Running Upate - Week 2

It's week two of my 10 week trainer supervised running. A typical week is: 3 runs, 2 cross training days (where I do pilates), and 2 rest days. Last week I missed one of the pilates days, but did all the running. I was pretty mad about skipping that pilates day. This week I've so far done everything. There are 9 weeks until the 5K or 10K (haven't decided which I plan on doing).

Today I wake up and its pouring rain, so I resign myself to having to run in the evening. Problem is, its raining all night. At 7:30 I peak out the window and it appears to have stopped raining. I put on my running stuff, strap on the AMAZING loan from JP (an ipod shuffle with some SERIOUSLY hot jams), and head outside. Of course, by that time it has started raining again. I said, screw it, I'm all ready to go I may as well do it. Plus I knew I'd beat myself up the rest of the night and all tomorrow if I skipped.

I don't know if it was the cooler temps, the phat jams, or my mental state but I had a great damn run. My stride was really good, and my speed seemed to have lightning bolted since my run on Sunday. Maybe the music kept me going? Even my form was better. It felt great to feel and experience an improvement. And as dorky as it is, whenever I started to feel tired or slow up a bit, I forced myself to get all hypothetical and pretend I was running from all this bullshit I've been dealing with. Corny, but it really worked. Plus running in the rain was great - there weren't any slow walkers with dogs or anything else to get in my way. Just some wet socks. I felt like I was in another world. The only drawback to running in the rain at dusk is that I could hardly see due to bad night vision and also not wearing glasses.

It was the best I've felt in weeks, and I feel great now. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be sore.

Pity and Perspective: CA Gets a Grip

I got the dreaded call today. The bank informed me I officially bounced my first check. A frantic phone call to the dog walkers (where the check bounced), and I found out they will only charge me 8 dollars. So life isn't ruined, I wasn't fired from the dog walker. However, this meant I began my work day crying. Not fun. And I'm worried about any other bills that are going to go through before pay day on Thursday. So I was feeling pretty sorry for myself until about 4. At 4, I decided to brave my online checking account statement and itemize my expenses. Last month I was WAY overbudget on going out and groceries. If I hadn't been such a putz, none of this would be happening. Here I am, blaming my dog expenses and thinking I need to give her away, and really its all my fault. So basically I got some perspective. Its just a bounced check and some stupid fees, and I have nobody to blame but myself.

And today, a cold and dreary day, all I wanted was to come home and cuddle with my dog. I get home, and theres a letter addressed to me and Audrey, from Jake. Inside were some photos of me and my cousin Kristin as a child, a Werner Herzog ticket stub from the castro, my library cards from Omaha and Madison, and some greenie coupons we had on the fridge. Some of dozens of memories I forgot in my packing craze when I left. And I absolutely broke down. I totally lost it, and let myself lose it. Picked myself up off the floor after awhile, made some fajitas, and have begun the cuddling-dog phase of the evening.


And then I watched some special about Hurricane Katrina on the television. They showed images of people at the convention center, and I had forgotten that I was there. For three days I wandered that convention center, going to library panels and discussions, and after the first day inside it I almost totally forgot what horrors those walls bore. Even last June, ten months after the hurricane, half the center was still closed. I can't begin to imagine what that half looked like. What they were still finding in it. Seeing the image of the center on the television was striking. Here I am, whining about bouncing a check, when over 170 people died in the convention center because our government is a piece of shsit. A quarter of a million people are homeless as a result of the hurricane, and I sit on my laptop with a cable modem in a warm apartment. I need to get a goddamn grip. So tonight, I obtained some perspective. My life isn't all that bad, and wallowing in self-pity is pretty silly.

Weekend Update

I did all my running last week, so that makes me proud. And sore. I didn't do so well on the eating front though, but hopefully the running balanced it out. Tomorrow is a pilates day, so I'll get stretched out.

Last night I went to the Black Rock and played trivial pursuit. I ended up randomly guessing an answer to a ridiculous question. The answer: RALPHA. The question? You tell me, I'd like to see if you can figure it out. The game never ended, and we all went home. It was a relaxing evening. I'm glad Amanda called me to go out.

Today I went to JP and Nate's table at Artzilla Craftzuki at Schuba's. I hung out with them for an hour. JP ended up making some sweet cash, so I'm proud of her! Way to go JP. The weather was insanely gorgeous, so I walked to Trader Joes and took my dandy time. Listened to more of the Juan Maclean on the way there. Upon arrival I learned that the TJ's I go to here FINALLY carries the cereal I love that I used to get in SF. So I'm super excited to chew that shit. Also, they sell Charlie Bears at Trader Joes! The little beefy nuggets my dog loves so much as training treats. Trip = success. Then I walked home listening to pan sonic, and took a nap on the couch.

I haven't been all that pumped to be at work lately, I need to get excited for it. My old job involved constant communication with my students and other staff members, which made the day go faster. Here, I'm often isolated doing my own work so I get bored, and find it difficult to get the work done unless given a set deadline. Makes me wonder what area of librarianship I should be in, and perhaps I should be doing a job where I get to talk more. But at this point the only option would be administration, and I'm clearly not Dean material yet.

Its the weekends...

that make me feel like the most alone person in Chicago


I really liked this bit from Love in the Time of Cholera:

He was still to young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.

