Sunday, December 31, 2006

Don't take your dog's pills

Audrey is on 6 mg of Melatonin daily, to help her relax and to help her grow her hair back. It's a miracle drug for dogs, and the vet told me if I ever needed to "relax" I could take it too. This past week I haven't been good about taking my real medication, and last night I started to experience withdrawal symptoms. I couldn't fall asleep for over two hours, my body was super tense and itchy, and my teeth were clenched to the point where it was painful. I realized that I could take the melatonin, so around 3 a.m. I took 6 mg, which is what my 10 pound dog takes.

I promptly knocked out, but had to wake up at 8 to feed and take out Audrey. I felt super foggy when I took her out, so I went back to bed. I didn't set my alarm because I figured I'd probably get up around 11 or 12 naturally.

Nope.

I just woke up - at 2 pm. And I have so much to do before tonight's festivities! Yet, I blog instead. Time to get off my sleepy ass and get movin. No more melatonin for me.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Surprise Visit

Last night I was making a pizza with Nick and JP when my phone rang. It was Jake. What did he want? I answered, and apparently he was in town, only 10 minutes from my apartment. Great advance warning, as I was now a few miles from my place. We made loose arrangements for him to come see Audrey. Yes, its like visitation rights. I went home after losing miserably in dominoes, and Jake came over. Audrey was so excited to see him that her tail went straight (big deal for a curly-tailed dog). She couldn't contain herself! I took some photos:

Click on photo to see them in larger size

Audrey in love:


Bestiality:


Audrey lickin goobers:


Jake had only an hour to spare, and as he left I could tell Audrey was super bummed. She wouldn't leave the couch, and her eyes were very sad. I wondered if it was actually worse for Audrey to have that minute glimpse of Jake. Perhaps its better she just never see him and forget he was her dad? I think only other dog owners can understand this, but I was really sad for Audrey. Her and Jake are wildly in love, so its hard they don't get to spend time together. I know she's not a human and she is "only a dog" but she is/was our dog and we love her like a child. And now I'm choking up over my dog. Better go play fetch with her.

Friday, December 29, 2006

one night to be confused, one night to speed up truth

I have a bad habit of getting stuck on one song and listening to it on repeat for days. Currently it's The Knife's Heartbeats. Some of it is very True Stories, the part where they are showing the shadow act at the talent show, but its just a nice happy song. It got played at Club Foot last night, which made my day. There was a moment at my thanksgiving dinner with Jake's friends when we listened to it and I got all goofy over it. Meaning, I felt like I was outside of the room, and the room was a movie that I was watching of a bunch of friends eating a nice meal and being stuck in the moment. I'm pretty sure nobody talked when the song was playing. (P.S. I don't know why, but 2006 will be forever remembered as the year I got totally hokey)

I've been thinking about resolutions. Should I make some? Do I really need to? I've been pretty successful this past year without any. I'd like to budget my money and time better. I'd also like to lose the extra pounds I gained when I moved to this fatty city. Pretty hackneyed resolutions.

This weekend should be pretty quiet, as everyone is saving up for New Years Eve. I'll be at the InnJoy with my pals who reserved the place. I think people are dressing up, so that will be fun. Five bucks says I spill food and drink all over my nice dress.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Quimby's, Zines, Presents, Writing

I've lived in Chicago since the beginning of May and have never been to Quimby's. I feel like that makes me the worst librarian and book-lover on earth. I only live 10 minutes away from it too! I probably never went because I'm not a big fan of buying books. When you work in a library, its really hard to justify buying books. However, it is really easy to justify buying books when that book you are purchasing is for a friend's upcoming birthday!

So question: Is it rude to read the book before you give it to the person?

I hope not because that is my plan. I'll try not to crease the spine too much. Shhh! Don't tell!

Anyway, Quimby's. The bookstore is more of a zine store, in that half the space is devoted to zines of various types. I used to not be a big zine person. I thought they were pretty cliched and lame (I know I've written about this before). However, after contributing to Alycia's zine, and after reading Doris #15 I think I've changed my mind. There were so many to choose from! So many cute ones! I wanted to call Alycia and get her opinions, as she is the expert, but no cell phones allowed in the store. So Alycia or any zine reader, give me your suggestions.

I got really inspired too. Maybe I'll turn some of my more finished chapters of my work-in-progress into a cutesy zine. I'll probably just talk about it here and never do it though, just like how I wanted to write 1,000 words each day this week and have written 0 words each day. I'm an idiot.

Bad Consumerism

I had to do two difficult things today, stuff I've been dreading dealing with and filled with anxiety over. Actually, only this first one caused anxiety, the other is just me being lazy.

1. I fired my dog walking company this morning. Yesterday I met the new dog walker, and he is great. A friend is one of his walkers, and they are cheaper, so I really was looking forward to this meeting. The new guy seems to really be on the ball, really open, I felt really comfortable with him. This is very important as one of the main issues with my old company was that I had major difficulty telling them when I was not satisfied with their services. My old company had some positives: I always had the same walker, Audrey got walked alone, the guy lived nearby. But the walker routinely showed up extremely late, when he was sick this woman came to walk the dog and couldn't get her out and neglected to call me and tell me Audrey didn't go out...and they are more money than the new company. So I called and fired them today.

I don't know why that was so hard. The owner called me and asked me if it was anything they did, and I told him the truth. I told him that the walker never showed up on time, and that I had a friend who was a professional dog walker that I wanted to use. He was irritated I hadn't told him sooner about the tardiness, and irritated that it happened in the first place. So now I'm concerned I got someone totally fired today. My friend tells me that its right to fire someone if they give you poor service, but it still makes me feel bad. I have to go get my keys from them and I'm nervous. This has been a source of anxiety for me for a few months now. At least it's over with once I pick up my keys...I just hope the walker doesn't call me and ask me why I fired him.

