The marathon is Sunday

Tomorrow I'll be running 26.2 miles, joining the masses who have done this ridiculous race since 490 B.C.. May 3, 2008 was the first run with the AIDS Marathon people, and a few weeks before that was my first run in over a year. That means 26 weeks of training, and 23 Friday nights gone so I could get up and run with my pace group. More often than not Saturday was wasted from exhaustion and soreness. An entire summer of weekends was sacrificed for this goal. What the hell was I thinking? I wanted to do something good with my life and I also wanted to show myself I could do something really hard. Turns out I did it.

I'm really proud of myself - indescribably proud. I've never been one to take on giant tasks and I certainly haven't finished any bigger activity I started. A marathon has to be one of the more difficult physical and emotional activities a person can do, and I stuck with it despite an IT band injury and countless times of doubt. Sometimes when you are running 20 miles it becomes such an emotional experience. You feel like you can't finish it, but quitting would make you feel worse than the pain you have in your legs. The thought of quitting would bring tears to my eyes, and its really hard to be choked up and run at the same time. When I was injured in July and couldn't run or had to stop a run early I came home and sobbed as a result. Training gave me this new level of determination I've never had before. I always felt like everybody around me thinks that I'm lazy and don't really do anything outside of my job because I don't do music/art/film. I think that feeling was mostly me projecting onto others that I thought I was lazy and a waste of space. Now I can prove myself and any doubters of me wrong. Gotta admit that feels awesome. I certainly didn't think I'd get very far on this, and I felt like it was just assumed or expected that I'd quit. As a result, it feels awesome to be where I am now after so much self-doubt and zero confidence I could do it.

I also raised $1,500 for all local Chicago nonprofits that help HIV/AIDS programs. Last night at our big pasta party a woman spoke to us who has been living with HIV for 20 years and has benefited greatly from a nonprofit that works specifically with female HIV victims. It was really sad, and I felt good that the money I raised would help this woman and thousands of other Chicagoans. Nate came with and he said he left the event all inspired too. Apparently one of my running friends sitting with us choked up (I didn't see it), so I'm not the only one who's been really moved by this experience.

I've been really stressed out and emotional the past few weeks. I believe its from the impending race and the knowledge that after the race I return to 'normal'. The race has me really freaked out. I'm excited to run it but I'm terrified I'll get hurt and not finish. Not finishing would be a massive disappointment to me. It's just not an option. I think I should be ok because my two favorite running pals and I have a pact - we are going to start and finish together. It'll be one big race o' cheesiness. I wouldn't want to do it without them though; you really get to know someone at their core when you only see them at 7 am on Saturdays and in various stages of physical and emotional strain.

I feel like I haven't conveyed enough to myself and those around me how special this experience has been. It seemed as if even Nate didn't truly understand the magnitude of the race and the fundraising until he came to that pasta party last night, and he talks to me more than anybody. Simply put it's the biggest most important accomplishment I've had in my life so far. I'm prouder of myself for this run than for anything else I've done - beyond my career, moving all over, fixing my shit when it needs fixing, everything. The training and upcoming marathon have shown me that I have more willpower and drive than I knew about. I hope those qualities don't disappear after this. Makes me think I need a new 5 month all-consuming goal to start in November.

Thanks to all of you who cheered me on, inquired about my training, told me you thought it was really cool, donated money, checked in on me etc. Extra special thanks to Nate for babysitting me after some of the worst runs by walking Audrey when I couldn't go up and down a flight of stairs, and for listening to me cry and fret over something silly like running. Couldn't have done this without you.

And finally, I hear you are supposed to reward yourself after the marathon. I think my reward will be to finally finish my office/spare room and not feel guilty about the cost.