Because I can't get any lower...

Edit: I wrote this last night, and slept on it deciding if it should go 'public'. I realized, eh, I'm 26, big deal, I've got no shame in writing stupid crap on here. Besides, the blog gets better traffic this way right?

After X years of dating people in bands, you'd think I would have learned my lesson(s) by now. The first one is I'm really not cut out for it. I wish I could understand why I'm only attracted to people who put music above all else. I certainly tried to find dudes that aren't in bands, and they all blew. The second is, nothing is ever, ever, ever on time at a show. I had the grand idea to eat dinner with Nate at the Harmony Grill before their show at Schubas. There is a high chance I won't see him until Friday night, at another one of his band's functions, so I thought this would be a good time to sit down and hang out. I show up, and they haven't even sound checked yet. I sit alone while they do it and get extreme flashbacks to Jake shows, hell one of those shows was even at Schubas! The delay in sound check wasn't their fault at all, thats just how shows go, but its super irritating nonetheless. And I feel like an idiot for being optimistic that this plan would work.

It makes me sick that I'm angry and bitchy and snappy 23 hours a day right now. I'm not just emotionally but physically messed up- I've been cycling between not eating for days and then binging, not able to catch my breath, can't sleep... I don't think that's who I am - until the past year or two I didn't know how to be angry. Me not knowing what it felt like to be angry was one of the big 'things' to work on when I was in therapy two years ago. I bottled everything up and was totally dead all the time as far as any emotions went. Well now I can feel them, which I guess is what is known as progress, but man I've been full of nothing other than resentment, irritation, and anger at myself and bleeding to outside parties for the past month. The few people I've talked to about it have told me to change the situation if I'm that upset. However, I'm not making any changes only because I know whats causing this turmoil is a temporary situation so I just need to buck up and deal for a few more weeks. I hate being such a whiner and control freak about everything, but other than seeing Audrey every evening, I don't have much that's making me happy right now. I wasn't like this when I was single, which is probably the most irritating aspect of the whole thing. I'd just go out and enjoy myself then, and I don't anymore because I sit around waiting like a doofus.

I'm not cut out for this, whatever this is.