2. My DVR has been busted for at least a month. I keep putting off calling direct tv because I know they will make me do all this silly trouble shooting that I've already done. I caved in today because I want this ready for when new Lost and BSG episodes start up again. I was right, they made me do a ton of trouble shooting. It seems to be sort of working? I am testing the recorder today, and if it is still biffing I'll call back tomorrow.

I need to call my landlord AGAIN about the dishwasher. I'm not sure if I'm up for it after spending the morning taking care of these other things. I have to get my keys, go to Quimby's, and dye my hair. Maybe I'll have the gumption to deal with the landlord after those things.

random

The Pursuit of Happyness was pretty good. I enjoyed seeing the chase scene they filmed at my park (four houses down from me) and spotting other small things in the city. More on that later when I'm not so sleepy.

I had a random thought on the bus today about mittens. I think its really cute when two people who are both wearing mittens hold hands.

I don't own any mittens.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

1 Day of Solitude (sort of)

I went out last night, to Club Foot, with Steve, Matt, Craig, and Nate. We talked a lot about how awesome Battlestar Galactica is, and told Christmas tales. I came home around 1 a.m. and for whatever reason woke up at 6 a.m.. I couldn't fall back asleep. I even turned on the local morning news to try and knock me back out, but my brain was racing. So I decided to just get up and start my day. I reeked of Foot Smoke, which should be a trademarked brand of horrid stale smoke smell. It has permeated my flannel sheets, my coat, my nostrils. I even took an intense shower to get it off me, yet I can still smell it. I wish my friends didn't hang out there so much.

This morning I went to Toast for brunch. By myself. I've never eaten in a restaurant alone. I'm 25 (and a half!) and have never been out to eat alone. The thought of eating alone always freaked me out, but part of the New Me 2006 means trying new stuff. I had a tasty omelet and read some more Kavalier and Clay. I listened in on the conversations around me, my favorite being the cockneyed husband who pronounced tomato as tom-ah-toe and who had a child named Madison. Barf.

Now I'm free until noon when my potential new dog walker comes to meet Audrey. Then I'm going to see the Pursuit of Happyness alone. Another first! I've never been to a movie alone! Who the hell am I? I thought about seeing this movie with a friend but realized that nobody here really wants to listen to me point and exclaim "that's my dog park! that's my house! that's my neighborhood! That BART station is fake!" (it takes place in SF). So I'll go alone and say all those things to myself.

Then I'm getting dinner at some diner place called the High Dive with Nate and watching Freaks and Geeks episodes. Today should be a nice day.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Bagain Shopper Extraordinaire

For some reason my relatives all like to get me Macy's gift certificates, despite me offering a slew of other things they can get me. The Macy's gift certificate is tricky. The place is huge, so I could definitely find something there, right? However, I get overwhelmed having to spend a couple hundred bucks at one place. I feel the need to make every dollar count, and not spend it on frivolous crap like lotion (which I won't need anyway as I got another gift certificate to a Bath and Body Works. Oh Omaha malls, curses for being the only place my parents can get me gifts!).

When I walked in I was a bit worried. I did a fast scan of all the floors, and didn't see much. No shoes I liked, no bags, not a lot of sweaters...I was nervous. Would my 250 dollars go to waste? Would it be like last year when it took me months to spend my gift certificates to Macy's (I think last year I got FOUR)? Thank god I noticed that the third floor is where all that crap that I like (i.e. expensive crap) is located.

I gravitated to this grey cowlneck sweater at the BCBG section. Unlucky for me, they didn't have my size, they only had the teeny tiny and the mega mega. So I wandered a bit more and found a French Connection sweater that is seriously adorable. As in, I'd wear it every day the rest of my life if I could, adorable. And again, only the teeny tiny and the mega mega. I was bummed, my shopping spirits dampened. I sensed an inevitable repeat of last year. Yet I trudged on, as anyone who rarely has money to spend should.

I wandered around a bit more, and noticed that someone was folding those cowlnecks. As soon as the sales associate left I raced to the table and saw a few more grey ones. They had one in my size! Yay! So I went try it on, and brought one of those "I'll never ever afford but want to try it on anyway" dresses with me. The sweater fit, the dress didn't. As I left the dressing room I noticed another one of the French Connection adorable sweaters, and lo and behold! My size! It was like shopping serendipity. I went to buy them, and holy moses! Huge sale! The BCBG was originally 190 dollars, and I got it for 56! The French Connection was originally 125 and I got it for 60! What the hell!? I was so excited about my deals that I decided to go buy some of that worthless body wash from Philosophy that smells soooo good.

I also got my watch battery replaced, so I can finally tell what time it is without using my cell phone. I love that watch, so it was worth the wait for the battery replacement in Macy's basement.

Riding high on my successes, I came home and tackled the nastiness that is my stove top. I also organized all of my bills, paperwork, manuals, and whatever else has been piling up since I moved in last May. I feel much much more relaxed with that taken care of.

And now I smell a neighbor cooking carmelized onions. Yum.

Monday, December 25, 2006

How I Spent my Holidays, 2006

Christmas Eve Eve (Dec 23rd):

JP and I tried a new brunch place that is in uptown, Tweet. This place is awesome. I had a massive breakfast burrito that was super fresh, a cup of fruit, some coffee cake, and sides all for 7 dollars. It was insane, and tons of food. JP's sandwich was massive. We then wandered around uptown, as it is very rare I'm in that area. We went into this vietnamese supermarket and looked around. I considered buying some bun/vermicelli but knew I'd never actually cook it.