I should remember that quote in times like these. What time is it? Oh that time of the weekend when I'm ready to give up and either A: Move into a parent's basement or B: Beg to be taken back and return to SF.

How can a silent telephone make me so mad? Isn't solitude what I wanted?

Oh the irony

I'm listening to Hot Chip's "Bad Luck" right now. HAW HAW. Why is this funny? Because the bad luck just keeps hitting me. This month I tried to be a good girl and pay double payments on my FOUR credit card bills. What happens? I end up overdrawing my bank account, and now have no money. To make it even more exciting, I have two checks that haven't been cashed yet floating around at the dog walker's place. See what I get for paying bills? More pain.

I don't understand why bad things always come in bundles, and good things always come in bundles. I think life would be much easier if it was evenly distributed. Until then, I have to live the next week on 0 dollars, and a limited supply of groceries. Good thing I'm on a diet.

In less whiney-selfish-me news, I went jogging with Audrey this morning. That must have been a sight, as she trotted behind me the whole time. I think it looked like I was dragging her along. We were out there for half an hour, and now shes being her old delightful self. Lots of laying between my side and the couch cushins, and resting her head on my arm. I'm going to take her running with me from now on. She's gotten a bit chubby too, so this will be good. Hopefully she'll learn how to keep pace with me.

Last night I went to the Sox/Twins game, where the sox suffered a pretty heartbreaking loss, and which I blame Guillen's pitching choices towards the end. Jacob and Wendy were there with friends, so I got to see them as well. Overall an enjoyable night. I didn't spend any money that I don't have, so I owe Miller some more beers than usual next time.

And I'm always slow to music lately, but I've been super into Tom Vek and the Juan Maclean. Total dance-land. Dancey stuff is about all I can stomach lately. Makes the day a bit more enjoyable.

Things will turn around. Just sitting here waiting for the good luck train to show up. And I'm sure as a reader of this pathetic drivel, you are too.

Today is a BAD DAY

5:45 am: Alarm goes off, major disorientation ensues. wtf? its pitch black out? it can't reall by time to run is it? I check the kitchen clock, thinking I messed up my alarm clock, but no. It was 5:45. And its pouring rain. No running, which means I'm stuck doing it tonight.

6:30 am: Walk Audrey, who HATES rain and also refuses to crap in the rain. Not crapping is not an option, so I have to sit there in the rain and wait until she just can't contain it any longer. Gross.

7:15 am: Audrey starts hacking in a scary way. Is she choking? Oh yes. On litter pellets from her newly installed litter box she refuses to learn to use. Barf = everywhere.

8:00 am: Am forced to walk through gushing floods of rain to get to the train, resulting in a completely soaked right foot. Said foot and shoe are still wet, and now I'm freezing.

11:00 am - 1:00 pm: Chaotic first day of class questions at the ref desk. My patience and mental state took a beating.

1:00 pm: To make the beating worse, I'm informed by my old boss in SF that they CREATED A NEW LIBRARIAN POSITION THERE, and should he send me the description? This comes after me working on getting this to happen for over a year, and being repeatedly and consistently told NO WAY THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. So I'm totally annoyed, and this isn't helping my nagging regret of moving to Chicago.

Let's see what the rest of this shitbox day holds...

Tough time for women in the media

Between major media ignoring Ortho's decision to drastically increase prices for birth control to Middle aged white men throwing warning flares out about marrying 'career women', us ladies are having a rough time in the media.

And if I hear or read one more friend/acquaintence of mine say or write "I'm not a feminist but...[insert obviously pro-women statement here]" I may explode. Totally perpetuating the idea that the term feminism as a four letter word. Christ gals, own up to it! You love women! Ain't no shame in it!

On the upside, there were SLIGHT gains for obtaining an over the counter morning after pill. But only if you can prove you are 18..

A cure for homesickness?

I found an incredible deal on tickets to San Francisco, and bought them. I'll be there November 23-29th! I can't wait. I have so much I want to do. I'll stay with Jake, and maybe a coworker if the Jake thing goes awry. I really see it as a vacation where I'll be very independent. I haven't had a "vacation" in a long time, one that doesn't involve a work conference and is just me. I can't even explain my excitement. However, I guess it could make my homesickness worse. Its far away enough that I can't make any predictions.

I also found a gym buddy at work, an admin assistant who will start going in the winter just like me (for now we are both running outdoors). She's doing the same 5K I'm doing! We also take the red line home, so we can go after work together and walk to the station for safety. I really can't diet or exercise without a partner, so I'm glad her and I talked about it.

I also had an unfortunate incident with ketchup at a new student BBQ today. I kept squeezing the bottle and nothing came out, then SPLURT, all over my shirt and pants. Shirt? Yeah its white and brand new. Pants? Black, but they just got dry cleaned. What a waste. So I had to walk around all day like a jackass, and certainly got laughed at.

Currently Reading

I'm about 100 pages into Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Love in the Time of Cholera, and I absolutely love it. More than 100 Years of Solitude. Equal parts romance and tragedy, I find myself uncontrolably gasping or laughing or smiling or sighing or closing my eyes on the train when I read it (so not cool). Its just such a perfect book, and comes at a perfect time for me. Funny how that can happen with books, although its not like they fall in your lap. You actively choose what to read. Still...I seem to have an uncanny ability to pick the right book for the right time.

