mint oreos

Well this has to be the worst weekend I've had since I moved here. I didn't really want to be so public about it, but I'm not able to talk to someone person to person yet and I really want to let my friends know what is going on with me so I don't get left in a lurch. I got straight up dumped on Friday night, couldn't attend a joint birthday party as a result, spent the weekend crying, not eating, packing someone else's belongings (worst experience ever- packing a globe you got someone for an anniversary is oddly ironic as they end up taking the 'world' away from you in a cardboard box), experiencing unprecedented anger, betrayal, crushing pain and hurt, sadness, depression, loneliness, bitterness, like my world is ending in all time high levels. Oh and also paranoia that I will get no support from our friends and everyone will 'side' with him and be all happy he ended it because I'm some psycho bitch that nobody likes. But apparently I'm "always having problems" and nobody will want to ever deal with me and why would someone want to be with someone who has this mixture of knowing what she wants yet "always has problems" when you could be with some bimbo that doesn't question anything and is a doormat? Also, its not like this was some casual whatever 2 month relationship. This was serious and special and meant something to me, and I thought was pretty decent. I guess I was wrong.

What hurts me is that nobody ever thinks that I'm fragile. I can hang with the dudes, make fun of people, put up a strong outward front, but I'm still a person who gets hurt and needs help. People told me to 'be careful' with this one as if I was going to trample on someone's heart, and here I am the one with the heart in the garbage can. Its fucking painful and awful and I can't even function and I just want some support while I attempt to pick up the pieces and I'm afraid I'm not deserving of it or not going to get it. And I'm sure this is all irrational but it's where I am today.

That said, Andy helped a good amount today. We saw Girls Rock!, a documentary about a rock'n'roll camp for adolescent girls. I really didn't want to leave my couch today, let alone shower and take two buses, but I've wanted to see this movie forever and it's only playing at the Music Box and I think only for this week. I didn't want to miss it. So I picked my sorry ass up and saw a really inspiring empowering documentary about women helping women and girls overcoming societal expectations of them. Watching these 14 year old girls say things like "why would you want to be the girlfriend of some boy in a band? that's stupid, just start your own band!" was so amazing if not bittersweet. I can't recommend this movie enough. It felt good to see a movie with women working together and encouraging the future generation of powerful women. It also felt good to just not cry for a few hours.

When I got home I figured I'd watch the netflix I got yesterday, Sukeban Gerira aka Girl Boss Guerrilla. It's a 1970's Japanese sexploitation film about some seriously kick ass girl gangs fucking tearing apart the yakuza (male-dominated mafia in Japan). The gang all has these wicked boob tattoos, they fucking beat down all these men, its great (aside from that whole sexploitation bit, which is sort of the consciously ironic right?). It was very cathartic for me to see this and Girls Rock today.

I also got the news my uncle has to do this insane 2 month treatment in Jacksonville this summer to deal with his cancer. Apparently its all cutting edge and should work but its still stressful to know someone you love is having so many problems and has to fly all the way across the country in the hopes of some brand-new treatment working.

So tomorrow I'll go to work I guess. Have my last film night at Facets, and I'd rather just sit at home but I can't miss it because its Herzog, and Herzog trumps even the worst mental pain.