When I got home I took Audrey out. As we re-entered the apartment my nosy neighbor's husband/boyfriend/partner/roommate let out their two big dogs OFF LEASH. The two dogs immediately attacked Audrey in our cramped hallway. Audrey was terrified, and when it was all over she was covered in dog drool. I checked her all over, and found no blood. Audrey was really shaken up, and I had a minor fight with my neighbors over it. Bah Humbug to them.

So I spent the rest of the day cuddling Audrey to make her feel better, and watching Herzog's Heart of Glass which I really did not like. I think I liked a few scenes, the ending in particular, but I had a ton of difficulty deciphering the film and staying awake during it. I understand that Herzog had the actors hypnotized for their scenes, so they'd act more insane. That is interesting, but doesn't make up for the rest of the film. I'm disappointed.

Christmas Eve:

I slept a lot this day. Woke up to my mom calling me to say Merry Christmas and tell me about her husband's gout. Ew. I made sausage and blueberry muffins, 2/3rds of my family's regular "special" breakfast. Then I napped until I met up with JP and the Fasts to play scrabble. I left them to go to midnight mass. Yup, I decided to go to St Hedwig's for midnight mass. I got there at 11:30 for the choir performance, which included an orchestra. The mass itself was 90 minutes. Ugh, long. I forgot most of the procedure, the sitting down, standing up, kneeling, praying at the right times, the call and response. I didn't have any religious revelations either - still a nonbeliever. However the church was gorgeous, and it was nice to be in a quiet place. The priest was much more livelier than my priests as a child. One really cool part was that when you came in and sat down, the church was nearly pitch black. Only some candles were lit. Then as the priest and the other people walked in with the cross and bible and went to the alter, they slowly turned on all the lights in the house. It was really intense and beautiful to see this historic church in full light.

Christmas Day:

I woke up and called my mom, so that I could open my gifts over the phone. Talked to my brothers for a minute, and also called my dad and his wife. Then I was alone. I made an egg/cheddar/monterey jack/sausage scramble for breakfast. I tried to make an omelet but failed miserably, hence the scramble. I've spent the rest of Christmas Day smiling at all the text messages people sent me wishing me a good day, and watching Battlestar Galactica.

Yeah, no family interaction, minimal friend interaction. First Christmas single in four years, so it seems fitting I'm here all alone right now. It doesn't upset me much, and tomorrow people will return, and my life will resume its normal fast pace.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Truth

From this week's post secret:



I should hand it out every time someone looks at me like it's sad that I'm not going home. It's not sad, it rules.

sing into my mouth

I've spent the past hour or so watching videos of my all time favorite song ever on you tube.

From Stop Making Sense:


Music Videos:




Uh...marching band does Talking Heads (amazing):

What? Me at Mass?

I live next door to an incredible church, Saint Hedwig's (pictured below). I've wanted to go inside it since I moved here, but I see no point considering I am not religious. However, lately I've really wanted to attend a midnight mass. Not so I can worship, but so I can just partake in the spectacle. I want to hear the choir, the organs, see the room full, see the beauty of the church. Midnight mass has always held good memories for me. I used to go with my family to our church as a child, then when my parents got divorced my dad would take us to his childhood church. I cannot remember a time when I believed in God, so I'm not sure why I liked going to midnight mass. I figure it must be because of the ceremony, the choir, etc.



St. Hedwig's has a midnight mass, preceded by an 11:30 pm Christmas Carol singing. Another church, Mount Carmel, has original E.M. Skinner organs in it. I think it would be awesome to hear those at midnight, as one of my prerequisites for me attending midnight mass is that the place will have a big fancy choir. The drawback to Mount Carmel is that it is far away from me, and traveling around alone at midnight does not sound appealing.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Why didn't I see this sooner?




Best movie of 2005. Me, You, and Everyone We know. Holy molasses it was so good. I just want to take home this little boy and shmush his cheeks all day.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

So uh..what happened with my novel?

I know. The question you are all dying to know the answer to. I started NaNoWriMo with the best of intentions, and failed. Not miserably - I got about halfway to the 50,000. A combination of a few factors can be used as my excuse for being a failure:

1. I was out of town for a week
2. I lost my writing buddy
3. I was getting really down on my story, and not sure where to take the plot

I know, excuses are stupid. But I have them, and I used them. Then for most of December I was afraid to look at what I wrote. I had read some good books, and read other friend's writing, and just got really discouraged at my ability. But that isn't the right way to operate. Last night I was telling my polish mafia grandpa stories, and realized it's all in there somewhere - I just have to figure out how to get it out.

So tonight I re-read the 20-some pages I wrote in November. And I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. In fact, I actually liked a large chunk of it. I also found it funny how much of it was so autobiographical. Down to using proper addresses of certain "characters", and almost verbatim dialog from real-life conversations. This means nobody may ever get to read it?

Instead of writing more, I edited what I had a bit. I feel prepped to have at it again, and have a better idea of where the story is going. Hopefully in a few days I can pick it up and get moving again.

What a difference a day makes

Not one to talk about work on the blog, but yesterday I got denied for a $30,000 grant I wrote. That was a bummer. I've been fortunate (or just smart) and have had few failures in my career, so it sort of stung. To cheer myself up a bit, I met up with Nate at the Rainbo to talk books and BSG. It's like our own nerdy book club. I ended up staying out until bar time. It hurt to wake up this morning, but I knew work would be a breeze today because of the following:

1. At noon my department (all four of us) are going to lunch
2. Then the four of us are going to see Stranger than Fiction together
3. Then the four of us will join the rest of our staff for a holiday dinner that I had to organize.

