there's nothing more I want...

I was talking to Soup just now about life. Pretty profound huh? I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I was melancholy. I’m not satisfied with my life as it’s going, and I can’t figure out how to enjoy each day for what it is without obsessing over what it’s not. I am constantly thinking about the future; about how to get where I want to be and how to accomplish goals I’ve had for ages. I get so worried about it that I can’t make good judgments about the present. Everything I do at work is completed under the pretense of ‘how will this advance me,’ so I can’t just enjoy what is clearly my destined career. I’m embroiled in some political battles, which makes work more stressful than I believe work should be. I’ve always told myself I will not work in a field that requires anything beyond the 40 hour work week, and lately I find myself working at home just to get ahead in the battle. I’m naturally competitive, so it makes sense that I’m wrapped up in this, but I don’t like it.

Unfortunately work is the least of my dissatisfactions right now. I feel totally inadequate as a friend. I don’t consider myself interesting, and lately I’m not even fun to be around. I have nothing to contribute to my friends. I can’t make anything for them, I can’t play an instrument, I have little interest in talking about music, they don’t like film, and I get even more awkward and irritating to be around when I’m already feeling off. I’ve let some friendships wilt, and I don’t have the confidence to fix them or even to think that those people want to be around me in the first place. I’m sick of going to bars, but don’t command enough authority in my circle to get anyone to try anything else. My feelings are hurt when they don’t include me on the ‘to invite out’ list, but I don’t invite anyone anywhere either. I’m stuck in a cycle of feeling ignored and feeling like I have nothing to offer so it’s natural I’d be ignored.

[...]

I’m sick of being in debt and seeing no hope of getting out anytime soon. I’ve done a little to fix this – I haven’t been drinking when I go out all that often, and I haven’t been going out to eat. I’d like to go out to eat but my eating partner has been too busy to get meals with me. I’m saving a little money each month so I can get out of the apartment that I hate when my lease ends in April. I’m supposedly getting a raise this week. I’ve consolidated my bad credit cards. All that said, it will still be about three years before I’ve got that debt paid off, and that isn’t soon enough for me. Yet I’m not willing to make the hard sacrifices to get out sooner, such as get a roommate, cancel cable, cancel dog walker, etc. So again, it all comes back to me being a shithead.

Some people have no ability to plan ahead, and I can’t stand that. I’d like to find a happy medium between planning and doing so that I may stop this depression I’ve sunk into about my life. Everyone seems to have advice too, and while it’s nice that people are looking out for me, this is all something I need to do on my own. I’ve been conducting my own life (and the lives of others) since my mom got sick in 6th grade, and I’d like to think so far I’ve been successful. I have a master’s degree, lived where I’ve wanted to, haven’t had to borrow from parents, had some successful relationships, have solid lifelong friendships, am capable of living independently…I’ve done a lot. I’ve cycled through all this crap before and fixed it on my own, I can do it again.