my apartment is going to kill me

I have between 12-14 weeks left in this hell hole my landlords call a 1 bedroom + den. This morning I was enjoying the extra lay-in-bed time because I didn't have to work. Audrey and I were snuggled up under the electric blanket. The one source of heat in my apartment - this wall unit heater that should probably explode at any point, turns on. It's humming along, blowing dusty gross air all over as it always does, when it starts to sound like it's dying. It gets really quiet and sorta groans. Then I hear BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! Lots of little beeps, that I can only assume is my carbon monoxide meter going off, so I freak out. This is the end. I'm going to die at 7 am on a cold January morning in a garden apartment in Chicago. Alone with just my dog.

Thankfully this thought only lasted a few moments, as the beeping stopped and the heater came back on. When I finally got out of bed at 9, I noticed that my microwave's clock had been restarted, which means there must have been a power surge or brown-out or something in my building. That made me feel a lot better...until I realized that both my carbon monoxide detector and fire alarm are not working because I had to take the batteries out because they go off anytime I turn on my oven. This place is AWESOME.

My apartment is second only to the lovely shitbag on Guerrero in SF, where:

-We had an invasion of grain weevils that forever prevented us from having any rice or pasta
-We had an ant invasion
-We had no heat for over a month in the middle of winter
-We had mice
-and oh yes WE GOT FUCKING ROBBED BY A 40 YEAR OLD FEMALE CRACKHEAD IN OUR HOUSE WHEN WE WERE ASLEEP.

And this place is a close close second. In my nearly two years here, I:

-had some rat/squirrel/something chew through the wood surrounding the pipes to my kitchen sink and eat all my dog food in the middle of the night
-have these weird ass bugs, whose name escapes me currently, swarm my apartment every summer
-gnats, gnats everywhere in spring
-the occasional fly invasion, even in mid-winter
-a wall unit heater that really must be illegal and should explode at any moment
-a dishwasher that was full of standing water for 9 months
-a neighbor who has a dog named HAPPY that has attacked my dog twice
-the worlds smallest bathroom that is also pretty funky


Thank god I have my money saved up to move when my lease ends on April 30th. Every day here is another day I want to firebomb my landlord's office.

Also, another reason I thought I was going to die today was that the owner of my dog walking company came in my apartment. Normally my guy Ken comes, but I told them to cancel for Monday due to my day off. I guess they didn't get the message because around 1:30 Audrey starts freaking the hell out. I'm zoning out on the couch in front of some mid-90's Law and Order episode, shouting vainly at the dog, when MY DOOR OPENS UP. I freak out as I see a man walking in, but somehow only muster a "Oh no!" like some Victorian-era damsel in distress. It turns out to be the owner of the dog walking company, whom Audrey hasn't seen in awhile. Audrey pisses everywhere and freaks out. Once the confusion was settled and he left I took a lovely 3 hour nap. Just me, my terrifying wall heater and a totally riled up dog who farted in my face while we were spooning.

I'm tired of living alone and always having to take care of myself. I want my Grown Up Life to start soon please.