After that I only have 2 days left before my week off. I'm borrowing The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay from Nate, so maybe I'll start that next week. I keep hearing about how the first 150 pages are miserable, but if you stick with it you'll love it.

Also I found a new dog walking company thanks to my bulletin post on myspace and the WWB. They are cheaper, and a friend works for them! I need to call and set up my meeting for next week.

Life is good today.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My 2007 Calendar




From: Lime Screen on Etsy. Excuse the pixelation issues due to resizing so it fits. I have his Mechanical Bullshit screen print and love it. Yay for Calendars! This will go in my office.

Monday, December 18, 2006

A great day has arrived...

My Herzog Box Set arrived in the mail today. WHICH WILL I WATCH FIRST? WHO WILL JOIN ME? Even Dwarves Started Small just ain't the same all by your lonesome, and Fata Morgana will put you asleep without someone around to shake you out of your stare-coma.

Four days left of work, one of them is basically a giant food fest off-site, and then ten days off. I have goals for those ten days off - to write 1,000 words a day (totally doable), to read a few books, to watch my Herzog DVDs, to relax, to cuddle to the extreme with Audrey, to organize all my bills and random papers, to do gross winter cleaning like washing the baseboards.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Godard's "Masculin Feminin"

I watched Jean-Luc Godard's Masculin Feminin tonight, motivated in large part by a discussion I recently had with a friend about Godard's intense sexism. My friend said that Godard films have the pretext of being about socialism but are really just giant piles of sexism. I'd add to that pile a load of masturbatory, self-celebratory over-indulgence. Granted, the only other Godard film I've seen is Alphaville, which made me want to rip my limbs out by the time it was over. I have Breathless and Tout va Bien in my netflix queue still, and I'll probably watch them so at least what I have to say below is more founded in a global perception of his work, and not based off two films.

My impressions of Masculin Feminin were mixed. In some ways I enjoyed the overall film and its staging, etc. The plot and dialogue however were difficult. I understand Godard took the film's idea from a Guy de Maupassant story, so I'm not sure how much of the ideas are his. However, based off this discussion with a friend who is far more versed in Godard than I, I fear the worst for Godard.

Before getting to the discussion of sex, I was really irritated in his blips of quotes on the screen, especially the following: "philosopher and filmmaker share a way of being, an outlook on life that embodies a generation." Pretty lofty of Godard to compare himself to philosophers, eh? And it carries on, with quotes about communism like, "human labor resurrects things from the dead." This aspect of the film really annoyed me.

I was mainly watching the film to pay close attention to any moments of sexism, so I can discuss this with my friend later. I read some reviews after watching it, that gloss over the sexism by adding more sexism such as, "Masculin/Feminin is a fitting title for a Godard film, as many of his movies balance expressions of sexist machismo with sensitivity toward femininity." (source: Kenny Herzog, Long Island Press) The concept of sensitivity toward femininity is irritating, perpetuating the idea that women need to be coddled, that one must pay special attention to feminine traits because those traits are weaker, that feminism and female are one. That masculinity is inherently sexist, that men are inherently masculine, that only men can be macho. Sexism on both sides, not just anti-woman. Furthering of male/female masculine/feminine dichotomies that I don't believe exist.

Anyway, onto the notes I took. Much of the film's scenes are documentary style, where the camera is focused on one person. In these scenes, the person is almost always one of the female characters. If the male is focused on, it is for 30 seconds at most, while the women can be focused on for over five minutes at a time. The opening scene at the coffee shop is this way, where the viewer is forced to perform the male gaze by staring at the main character, Madeleine. You have no choice but to stare at her, nowhere else to look except to close your eyes. Godard then shows Paul for less than half a minute. Further, the females in the film are constantly applying make-up or looking in the mirror while men watch them. Paul and his fellow mildly-revolutionary friend purposely take turns "accidentally" feeling up a woman at a coffee shop and laughing it off. This is just like in Maraini's Woman at War, where the wife is stuck at all these communist cell meetings cooking and getting molested by the men. The women are completely marginalized in the movement (and still are in many activist activities today although the men in these groups will deny it).

The blase attitude towards sex in the film is disturbing. Most notably, when Catherine, Paul, Madeleine, and Elisabeth go to the cinema and watch a forced blow-job. One can surmise based on the clips you see of the film they are watching that the film is one giant rape-fest between this man and his girlfriend/wife/captive. He then shoves her head onto his dick, she sits up upset, and the four friends at the cinema get bored, disappointed, and leave.

In another scene, Paul gets mad at a hooker who demands 150 francs for a feel of her breasts. He only has 100 and she tells him he can look but not touch for 100. Angry, Paul yells at her and leaves. Both Paul and his friend nonchalantly discuss their use of hookers. Nearly every background conversation in the coffee shop (which is always brought to the foreground) has pornography or sex as the main content and Madeleine continuously plays the oblivious witness to it all. You want to shake her, get her to realize the disgusting things being uttered around her. Yet I believe Godard wants to portray her as an idiotic ignorant woman, just like when all the females in the film talk about how they love America and hate politics and don't know any wars are going on (none of the women are part of Paul's communist cell, at most one is half-way called a sympathizer).

The most obvious point of sexism occurs in the following exchange between Paul and Madeleine:
Paul: “Ever realize in masculine that there is mask and ass?”
Madeleine:“And in feminine? Nothing”
Paul: “Nothing”

Giving Godard some credit, this exchange is very transparent and clearly the main theme of the film. In fact, I'm surprised at how blatant he was here, considering Alphaville was a total mess.

