saturday

6:45: woke up, read emails, cried, walked dog, picked up dog poop

7:00: sat back down, stewed, went to bed and read a bit

7:30: cried, tried some silly meditation thing i just read about eventually fell asleep

10:35: woke back up, scratched doggy on neck, cried, made a pot of coffee, turned on Oxygen because at 11 there's a documentary on sex workers that I'm sure will be dumbed down

11:00: uh oh, Lisa Ling starts the beginning of this show, this can't be good

11:01: Audrey farts as I take my first sip of coffee. great timing

11:22: Crying again, writing Chazz back, not being too interested in this show. Resolve to call AT&T at noon about why my supposedly easy-dsl set up isn't working. Ironic that now Comcast is being ok.

12:40: Whoops haven't called AT&T yet, got distracted on the internet.

1:25: Still haven't called, Audrey is on my lap and I don't want to disturb her. Have coffee jitters but can't get any water or food due to the lap-dog situation. Watching HGTV in the background, finding internet serendipity

1:40: opened my windows! heating up burrito fixins

2:05: took Audrey for a walk along this route. Kids asked to pet her and she tried to bite them, which scared them shitless and led to them asking "whats wrong with your dog!?" I said "question of the century kiddos"

3:00: returned home, watching White Sox game, laughing at Nick Swisher's announcing the batting order. Nice Apollo Creed joke.

3:11: Spent 27 minutes on the phone with AT&T who, naturally, determined they need to come out her to see why my DSL won't connect. Let's hope Comcast stays working. AT&T has been light years above and beyond helpful to me and super polite. Points for them. I didn't even have to ask and they are crediting my bill for these days I haven't had it. Good job guys.

4:00: bestie from Minneapolis Paul called! I believe it is impossible to be sad when you talk to him. He's the best bestie one could ever ask for. Got me all excited for his visit in May, and mad that airline prices keep going up and up leaving me with no options to visit him and Kevin.

4:22: confused by the bad facial hair of the White Sox this season, but if it gives them team pride, then more power to 'em. Starting to love Nick Swisher.

5:00: Kevin called! Gave him the dirt, talked again about plane prices.

5:35: White Sox win! I also realized I made it to a pretty important personal 24 hour milestone, which makes me feel proud and empowered for the first time in over a month. woot! This therapist may be onto something...

6:22: whoops, guess I couldn't make it to hour 25. regression! my chest and lungs feel really hot and like I can't breathe, is that an anxiety attack? You know how people in AA or NA have sponsors? They should have sponsors for people who are heartbroken.

7:00: Took a shower to calm down from the freak out. Texted some people to see if anybody is going anywhere near here (see, me trying!), since I can't afford a cab ride home. Pathetic!

7:22: Reheating last night's pizza.

8:30: oh my god I got sucked into "Must Love Dogs". I think this may be the dumbest movie I've seen in the past few years, but dumb is refreshing sometimes. Decided I don't want to go out because I'd probably end up drinking which would use money I don't have and inevitably have a bad reaction with my meds. Thinking of ways to see friends without bars: dinner, coffee, dog walks, movies, lots of summery outdoorsy stuff soon. Good stuff.

10:28: about to finish Wanda, and it does not meet my expectations. Disappointing. Someone's description on IMDB: In grim, rust-belt Pennsylvania, Wanda is down and out. She works sporadically, has abandoned her husband and children, sleeps on her sister's couch, drinks and smokes too much, and goes home with men just to have a roof over her head. One night she walks into a bar after closing and finds a nervous Mr. Dennis pacing. She takes up with him, and he proves to be a criminal. They go on the road, visit his father, and he plans a robbery. He's rude and demanding; Wanda accepts his abuse docilely. What future does she have? See? Sounds pretty interesting right? It wasn't.

10:40: Walk Audrey one last time after watching an attempted rape scene in Wanda. I generally have a boycott on films that depict rape, but I wasn't warned on this one! This movie was beyond depressing, whereas I thought it was going to be an empowerment film due to its female director. Let-down. Ate a peanut butter cup Nick left me.

10:45: Audrey is drinking an insane amount of water, so she'll probably wake me up at 3 am to pee again. She hasn't done that yet in this house.

11:00: End (kenny) loggin(s).

Its nice to look at this and see the waves I go through in a day. Sometimes doing pretty dang well, other times not so hot. Awhile ago it was not so hot all the time, so I'm happy that I was mostly fine today after this rough morning. My therapist says (god I hate being one of those people) to 'spread my eggs'. No, she did not tell me to donate my womanly essence. She meant to get my proverbial eggs out of just one basket and spread them around to a few baskets. Or to realize that some baskets have been empty for awhile and it made me sad without realizing it. Way to go therapist. Why have a guru when you can have a licensed clinical social worker?