phone. The walking, eating, watching, talking kept my brain pretty decently occupied.

I'm hoping to get brunch with Torri tomorrow, but that depends on her family being healthy enough to let her out of the house. I don't know whats going on tonight. I'm still pretty depressed and angry and irrational and whacked out, so not sure if its a good idea to go out or drink.

T minus 115 minutes left in the workday

Join Cathy, as she struggles to live in a world where croutons are often forgotten and "Trilla" has yet to go platinum (may have to click to see it bigger).

universe u did that

How wrong (or right) is it that I'm the first hit on the following search:



And what is more humorous: Cathy comics redone so that instead of Cathy you see a porno star or Cathy comics redone with really horrid thought bubbles?

Always elegant, always refined

A few glasses of wine and boredom, and I decided to take some photos of my place. It may be a better idea to do it during the daytime, but I'm lazy and had the gumption to do it now, late at night. click here to see most of the place. What's missing is: close-ups of the kitchen because I've done absolutely zilch in there yet, and also my office/storage zone because its currently a giant dumping ground that I haven't organized yet. Despite those two rooms, I feel like I've done a decent job for living here only 3 weeks.

Also, check out my lil pupperoni:



Oh wee lil pup, you are always here for me and are my bestest friend on earth. You're sorta stupid sometimes, but always a lover.

And P.S. today wasn't really any easier.

Sausage opens a floodgate for many of us Rose

just took two of my dog's melatonin sleeping pills. Maybe this will work. I'm going to go to work tomorrow in the hopes of keeping my mind off shit. Maybe (gasp) turn off google talk and just work? Doubtful.

Tonight was the last hybrid documentary night. It was sort of sad because I enjoyed having something to go to each Monday night, enjoyed seeing new movies with other people who like movies. It was fun. Unfortunately tonight was Herzog's Wild Blue Yonder, and even after this second viewing I still don't like it. Everyone else did though. I actually fell asleep during some of the underwater/other world scenes. snooozing like the throat singers in the background. The instructor is starting up her own screenings of whatever experimental shit she can get, so maybe I'll stalk her and go to those things and meet some new people or something. Doubtful.


Here's to the Golden Girls taking me to dream-land.

mint oreos

Well this has to be the worst weekend I've had since I moved here. I didn't really want to be so public about it, but I'm not able to talk to someone person to person yet and I really want to let my friends know what is going on with me so I don't get left in a lurch. I got straight up dumped on Friday night, couldn't attend a joint birthday party as a result, spent the weekend crying, not eating, packing someone else's belongings (worst experience ever- packing a globe you got someone for an anniversary is oddly ironic as they end up taking the 'world' away from you in a cardboard box), experiencing unprecedented anger, betrayal, crushing pain and hurt, sadness, depression, loneliness, bitterness, like my world is ending in all time high levels. Oh and also paranoia that I will get no support from our friends and everyone will 'side' with him and be all happy he ended it because I'm some psycho bitch that nobody likes. But apparently I'm "always having problems" and nobody will want to ever deal with me and why would someone want to be with someone who has this mixture of knowing what she wants yet "always has problems" when you could be with some bimbo that doesn't question anything and is a doormat? Also, its not like this was some casual whatever 2 month relationship. This was serious and special and meant something to me, and I thought was pretty decent. I guess I was wrong.

What hurts me is that nobody ever thinks that I'm fragile. I can hang with the dudes, make fun of people, put up a strong outward front, but I'm still a person who gets hurt and needs help. People told me to 'be careful' with this one as if I was going to trample on someone's heart, and here I am the one with the heart in the garbage can. Its fucking painful and awful and I can't even function and I just want some support while I attempt to pick up the pieces and I'm afraid I'm not deserving of it or not going to get it. And I'm sure this is all irrational but it's where I am today.

That said, Andy helped a good amount today. We saw Girls Rock!, a documentary about a rock'n'roll camp for adolescent girls. I really didn't want to leave my couch today, let alone shower and take two buses, but I've wanted to see this movie forever and it's only playing at the Music Box and I think only for this week. I didn't want to miss it. So I picked my sorry ass up and saw a really inspiring empowering documentary about women helping women and girls overcoming societal expectations of them. Watching these 14 year old girls say things like "why would you want to be the girlfriend of some boy in a band? that's stupid, just start your own band!" was so amazing if not bittersweet. I can't recommend this movie enough. It felt good to see a movie with women working together and encouraging the future generation of powerful women. It also felt good to just not cry for a few hours.

When I got home I figured I'd watch the netflix I got yesterday, Sukeban Gerira aka Girl Boss Guerrilla. It's a 1970's Japanese sexploitation film about some seriously kick ass girl gangs fucking tearing apart the yakuza (male-dominated mafia in Japan). The gang all has these wicked boob tattoos, they fucking beat down all these men, its great (aside from that whole sexploitation bit, which is sort of the consciously ironic right?). It was very cathartic for me to see this and Girls Rock today.