So is Godard sexist, or is he merely making a film with sexism as the main plot? Are the people who watch and enjoy and idolize Godard sexist, or do they see the films as a higher social commentary and not as Godard as pig? Is it wrong to watch a film that perpetuates nonchalant attitudes towards rape, women, and sexism? Is it wrong to like that film and recommend it to others? Does enjoying that film mean you tacitly agree with what is portrayed and conveyed? Would I have viewed this film differently if a female filmmaker made it, such as Catherine Breillat? These are questions I'm left with tonight, that I'm not sure I'll ever have an answer for.

Personal Year in Review: 2006

I think the following Murakami quote provided the inspiration and impetus of all my changes in 2006:
Time weighs down on you like an old, ambiguous dream. You keep on moving, trying to slip through it. But even if you go to the ends of the earth, you won't be able to escape it. Still, you have to go there - to the edge of the world. There's something you can't do unless you get there.


My Year in Review 2005 concluded with this statement:
I don't know what is in store for 2006, other than that I am happy with where I am. I don't feel the need to move or find a new job or improve on anything. I'm content. I bet not too many near 25 year olds can say that about themselves. So I'm proud of myself.


I can't believe I was able to write that, then read a book two months later and have everything change. However, even when I wrote that I knew I wasn't being completely truthful. I was already seeing a counselor once a week and back on fluoxetine by this point, so clearly my life was not all daisies. (Sidenote: Seeing all the cover-ups on my blog from 2005 is one of the big motivators for me to be disgustingly open on my blog this year. I'm sick of pretending.)

I read Kafka on the Shore, the book the above quote comes from, in Feb/March of 2006. I believe I read that quote nearly a thousand times. It was like a shot in the gut. I felt like I hadn't been to the edge of the world yet, and as a result something was missing in my life. I had been living a stagnant life for a few years, not pushing myself to do anything. I had given up. Acquiesced. I knew something had to change but I wasn't willing to make the necessary leaps. My life in San Francisco was mostly easy: I had a great apartment, a boyfriend, a dog, a good job, a routine. It's very easy to get into that pattern and not take the difficult steps to push yourself to be better. This quote continued to eat away at me, which lead to me visiting Chicago in early April.

I took a weekend trip to Chicago, and told everyone it was a test. A test to see if I wanted to move there, but I already knew that it was a done deal. I didn't really need the vacation, although taking the trip and saying that it was a test made it much easier to explain to the rest of the world. As it was, I felt people thought I was insane enough to drop my boyfriend (whom my family repeatedly told me was the best I would be able to get), leave the city I had wanted to live in forever, and move to a city I never wanted to live in. At some point my priorities had drastically changed. I realized that the city I live in isn't as important as the company I keep. And I missed my Chicago friends. My relationship was a farce at this point, looked great on paper and great to the outside world but I was miserable. I had sacrificed too much of myself and didn't get enough in return. I had lost my sense of self, and knew that being near some of the most incredible people I've ever known would help me more than simply moving out of my shared apartment and living alone and single still in San Francisco.

So I ended my relationship. Dating someone for 3.5 years may not sound like a long time to some people, but it was massive to me. We lived together for three of those years. We shared experiences few of my friends have shared, such as moving across the country alone and unemployed, the robbery, the dog, the transition from college to career. It was terrifying to leave the person who's known me best, who has been there for every up and down for almost four years. And it doesn't matter if other people think it's silly that the relationship had such an impact on me. All that matters is how I feel about the experience, and it was a very intense time in my life that I will never forget, that has forever shaped my future. And I walked away from it to start all over, like so many people do but so few of my friends have done. I felt extremely isolated.

Moving to Chicago has been magical for me. I forced myself to follow the Murakami quote - to continue to push myself, to do things I hadn't done, to reveal things nobody knew before, to be exactly who I wanted despite the consequences. And for the most part this has worked. I've become wildly in love with my friends here. They are all such amazing and supportive people, even when I can tell they really don't want to deal with me at all. I get so queer over them sometimes. I never had a close family, and never will, so I consider my best friends here my family. There's nothing I wouldn't do for some of these people and I hope they know that.

However, despite having a new-found love affair with my friends, I continued to struggle internally, and still do. I am scared that nobody will ever want to be with me again. That I have somehow done something to make myself un-dateable. I try to tell myself its just the people around me - that the single ones are all single for some obvious reasons. But then I see these women who I don't think are all that awesome, and they have guys falling all over them. I'm constantly wondering what I'm doing wrong, and why nobody would want to be with someone who has their shit together and is pretty damn awesome (bragging, I know). Every passing month that I'm single adds to my concern that I'll be alone for quite some time. I'd like to have a boyfriend sometime soon, but I want to go into it cautiously. I think I'd actually just like to know that someone on earth is interested in me. This solitude lead to many weekends where I wouldn't get out of bed unless Audrey had to be let outside. I couldn't move for days on end. My loneliness was suffocating. I still get this feeling, mostly on Sundays and at bar time when I wander home alone while all my coupled-friends get to go home together.

So 2006 was a year of strange juxtapositions. It was a year of feeling intense love for my friends and also feeling intensely alone for only having friends and no boyfriend. It was a year where my ego was stroked like mad, between getting an awesome new job and having many people fill me with many compliments, yet to be stuck feeling ugly, boring, and damaged during all the niceties. It was a year where I had to totally lose myself and everything I had to figure out who the hell I am and what I want out of life. While 2005 may have been the easiest year of my life, 2006 has been the hardest. I don't want to say worst, because it wasn't. Many amazing things happened in 2006: I made new friends, got a great job, traveled, became independent, listened to new music, saw new movies that changed my life, and so on. Conversely, I went about 11,000 dollars into debt, went into the worst depression of my life, had more awkward moments than I care to remember, and all the rest of the totally obvious reasons why this year was difficult.