Up next on the list is my friend Jacob's book Wet: A Wild-Ass Tale of Maritime Adventure, that he wrote last year for the National Novel Writing Month in November. It's 500 pages! I also want to pick up Jonathon Safron Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredible Close sometime soon. Again, curses Chicago Public Library for making you speak to a reference librarian (why not the circ desk??) to put a hold on a book? Totally defeats half of the concept of a hold.

All this free time and train time lends nicely to my ability to finish a few books a month.

Just puttin it out there re: New Orleans

I got a forward on the Radical Reference lists regarding the state of the city of New Orleans, one year after the hurricane. Yesterday I was looking at photos and trying to find news sites that actually carried coverage of the aftermath. Specifically, I'm looking for any information regarding the gut-out-or-get-out issue thats going down this week. Apparently, residents have been told if they haven't gutted their houses by the end of the week they will be torn down. While on a logistical level, I understand the need to remove abandoned homes, but I worry that most of those homes aren't abandoned and that the displaced residents have no means or opportunity to clear their homes and rebuild, largely a result of governmental incompetency and lack of care from their fellow citizens.

So I'm sickened, and have still been unable to shake the images that I saw when I was there in June. I went to Common Ground's website yesterday to look up volunteer opportunities because I want to return and help for a longer period of time. Common Ground provides you housing and food, but you need to get your own transportation down there. That's my problem. No car, no money for a plane ticket. I want to go the week of Christmas, as thats my week off from work and the residents could really use the support over the holidays.

So Here is where you come in: Does anyone want to go that also has a car to split gas costs with me? Come on, you can't all want to hang with family! I'm not above asking for donations. Otherwise, I'll probably ask for an advance of cash from my family for a plane ticket in lieu of Christmas gifts. I can't think of a better way to spend my week off during Christmas than being in New Orleans helping. Its frustrating that I don't have the means to get there, and is inhibiting my ability to help.

And if you want to read the forward from the radref list, I've copied it here. Hopefully the authors won't mind...


Our Summer Vacation

It is a small one-story double house for two families, painted yellow, with
sets of three concrete steps leading up to the front doors on either side.
Writing covers the front of the house -- in the inverted v at the bottom of
an oversized X, the number 3. Three people lost here. Scrawled in black
paint across the front: "1 dog loose under house. Maybe more." Next door
looks the same. So do all the houses in the next block and all the houses
as far as we can see. There is no rebuilding or construction. No people, no
electricity restored -- just the ruins of a great city. Just the
breathtaking reminder of what once was. Eighty percent of New Orleans has
turned to wasteland.

It's not just the Ninth Ward that we've heard so much about. It's Gentilly.
Holy Cross. Lake Vista. East New Orleans. Old Metarie. St. Bernard Parish.
It's everywhere. It's thousands of homes and entire neighborhoods. It's
large shopping centers and small strip malls. It's Walmart and KMart and
Sears and Dillards and Motel 6. It's gas stations and hospitals and schools
and apartment complexes. It's Taco Bells and IHOPs and banks and
drugstores. It's Six Flags America, an amusement park turned ghost town.
And it all sits there eerie and empty and rotting.

Bodies were still being found last weekend. Homeowners had recently been
notified their homes would be bulldozed by the end of the week if they
didn't start clearing them out. Clothes still hang in trees where they were
swept by wind and water a year ago. Debris from the homes clogs canals and
has blown against every fence.

The legal wrangling over insurance continues. Was it wind or flood or
wind-swept water? Each company's decision on each home determines whether
or not the owner eventually gets a settlement to rebuild. Flood insurance
cost $4500 before Katrina. Few had it. Even fewer have the funds saved up
to tackle their homes on their own. And there's no help from the
government. One year later, and still no help.

"I came back in September and the bar reopened in October," the bartender
at the Old Absinthe House on Bourbon Street told us. "George Bush stood
right there in Jackson Square and said, 'We'll do whatever it takes.' Well,
guess what. Nothing happened." Chaos reigns. The judicial system hasn't
even been restored yet.

There are FEMA trailers where people don't need them and people who need
them can't get them. The trailers are tiny and certainly meant to be
temporary. Our taxi driver said his sister has one, but it's too small for
the family so he sleeps in his car each night. "Lots of people do that
here," he said.

"Where did all the Red Cross money go?" the residents are asking. No one
knows. In the meantime, they still have to make their mortgage payments on
homes that are not inhabitable. They have good words for Habitat for
Humanity and some of the church groups trying to help but it isn't enough.
The need for money and volunteers is enormous. They are enraged and rightly
so about FEMA, and the US government's priorities for where and how our tax
dollars are spent. Shirts for sale in shop windows are emblazoned with the
New Orleans fleur de lis and the words MAKE LEVEES NOT WAR.

New Orleans, a city that was predominately black before Katrina is now
predominately white. No one can come home until there is affordable housing
for them to live in. And jobs. And medical care. And grocery stores.

All of the conventions have canceled with the sole exception of the
librarians. Cheers for the brave librarians -- the folks who not only
showed up in New Orleans but also refused to turn our reading records over
to Homeland Security. The crime rate has soared, with 3-4 murders a day.
The local TV news is one Katrina story after another. The levees have not
been fixed, let alone brought up to the standards that the Army Corps of
Engineers should have used when they built them. Hurricane season is here
again. It doesn't end until November 30.