I also got the news my uncle has to do this insane 2 month treatment in Jacksonville this summer to deal with his cancer. Apparently its all cutting edge and should work but its still stressful to know someone you love is having so many problems and has to fly all the way across the country in the hopes of some brand-new treatment working.

So tomorrow I'll go to work I guess. Have my last film night at Facets, and I'd rather just sit at home but I can't miss it because its Herzog, and Herzog trumps even the worst mental pain.

it's just me and the dog ... again

Monkeys

For those of you who know me in person or have been reading this for ages, you know that I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life. My mom has it, my brothers, I’m sure other people in my family do, it’s pretty hereditary in my world. I’m not ashamed of it. What’s the point of being upset about something that you know is stuck with you for life? I’m not into self-loathing or shame. Anyway, I’ve been on anti-depressants for close to four years straight now, but the past two years I’ve been without a therapist because of the move here and simply not taking the time to find a new one. I also feel like I know what the therapist would say that I need to do to ‘fix’ my current problems, so I don’t want to drop the money to hear what I already know. That said I also know when I’ve let my shit get out of control and need help getting less out of control.

My warning signs:

Waking up is a chore and a dread even on weekends
Relationships deteriorate with friends, family and significant other
Socializing halts to a bare minimum
Mass irritability and intolerance at all times (even more than I normally have)
Total inability to accomplish things at work
Anxiety about having to do any simple task
Feeling like just breathing requires mental effort that I don’t want to expend
Sense that the world is out to get me

I can function with a few of these at a time, but not all of them, and lately I’ve had all of them and a few I can’t even describe in words. I keep saying “I need a vacation” thinking that going away for a weekend will fix it but I don’t think that’s all it will take. I wake up every day pissed off at the world, sit at work frozen and spaced out, then go home and watch tv and talk to my dog and go to bed earlier than normal.

All this bummin’ doesn’t mean I can’t totally function – I’ve had some fun chats with friends at work and on the phone with my besties Kevin and Paul. I went out last weekend; I’ll go out for a birthday party tomorrow. But my problems are constantly right up to the fill-line, threatening to spill over into bitch or cry territory at any moment. So I guess I really do need to go see some third-party therapist to bitch and cry to until I can get back to a more stable zone.

It makes me sort of embarrassed to be so upset right now considering that I have a pretty decent life – a job I enjoy, friends, nice place to live, doting doggy, first world amenities, etc. I’m fully aware of those things, but that’s the problem with a mental disease like anxiety or depression – your brain doesn’t let you feel happy with what you have. And many people who don’t have anxiety/depression have no clue what is going on, or don’t accept it exists, or don’t want to bother with it, or think it’s just not a big deal. I don’t expect anybody to take care of me while I figure my own shit out, but I’d like people to know that I’m aware of the problem and am trying to work through it. And I’d also like people who have the same problems to know that it’s really nothing to hide or be ashamed of, happens to the best of us.

Weekend Update

I'm sleepy and my internet doesn't work, but I am catching someone's wireless somewhere. Weee! I'm tempted to just cancel the internet if this idiot keeps his "linksys" account unpassword protected, but I'm too addicted to take that chance.

So after that brutal Thursday I called in sick to work Friday and snuggled with Audrey all day to avoid humanity. Friday night Nate came over, we ordered pizza and watched the King of Kong. I thought it was a great movie, although since taking this hybrid documentary class I'm having a really hard time watching documentaries without being really critical about the true/false subjectiveness of it all. Hard to just sit back and enjoy a doc for face value.

Saturday we slept in, I got up only to go back to sleep on the couch for the afternoon. In the evening Nate and I went to a nice dinner at Wildfire, a steak place downtown. I went there last year with JP and Torri, so I knew what to expect and knew it was one of the few steakhouses I could afford to treat Nate at for helping me move/valentines day. We got goofy drinks like Manhattans, ate steaks and pork chops, had a big chocolate cream pie dessert, and enjoyed checking out people's bad clothing. Afterwards we went to his friend Nick's birthday get-together at Quencher's, where I didn't really know anybody. The liquor from dinner made me sort of tired, which got me crabby to be somewhere where nobody was talking to me and I wasn't doing a very good job of talking, so I just went home instead.

Sunday was another sleep in, then I did that rectangle of errands that is Target, PetSmart, Home Depot and Dominicks. I somehow fit all of them in the 2.5 hour time period I had the car share for, which may be a new record for me. Nate installed a curtain rod to put my navy curtains up in my room to help block out the extreme brightness that comes in the morning. I spend the evening watching tv and reading for my other blog. Went to bed in the new dark room, and Audrey didn't wake up at the buttcrack of dawn today like she has been. I declare the curtains a success!

I went to work today despite really wanting to continue to stay home, and it was ok. Hybrid doc night was tonight - we watched An Injury to One and House of the Tiger King. It was a long night of movies, but both were pretty decent. Next week is the last class - with Wild Blue Yonder, my least favorite Herzog film. I'm hoping that a second viewing will help me enjoy it better?