I want to stay on this path of independence and discovery for 2007. It's frightening and frustrating and infuriating, but it's the only way I can get to the edge of the world.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Things I learned this week

1. Not much happens in the winter, which makes living alone even more boring. People need to come watch movies with me or something.

2. My dog is straight. She clearly likes males more than me, as evidenced by her having seen two different males in the past week (FRIENDS, you perverts) and being much nicer to them than to me. So let's see - dog..straight, yet humps her pillow for hours on end.

3. I need to drink 64 oz of water a day. Yesterday I only had a little bit of water and ended the day with a bitchin' migraine. I didn't sleep at all as a result of my head feeling like it wanted to rocket off my neck into Cylon-occupied territory. I called in sick today as a result, yet had to do some work from home.

4. Battlestar Galactica just keeps getting better. I'm half way through Season 1 and each episode is so incredible. Contemplating staying up all night to finish the season, but doubt I will.

5. I can go six days without spending a dime as long as my house has food in it.

6. My dog walker is totally getting fired soon. He is supposed to come between noon and two, and every time I've been home he never shows up until four. If he's going to come that late, I may as well save the 240 dollars and make Audrey wait another hour until I'm home. Sorry hippie Ron, but your days are numbered.

7. Licking envelopes is really annoying. I mailed my Christmas cards today, and had a lot of glue to lick.

8. I fear that the Christmas episode of the Office tonight will mirror my office holiday party tomorrow. It even starts at the same time.

9. The movie Songs from the Second Floor is weird. It has this total Jodorowsky rip-off scene, the one with the child sacrifice. As much as I dislike Jodorowsky films, it made me want to watch some of them again.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Give a dog a home



This weeks poor abandoned pup is Lacy, who is living in Wooster, OH. Lacy was found wandering the streets, and just had a growth removed from her back leg. She looks like a little cuddlewumpkins of an old dog! I will never understand people who just dump their dogs outside. Even if this dog was lost, why no signs? No calls to the shelters? Poor Lacy.

More info on Lacy here

Grinch!


Yes! Dr Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas is on television! This is a close second to my favorite Christmas cartoon - Merry Christmas Charlie Brown! I grew up anxiously anticipating their showtimes on television every holiday season. We had a special dinner the night they aired, and extra treats. It is one of the few really positive family bonding memories I have. And to get to watch it in my apartment, with my big new tv, and my lovely dog, and my mini Christmas tree...makes me very happy.

Of course that happiness could simply be endorphins from running for the first time in five weeks. Shameful I know, but I haven't ran in over a month. I went to the gym after work and did much better than I expected. I love running, but I hate the feeling all day of "man I gotta go to the gym" and I hate the trudging across campus to the gym, the coming home late. Boo. I just have to remember how good it feels to run.

Tonight I plan on working on my Christmas cards, reading, eating the burrito I'm making, and relaxing. I'm such a goof about Christmas. Probably the most excited Atheist on earth for Christmas.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Love my dog, Don't love Mondays

Because you can never get too much Audrey with her beagle buddies:



Not much to report. The landlord claims to be coming tomorrow to deal with the rats and with writing down the dishwasher brand so they can get a new one. We'll see what happens.

Pretty bored tonight. Read more of Everything is Illuminated, napped, listened to Amon Tobin, wished I had someone to watch movies with. Someday. I have zero plans until Saturday so I better figure something out. I also have no money until then. Guess I could actually write. Tomorrow my coworker and I are running after work, its been way too long since we've gone and my binging in San Francisco was pretty bad. It'll feel good to stretch my muscles.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Vermin, Landlords, Weekend

I've been fighting with my landlords since September, trying to get them to replace or fix my busted dishwasher. I rented the apartment because it had a dishwasher, which is one of my requirements for an apartment. So to not have one is really frustrating. They are now saying they may just take it out and not fix or replace it and won't lower the rent if this happens. So now I have to dig up my lease, contact the tenant's rights resource place and start fighting. I've beaten a landlord in small claims court once, I can do it again. All over my right to not have to wash my dishes.

Then last night Audrey kept freaking out and I didn't understand it. Well now I do: mice or rats chewed through the wood around the kitchen sink pipes and ate her dog food that was stored under there. I think its rats because Chicago has lots of them, and because the food bag has some major tears done only by claws not by teeth. So I'm totally disgusted. I had to email my maintenance lady (the don't allow phone calls!) and tell them they need to patch up the chewed through wood. I'm sure they'll come running, considering I threated them friday. Ugh. When do I get to own?

What else...oh I have 2 dollars in my checking/savings until Friday, and another check will for sure be going through. So I'll be withdrawing money from my credit card, which means the interest for that cash advance will be AWESOME. Money? F U.

At least I had a fun weekend? Friday Craig, JP, Nick and I watched Battlestar. They didn't like the episode, and I did. Then we went to the Beachwood where a ton of people were. Lots of chatting was done.

Saturday Nick came over for brunch and to help me take my Christmas photo of me and Audrey (if you want one, email me your address!) and to bring me his much larger tv! So now I have a big tv to watch movies on. It's like 35 inches. Massive. Maybe 27? Either way its way better than that 13 inch crapper I've been using.

Saturday night my friend Nate came over and we watched Freaks and Geeks Disc 2. Nate became the first person other than myself to witness Audrey ferociously humping her pillow. Then my old roommate Matty called and we met up with Nick and JP at the Hungry Brain. Good conversation. I love seeing Matty! He's so beardy now its scary! So much beard!