New Orleans is in crisis. The depression and grief are so deep that the
city wears it like a shroud. Start a conversation with someone who lived
through this tragedy and the Katrina stories spill out. They need you to
listen. It's not easy to do.

The French Quarter, the Garden District and the Arts/Warehouse District,
all built on higher ground, escaped the worst of the destruction. Yet they
haven't recovered either, even as the Chamber of Commerce heralds the
"Rebirth of New Orleans." In the French Quarter, trash overflows containers
and piles up in the street. The homeless and aggressive street thugs who
prey on them have replaced the artists and musicians around Jackson Square.
The favorite standby restaurants, stores and clubs are either boarded over
or reopened under new names and owners. Stripper clubs have taken over much
of Bourbon Street. The street performers and mimes around Cafe du Monde and
Jackson Square and Bourbon Street have left the city.

New Orleans, that creative, one-of-a-kind city was hit with a disaster and
then so easily forgotten. A year later, help is still not on the way. It is
an historic, cultural and musical treasure that belongs to all of us and
it's being lost.

The people we met in New Orleans thought you would want to know.

Max and Jan Keaffaber

Woyzeck and more

I've listened to nothing but Hot Chip for the past 48 hours, particularly "Boy from school." I'd say its just what the doctor ordered. I also got two loads of laundry done this evening and did my exercise according to plan. And I watched Woyzeck.

Woyzeck was great. At first I wasn't so sure about it, but by the end my jaw was on the floor. Herzog did a great job, and Kinski was incredible for the role. So scrawny compared to his body in Aguirre! I wonder if Herzog made him just eat peas for 3 months, like his character in the movie. It seems like something Herzog would do to get his actors in character. Some scenes, like the bar fight, were truly painful to watch. Others, like the murder, were oddly captivating, mostly due to the insanely perfect choice of music to compliment (and at times surpass) the visuals.

I hope I can keep up evenings like this. Embarassingly, I've been so depressed the past few weeks I've burst into tears in my office, washing dishes, walking the dog, laying in bed, you name it. I think I was in such denial over my breakup and move that I'm just now getting hit with the utter despair that I should have been feeling in April. Plus, moving to where all my friends live helped produce the delayed reaction, since I was able to stay really busy when I got here. Now I'm in full bummer mode and having trouble snapping out of it. Part of me says I shouldn't snap out of it, that I should just let my body do what it wants. If it wants to start crying in the middle of the day, it should. Half the reason I have any of the problems I have is from supressing any emotion that is left or right of center. However, this isn't exactly fun for me or the people around me, so I should fix it.

So part of fixing it means being pretty self-centered for awhile. More reading, movie watching, exercise, doggy time, picking up some sort of craft or hobby, music, only going out places I want to go and with people I want to see. I'm thinking that'll kick me out of probably the worst funk I've ever been in.

And as if my blog hadn't become one to make fun of in group emails before, it officially has now.

trash talkin'

We have a maintenance guy who removes our trash from our offices at 10 am and 1 pm every day. It makes me feel really awkward. Everyone eats lunch in their offices here, so he sees what I eat every day. Every wrapper, fork, coffee cup, he knows what is digesting inside me. I wonder if he judges what I ate, as in "mmm girl didn't need that pizza and candy bar." It helps deter me from mindlessly chewing all day, knowing that my maintenance guy is the ultimate diet judge.

Also, I thought we were recycling here. There are big blue bins, and I always make a point to walk to the bin to toss in my paper. Friday I caught the maintenance guy throwing all the paper in the blue bin into the garbage can he uses to throw away my food wrappers. Why the front? If we aren't recycling, get rid of those bins!

Trash, occupying my Monday morning thoughts since 2006.

Audrey made some friends

I took Audrey to Matt and Natalie's house to play with their cute beagles. Matt and Natalie have two beagles, Lola and Watts, and are currently fostering another beagle, Fat Stella. Audrey hasn't had a play date since late April, so I was a little nervous about how she'd react to the dogs. After a few cautious butt-sniffs, they got along very well! She got to run free in a yard which I greatly appreciated. Then indoors they all went wild chasing eachother around the living room. It was loud and doggylicious. I was amazed at Audrey's good play skills. She used to never be the submissive one in play, but she was doing very well taking turns being dominant and submissive today. I've never seen her lay on her back during play and not freak out. She even let Matt pet her belly! I was so proud of my Audrey. And it made her pretty tired too, she passed out in the car on the way home and has been pretty tame since. However, I think the apartment just stresses her out. The first floor provides too much foot traffic for her to freak out on. This is another reason I have to move - it seems as if the apartment lends itself to making audrey nuts. She's definitely tired, but still feels compelled to bark like mad at anything that passes by. This is good to know - that its not lack of exercise that is making her overly barky.

Anyway, I hope the dogs get to play again as it seemed to be a good deal for all involved.

In non-dog news, I went to my kick-off meeting for the running program and got my workout schedule. Starts tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited. I could have done a bit today but had a raging sinus headache (and hangover) that prevented any activity.

I think I'm going to cut off booze as part of the running/getting in shape thing thats going on these next 10 weeks. Alcohol has been acting as a major day-after depressant for me and that isn't helping my already depressed state. Plus it isn't helping my gut. So other than a few glasses of wine on the weekend, I'm done until the running is over. Consider this Autumn of Detox. I'd appreciate some support in the form of simply not egging me on to get drunk. My mental and physical state will thank you (and me) later.

Monday's Patio Party

Last Monday my friend Miller invited me to a White Sox Patio Party. Miller has season tickets to the White Sox games, and I often go with him. I've gotten pretty interested in the team, to the point where I'm checking scores online when I'm not at the games. This interest in sports is definitely new to me. I've always thought of sports as something people with nothing better to do partake in. As in, no hobbies or social life, probably with family, and use it as a braindead escapism tactic. However, maybe the bit about it being escapist is true, in that you forget about other stressors in your life and just enjoy the game you are watching. And does what I described not apply to my television obsession? Clearly I was holding a snobby double standard. So thats gone, and I'm into baseball.

Anyway, Miller is part of a White Sox message board that has become somewhat of a close knit group of people, who all tailgate before games and go out occasionally. They organized this Patio Party. The patio party is held at field-level in this big room that is sort of like a high school cafeteria. The food and beer and wine are all you can consume, and then we had first row above the visitors bullpen seats. For 40 dollars. Pretty awesome deal.

So we gorged on meats and beer for two hours then went up to our seats which were insanely incredible. The game was a killer, with the sox crushing the royals 12-2.

This was total classic summer action, and I had a ton of fun. I'm really appreciative that Miller would think to invite me, and hope I was a good guest.

Already met my goal!

Last night I finally got some vietnamese food here! I bribed Joe into going way up north to Uptown with me for vietnamese. I got my usual shrimp and egg roll vermicelli. About damn time! While the egg rolls in NO WAY compared to Sunflower's imperial rolls (they were more like that place at 3rd and Clement me and Patricia used to go to...Minhs?), the rest was good. I think I liked their (Cafe Nhu-Hoa, where we went) shrimp better than Sunflower's shrimp. So I met the weekly goal: ate somewhere new and got out of my neighborhood.

That cheered me up until I got home to pay bills. Yesterday was payday, which usually means I get paid and immediately transfer it to all my credit card asshat companies. I ended up freaking out all night over how broke I am. If I were smart I'd get rid of shit like cable modem, direct tv, dog walker, and I'd be saving 350 a month! But I can't get rid of those things, especially the dog walker. So my solutions are this: plasma donation or move into a place with a roommate that would cut my rent in half, therein affording me the ability to pay for dog walking and fix my bills faster. I'll take the latter option, thanks. So keep your eyes and ears open (and your mouth shut), and let me know of people in Chicago looking for rommates. I have to suck up my love for living alone for a few years to pay off this debt. I'm a good roommate! My dog, despite all I say, is a sweetheart! I'll live almost anywhere, if by anywhere I mean Wicker Park, Bucktown, Pilsen, Roscoe Village, Lakeview, Humboldt Park, Ukranian Village, West Town, Logan Square.

Homesick

Today is one of those days where I miss San Francisco so much it hurts. I wasn't expecting to miss it this much when I made the decision to move to Chicago. I'm reading the Bay Guardian's best of issue that just came out, and its making me insane with regret. I love my friends and social life in Chicago, and I have a 'real librarian job' here, but I'm just not in love (or even infatuation) with Chicago yet. Maybe I just need to get out to different places more often. I have yet to be highly impressed with a restaurant, or even been able to compare one here in quality to ones in SF. I wish my friends liked to go out to eat more, as its probably my favorite leisure activity. I miss Jake for that. I have to remind myself I totally didn't take advantage of 90 percent of the things SF had to offer, but what I did do there was special to me.

So with all this sad-sacking it, I should probably make some sort of goal to rectify the situation. First, I need to save up money for a ticket to SF for a vacation. Duh. Second, I am going to try and get to a new place in Chicago once a week, whether its a restaurant or neighborhood or whatever, I need to do it.

And Chicagoans, suggestions on stuff I should do would be much appreciated, as would offers to come with me! I'm looking for Vietnamese restaurants first and foremost, as well as Italian and Mexican, and looking for places to just wander around- good neighborhoods that have some sort of main street with food, independent stores, and coffee shops on it (think Valencia St if you've been to SF).

Go with me to these shows

I haven't seen a show of a non-friend band since I moved here. There's some good ones on the horizon. If I don't write them down I'll forget. Come with me:

Wed 9/13 Pan Sonic at the Empty Bottle (maybe)
Thru 9/14: Mastadon and Converge at the Metro (maybeee...depending on my mood)
Mon 9/25: Cursive at the Metro (most definitely)
Fri 10/27: Gang Gang Dance at the Empty Bottle(most definitely)
Fri 11/10: Hot Chip at the Metro (most definitely)

A minor bust of a weekend

My weekend didn't go exactly as planned in the previous post. Still not sure what got into me.

Friday I did indeed sit on a porch with friends for many hours. It was nice, and I polished off most of a bottle of wine that was touted as having a hint of marshmallow taste (didn't notice it). It got really cold out though, so biking home at 2 am wasn't very fun. Plus I went some dumb way for no real reason and had to bike along Clyborn, which basically sucks for biking.