Today I plan to watch movies on my big tv, sit in my pajamas, and read more of Everything is Illuminated.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

It's that time again (part 2)

It's that time again where I marvel at the Omaha-tourists. I was cruisin' my friends' myspace pages, which lead to looking at people who were on lots of my friends top 12 lists but whom I didn't know, and found some blog about driving from Chicago to Omaha to see Cursive in their native land. I can't be the only Omaha native who finds this hilarious! Then to read the comments from their friends who had done the same thing, and who all thought Omaha was awesome! The whole indie-rock tourism boon for Omaha is really interesting to me. Funny how they all have to go to the bars sung in the lyrics of the Saddle Creek songs. I guess living there for 18 years makes it less than spectacular to me, and those bands don't hold that sort of magic in my mind because I grew up with it. Same could be said for people who grew up in Chapel Hill maybe? Same deal with that town.

Still trying to decide if I should watch more BSG tonight...

I love BSG, and I cannot hide it any longer

Ok, so Battlestar Galactica may be stuck with the dorkiest name since SeaQuest: DSV, but it is an awesome show. I just got into it this season (season 3), almost on accident. My friend Nick was having people over for the premiere, and I attended. This turned into a weekly event, where every Friday some of us watch BSG together. It's the highlight of my week - best friends, high alcohol wine, unwinding on a Friday, and quality television with the assistance of a DVR to get us through commercials. In my opinion, that combination cannot be beat.

After the first two episodes I was hooked, and added the first two seasons to my netflix queue. Little did I know that everyone and their step-sisters did the same thing. Therefore, Season 1 Disc 1 has been at "very long wait" for nearly two months. I don't want to skip this disc, as it has some of the best (so I've heard) episodes of the series. So I waited. And waited. And waited. I'd mail back a DVD and do an atheist-prayer that the next disc sent to me was BSG. It never was. And now it never will be.

Today I spent four hours watching that disc online in a semi-legal fashion. And the episodes were incredible. Bastille Day, with the prison-ship riot, was my favorite. I am tempted to watch all the episodes online, but the quality isn't very good. Thankfully none of the other BSG discs have waits on netflix so I can get going on the rest of the first two seasons. I foresee a shut-in during my winter break, where all I do is watch Battlestar.

And tomorrow I get to do my Friday ritual again, and again it is the one thing getting me through the week.

I believe this may be the dorkiest post I have ever written, and perhaps the longest "I LOVE BSG" blog in the history of the internet.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Handwriting, Art, Classism, Love, Confusion

I may not be able to form a coherent thought, but I can type my handwritten notes from my last day in SF, and my plane ride back to Chicago.

6:40, 22 Fillmore Bus: Want to be the strongest female I can, even though it hurts, is hard, and is very lonely and alienating. But at least I have my integrity this way.

4:00: OAK Airport: My contempt and disgust of the rich continues to grow - I don't so much mind the self-made-money person - they worked hard to have what they have - it's the ones who receive family money, or the husbands/wives of successful people that make me want to gouge eyes out of heads. I'm not sure I can ever be close to an inherited-rich person again. They don't understand me, and deep down their values are no different than...I loathe the inherited rich with a passion that is very foreign and terrifying to me. They would argue I'm jealous or envious, and I won't deny it. It hurts to watch them not have to work, while I toil, only to see them be absolute hedonists. Art = Hedonism. I'm increasingly unable to appreciate or accept any artist who doesn't also have a day/night job.

9:00: Airplane over ??: I'm terrified of getting in a relationship and losing my rediscovered feminist values. I'm sick of watching men fall for the frail girl in distress, and calling the strong woman "difficult" or worse...It's a tall order to fill, I find myself worrying I'll never find this person. Thought X could be it but he turned out all wrong. Will take me some time to get over that pain of not only rejection but also poorly selecting/poorly judging. My cautiousness may become paralyzing paranoia in the future
.

It's funny that I was writing about art and my contempt for it, only to have a conversation not even 48 hours later about how the only people who can realize their full potential as artists are the wealthy. Those who have funding from somewhere, who don't have to worry about how they will make rent or eat. JP brought up the good point of "Why is it that an untrained artist (one who doesn't have any formal training) is considered a folk or outsider artist? Whereas someone doing "similar" art (bad choice of words, but it's the only one I can think of right now), who went to school at, like, The Art Institute of Chicago, would be considered high(er) art?"

I've been stuck on that question for days now, hence my inability to write. I've been reading articles about it, trying to do some research to make a better post than this mildly-reactionary and classist post. In the end, it's not only art that is like this - the entire world is like this. Geniuses can be undiscovered because they didn't have access to college, or even K-12 school, while schmucks like George W. end up President. I never thought I would have so much class-related anger in my life.

I grew up just ok. Not poor, not rich. My parents suffered from the working/middle class dysfunction of wanting to look like we had more than we really did. Credit card debt was massive in our family, and I've inherited the same problem of spending more than I can afford. Both my parents had full time jobs, my brothers and I all worked since the day we got our Learners Permits to drive, and haven't stopped working. I had to pay my way through college and my MLS, and now have nearly 50,000 dollars in student loans. So many of my friends do not have this type of debt, and it is very hard for me to explain to them the crushing weight of debt like that on a person's life. Most of my friends parent's helped pay their way through college, or fully-financed it. These friends of mine are now purchasing homes, taking vacations, buying cars. These friends were able to study abroad. All things I cannot or could not do, and am not sure when I will be able to. And I'm the first to admit it's hard to be around people that don't have these struggles, and that I'm jealous I haven't had the same opportunities. I can also acknowledge that I am still better off than the vast majority of humans on the planet. The fact that I have two college degrees, a full time job with health care, and a roof over my head puts me ahead of even most Americans. Yet I still am barely keeping my head above water - all symptoms of the middle class. It's a very conflicting place to live in.