Saturday I got my errands accomplished early, and sat around until Joe came over to watch Fire Walk With Me. I forgot how scary that movie is. We were mildly spooked, but I was tipsy (more wine) so that helped a bit. Then I ended up at the Long Room, and NOT Schubas as I had planned. Here is where I have minimal explanation other than I was drunk and too lazy to relocate to Schubas. However now I have some deep guilt about missing Smooth Music night.

I should also mention for those of you who care about my dog (all 1 of you), Audrey's been doing this wierd thing where when I go to put the leash on her to walk her, she squats and pees. And not just a drop, but like full pee. Joe witnessed it Saturday, it is pretty annoying. So yesterday I took to making her sit before putting the leash on so she wouldn't be in a position to go. Only had a tiny accident once. I'm really confused as to what is causing her selective incontinence. I should ask her dog walker if she does that with him, but that would involve talking to Phish Ron the Walker, and I'm still sour at him for bringing a substitute walker last Tuesday.

Anyway back to me me me. Sunday I had a severe headache, surely a cause of dehydration from Saturday and my sinuses acting up. I was supposed to see the 446, but was passed out until about 7. I managed to get off my couch to see Little Miss Sunshine, which was very funny. It wasn't necessarily an original movie or original concept, and had many cliched indie-ensemble-flick bits, but I laughed a lot. I'd watch it again.

Tonight is the Patio Party at Cellular Field. I'll be eating and drinking all I can shove into my gut in this great patio area that's level with the field. Starts at 5:30, and we'll be in there until about 7:30, at which point we move to the FIRST ROW above the visitor's bullpen to watch the game. The plan of attack is this: Drink wine, not beer, so you don't fill up so much so you have room for tons of baseball park junk food. How do I justify this given my fattened state as of late? I say "well running starts next week!" Plus, how many times will I go to something like this? Once? Twice? Gotta go all out.

Clearly haven't learned my lesson

Right after I post about how I need to not go out on a weeknight, I attend a White Sox game that ends after midnight. A 90 minute rain delay and some seriously slow innings (sox had over 100 pitches logged by the fourth inning!) continued to wreak havoc on my sleep schedule this week. I finally dropped out during the 7th inning at 11:30 to take care of my neglected dog. I was late to work again today, and consummed too much coffee (again).

But I have rebounded! I am suprisingly alert right now - it must be because I'm now in countdown to the freakin weekend mode. What's on the line-up this weekend:

Tonight: Maybe porch sitting with Ed and company. Probably will end up at a bar. Most likely will nap before both of these activities. Hopefully someone can teach me how to play dominoes tonight.

Saturday: Typical saturday sleeping in, a trip to Sephora, and reading. I want to finish Confessions of an Economic Hit Man so I can keep my 1-book-per-week track record going and move onto Love in the Time of Cholera. Thanks to the Chicago Public Library making absolutely no sense, I have yet to figure out how the hell to renew my books or put books on hold through their website. As a librarian, I should be able to find this immediately. As a big city, they should have these options readily available. Clearly, there's a disconnect.

Saturday night: STAY SMOOTH III. Last night at Camp Smoothatonka. Yes thats right, its Stv's and Bald Eagle's last AM gold/smooth music party. Break out your best cargo shorts and camo tank top and try to get to second base with your summer camp crush. This very much signifies the end of summer here, as the kiddies come back to school next week at my job. I'll also probably watch Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me with Joe before heading to Schubas. Maybe I'll pull another dumb move and hit up a 5 am bar. You only live once.

Sunday: CJ makes his first appearance with Tha 446 at some weirdo music fest here. It's going to be extra odd because it will be occuring in the middle of the day. A 446 show in the middle of the day? I'm skeptical. Afterwords I better see Little Miss Sunshine or else I will kill.

I'm not 19 anymore

I went out at 11 last night on a whim. Was invited to the Black Rock, and I had been bored all night, so I figured I'd go for about an hour then head home. I don't know why I ever think that will actually happen, as I always end up sticking it out until bar time. From ages 19-21 I did this every Tuesday night - went out around 10:30, came home at 2 intoxicated, and was up the next day for class. This happened most Thursdays as well during college. I got home at 2 and had to be up at 7 this time (instead of 6 - I gave myself an extra hour to sleep in because I knew I could be late today). Five hours didn't sound too awful, but it turns out I can't live off that anymore. I was nauseous most of the morning and felt hungover. And now I'm exhausted. I believe I've learned my lesson yet again - no more outings on a school night. At some point this lesson will stick, I'm just not sure when.

Another obvious sign that I've already known for awhile now but am constantly reminded of is that I can't eat like I used to. This is clear in the pound packing-on I've done since getting here three months ago, which will probably take another three months to rectify. Nothing like getting chunked out to brighten your day and put a spring in your step. So I'm back on the boring sensible eating (and soon drinking) plan. I also found a running group that I am joining, that starts August 20th. For 100 bucks I'll be set up with other crappy runners like me to train with a trainer, and have a schedule for daily jogs for the next 10 weeks. At the end we'll participate in a 5k or 10k depending on your amount of improvement. This should kick my metabolism back up a bit and allow me to be an idiot about food once in awhile as well.

Its only a matter of time before the liver spots appear.

Books I've read, Books I'm reading

I finished Douglas Coupland's All Families are Psychotic. It was ok. The first half was a little slow and contrived and very...Coupland-y. The second have was more of an adventure story, and the paced picked up accordingly. In the end I was glad I stuck it out, but not sure I'd recommend it to everyone.

But what I really want to say is you MUST read John Perkins' Confessions of an Economic Hitman. I'm only a chapter or two into it, and already my brain is blown. I'm experiencing simultaneous shock and awe at every sentence. I'll throw up an excerpt about what an Economic Hitman does:

Claudine told me that there were two primary objectives of my work. [All regarding going into an undeveloped nation to do this] First, I was to justify huge international loans that would funnel money back to MAIN and other US companies (such as Bechtel, Halliburton, Stone and Webster, and Brown and Root) through massive engineering and constsruction projects. Second, I would work to bankrupt the countries that received those loans (after they had paid MAIN and the other US contractors of course) so that they would be forever beholden to their creditors, and so they would present easy targets when we needed favors, including military bases, UN votes, or access to oil and other natural resouces.

These companies, Perkins goes on to write, are 100 percent intertwined with the US government. Essentially, the US gets all these undeveloped countries completely dependent on us by fucking with their GNP, so that when we need them to say..I don't know..fight a senseless war in Iraq, they'll be forced to sign on. Its no mistake the "coalition of 200"-odd countries that are "with us" for the War on Terrorism and War on Iraq is comprised mostly of countires we did this to.

Perkins spent his career doing this to Ecuador. The statistics he provides are staggering. For every 100 dollars made in oil there, a mere 3 dollars goes back to the middle (which is now nonexistant) and working class natives of Ecuador. About 70 goes to the US and US companies, the other 27 to rich people on the US' side in Ecuador. The tales of environmental destruction, humanitarian crises, and ridiculous gaps in the distribution of wealth is incredible, and I'm only at page 30.

And people say none of this happens, none of it is true, its all a conspiracy. I'm not sure I should be allowed to read nonfiction political books anymore, they only make me hate the world even more.

Back to the bland eh?

Back to bland posts.

Friday I hung out with a friend from Omaha, then went to Ed's house for some porch sittin. It was a good evening. I spent way too much money in cabs, but no money on alcohol so I guess it sort of evened out.

Saturday was a marathon Twin Peaks watching day with Joe. We watched five episodes, then went to see The Descent with JP. I actually hate scary movies, so I was a bit nervous. I did really well considering in the past when I've watched scary movies I've had to close my eyes the entire time or just cried. And JP skipped out on Sonic Youth to go, so I had to remain strong! I did it for you Jenny! For you!!

We also stopped by the Rainbo for two quick drinks. Uneventful minus the middle aged out of place guy encroaching on our booth.

Today I laid around all day, finished a book, and started watching Rear Window before a nap consummed me. Then this evening I went down to Pilsen to Dan's house for a burrito eating party. A good group of people, good talk, good food. A nice way to end a fairly chilled out weekend.

The only disappointment was that I didn't get to see Little Miss Sunshine, and I'm dying to see it. I'll have to find someone who wants to go that didn't go this weekend.

In which CA delves into pairs and singles

Just a warning, this is a massive post but it is OH SO WORTH IT. If you've never taken my ill-advised advice before, take it now and read this. You won't regret it. I shame myself, say shit I probably shouldn't say, commit numerous blogging gaffs, and attempt to tell a joke or two.

Part 1: Causing Accidents Feels Turdy

I've been stuck in my head the past week. I blame me looking at old photos of my time in San Francisco and allowing myself to feel tinges of regret for moving here. Mostly I've been reconsidering if what I thought I should be valuing (friendship, autonomy, obtaining boyfriend who prioritizes me and a definite future with that person) is 'worth it' for the sacrifices I had to make to get those things (no boyfriend, no stability, vastly decreased level of constant support, insecurity, much uglier apartment, no helper with Audrey, the list never ends). I'm struggling to remind myself that what I did really was the best in the long run, even if I'm mildly miserable lately.

Another thought I've had running through my head the past week is about friendship and coupling. I'm starting to believe that everyone ultimately wants to pair up and pair off, and friendships are merely filler until the pairing occurs. This would explain why people disappear as a friend when they find someone to pair with. If pairing truly is the ultimate goal, and I believe many anthropologists/social scientists attempt to argue that it is, then it totally sucks for people who decide to break from that and either end a pairing or refuse to partake in one. You end up becoming what a friend and I termed the "default." The default is the person everyone hangs out with whilst single, but once the friend of the default gets someone, they drop off. A break up happens? Sweet! Default is always single, lets go back to calling her! Perhaps its not so much default as it is back-up plan, bookmark, placeholder, stall. Regardless, I've been feeling the part of Default pretty hardcore lately. It also puts the pressure on me to find a boyfriend...which brings me to my first Social Experiment.

Part 2: Causing Accidents engages in the Ultimate Social Experiment: ONLINE DATING

Yes, there I'm out of the closet. I went on a date with someone as a result of me putting an ad up on an online dating site. Laugh all you want, but I have some justifications for my shameful actions:

1. Multiple valued friends told me to. I am a follower, and will do anything they say. Not really - they simply convinced me that they know tons of people who had successfull experiences with it. Hell even I know two couples who found eachother online and are now married. And they are TOTALLY NORMAL AWESOME PEOPLE who I highly respect and am envious of.