And then I hear about people who are fucking the system so they can get social security so they don't have to work because "the government doesn't fund arts." Or people who haven't worked in nearly two years so they could pursue their avant garde artistry, and who's family fortune has sustained them. And I get pissed off. Pissed off that I don't have the family fortune, that I have the ethics to not force the working class, who are disproportionately taxed, to pay out on my falsified social security check. Pissed off that I will always wonder what I could have done with my life if job security and money wasn't the number one factor in every decision I've made since early High School. Angry that I succumb to the commercialism of America, that tells me I need this cable modem and those stupid jeans I bought last week on credit cards that are nearly maxed out. All these thoughts are jumbled in my head, and I don't know how to synthesize them, how to make sense of any of it. Hence my inability to create a well-done argument or post about any of it.

I think the middle class will always identify with the poor and working classes, yet constantly wish they were of the upper classes. That is, as long as there remains a middle class in America - it's pretty much wiped out at this point.

I'd really like to know what others think of art and privilege, hear other people's experiences, especially hear from the upper class about difficulties they have encountered.

Aww yeah!

Mom just informed me she got me the Herzog box set I wanted - not the Herzog/Kinski set, but the one with Even Dwarves Started Small, Stroszek, Woyzeck, Fata Morgana, Little Dieter Needs to Fly, The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser, Heart of Glass, and Lessons of Darkness. Seriously, I want to die of excitement right now. Exclamation points are not enough!

Bah Winter

Today is one of those days were I'm not sure why people actively choose to live in snowy climates. I know the same could be said about people who actively choose to live on a fault line, where they can be swallowed into the earth with no notice, and meet the moles that live at the center of the earth (remember that Muppet Babies episode?). But this weather makes it very difficult to get out of my flannel sheets in the morning. Audrey is in constant shiver mode, and I'm sure my gas bill will be awesome. People seem to be starting to enter their winter hibernation, myself included. I'm not interested in leaving the house unless its for something important.

Something important like going to Target tonight to buy a tiny Xmas tree! I'm not going anywhere for the holidays, so I need to inject my dumpy apartment with some serious holiday cheer.

I'm still totally spaced-out. I'm having difficult forming coherent thoughts or sentences about the things I really want to write about. And when I get home and have the time to think, I blank out in front of the television of a DVD. It'll all come out with time.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Burden of Dreams


I shouldn't make movies anymore, I should go to a lunatic asylum!

I watched Burden of Dreams tonight. The movie is a documentary by Les Blank about Herzog's filming of Fitzcarraldo. Some of my favorite facts I learned were the following:

1. Herzog had to hire prostitutes to keep the natives happy - the Catholic Missionaries told them if they didn't hire the prostitutes, the men would go into the villages and rape instead. The missionaries said that is just how it is, and Herzog noticed this and accepted it. They interviewed one of the prostitutes and she said she definitely did this out of necessity, not out of choice.

2. This film portrayed Kinski in a much better light than My Best Fiend. Kinski appeared to be the rational one throughout the filming - talking about how he was bored out of his mind because Herzog made them sit on sight until he felt like the timing to film was perfect. Kinski discussed how he is there on contract, it is his job, but it still makes him miserable to be there. However, the jungle was wonderful says Kinski.

3. There were three boats used to film the movie. I guess that makes sense, and I feel sort of dumb for not thinking that before. I want to watch Fitzcarraldo again to see if I can see the difference in the boats.

I think I underestimated Fitzcarraldo upon my first viewing last month. I need to see it again now that I've seen both My Best Fiend and Burden of Dreams. I also need to see Aguirre, Wrath of God again to compare the two. Good thing I have a 10 day vacation coming up for Christmas at work.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Give a dog a home

Each week I go through petfinder.com to search for unwanted dogs in Chicago. It breaks my heart to see so many dogs nobody wants, and to read the reasons they have been abandoned (too old, not cute anymore, owner died). So each week I'll post a link to a pup that needs help.

This week's roo-roo is Kinski. Yes, like Klaus Kinski, actor extraordinaire. I've seen this dog on petfinder for at least a month, which just makes my cold little heart melt. Kinski is an older dog, which makes her less desirable in the adoption world sadly. Kinski also looks a lot like my rescued mutt Audrey. If I knew my living situation in a few months I'd probably call and arrange a visit with her. But for now I need to stick with an only dog-child.

Info on Kinski

Meet Kinski:

Another stupid blog!

I have this major post stuck in my head about art, privilege, classism, yet I can't muster up the energy to write it. Instead I goof around making a Vox blog. I justify the creation of this blog by saying it will be for the stupid Meme's and surveys and Question of the Day's etc that I do when I'm bored. That means they won't be on here, crowding a space I'm trying to take more seriously and use as a way to better myself and my writing. So if you get bored, check it out - I've linked it on the right side. If you have a Vox account, let me know, I'll make you a friend/family on it.

Sing it Sister!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Audrey's First Snow Day

Today was the first time Audrey has seen snow. I opened the front door, she looked down, looked up at me, and ran back down the stairs! I had to drag her outside. She didn't like how her feet fell into the snow, and refused to do her "business". I sat outside with her for half an hour, begging her to crap. Here is a picture of her first seconds outdoors, and her tiny paw prints. Let's hope she was better when the dogwalker came.