2. My worry that I am attracted to the 'wrong' type of person for where I am in life. I tend to want to be with guys who aren't necessarily on the same path as me. Maybe they'll get on it someday, but for the most part the guys I like are sort of floating around. Highly respectable to float around, but not a good match for someone like me who already has her career path more than set in stone and knows what she wants out of life (even if she doesn't know who will be in it as role of boyfriend/husband). What do I want? A house. Less financial worry. To be the best in my career. A husband. Don't know about kids yet. But I want a pretty typical all-American life. The floaters I've been dating have no idea where they'll be tomorrow, so I can hardly expect them to plan their futures. And let's face it, although I'm certainly not old, I ain't getting any younger and more and more eligable dudes are getting married.

3. Related to 2, I decided I needed to test drive "normal" men. Unfortunately for me I don't know any guys here in my circle that are single and as stable in life as I am , or have the similar wishes as me. Second, I'm a major judgemental snob. Don't know Jodorowsky? See ya. You listen to that band? Bland! Don't have a library card? Seriously, get out of my face. And god forbid you dress, look, hang out with, or act like a dude/jock/normal guy (shut up, I can be as shallow as I want). My definition of a "normal" guy is someone with a career, not obsessed with film and music, wears boring bland generic nondescript clothing, and is in a very stable stage in their life. So how the hell do I meet this person if I only hang out with married/pratically engaged people? How will I get out of my judgemental mindset to even appear approachable to a person like this? I knew it would be impossible to do organically.

4. I haven't dated since I was 21. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever been on a date with someone I didn't know fairly well first. Never been on a very traditional date where the goal is to determine if you have romantic feelings for someone. Those infatuation aspects were already decided upon whenever I hung out with guys in the past. The curiosity of dating for the sake of dating was killing me, I had to try it. Again the problem is my judgementalness. When guys came up to me in bars I immediately blew them off as dorks. I had to force myself to approach things with an open mind.

These four factors together led me to test out online dating. I was totally mortified about doing it, but whatever. I found a site (to be unnamed) that appeared to have a good mix of your typical All-American dude and your typical Art Fag. So I put myself out there. Within a few hours I started getting lots of responses. I was rather surprised, and I must admit flattered. I am fully aware many of these are canned letters, but still. The ones that were somewhat specific to me helped me to reaffirm that I'm not some sea urchin cretin nasty bust down. Some annoying things came up too, mostly having to do with nearly every message discussing their secret fetish for librarians. Benign to them I know, but annoying to me.

One of the first messages I got from a guy was actually insanely forward. It initially totally turned me off. However a few days went by, and I was still thinking about the message. So I wrote back. He seemed normal: a teacher, a few years older than me (something I've found works really well for me), knows some people I know, stable, fairly normal but has some arty shit going on. I was really hesitant to meet, and had to continually remind myself I did this to open my mind and test out new experiences, both major reasons I moved to Chicago. So we went to dinner.

The dinner was nice. He was definitely not my type, way too clean cut for my tastes. But again! That was the point! Maybe I've been into the wrong guys my whole life, and clean cut is where its at! The conversation flowed fairly easily considering I've never met this person in my life. The whole aspect of judging your level of interest in the person was a bit distressing. It felt like an exam on both sides. Anyway, dinner was over, and I went home.

He calls a few times over the weekend. A little bit much, but I was flattered that he thought to call. To me it was sweet. So we hung out again at my apartment to watch a movie. I still wasn't totally sure how I felt, but was remaining open to getting to know this person.

After that he continued to call alot. Heres the thing: I'm not a big phone person, and I'm very very very into my friends. I'm busy! Nearly every night I have something to do. And I like that, it keeps my mind away from the earlier depressing melodramatic shit. So all I really wanted was maybe hanging out once every 10 days, with only a few emails and a call in between. To put the blame on me, I probably should have conveyed that.

Anyway, we hung out a third time and at this point I decided I wasn't all that interested. The guy is way too intense too soon for me. I realized I am not ready for that level of intensity, especially from someone I just met. I probably should have said as much, but figured I'd let things cool off naturally and hope he gets the hint as I'm slower and slower to respond via email and as I don't return calls, or return them with a simple text message.

Also at this time, and here's where I get seriously nervous typing this, I'm a bit hung up on someone. Ok, a lot hung up on someone, who isn't interested in a relationship. It stings. Something like this has never happened to me before. I am therefore starting to reconsider my desire to go on dates anyway. I mean, here I am, going on dates when I am deeply infatuated with someone else? It began to appear as if I was using these dates as a mediocre attempt at a diversion from my rejection on the other front. I also started to think that dating 'normals' for the sake of doing so was dumb. Its clearly not what I want out of a long term relationship. Who was I fooling?

Anyway, back to this online man. Today he IMs me, and what ensued was perhaps the most hilarious interaction I have ever had. I'm tempted to just paste the conversation here, but as it is I feel I've humiliated this person on here enough already. What ensued was this: He tells me he feels the relationship isn't working (the relationship? You mean those 5-7 hours total we spent together over the course of nearly three weeks?). Guy starts to get a bit pissy about how I'm obviously not ready to be in a relationship, and therefore what is the point of dating. I acknowledge this as very true, and tell him I just realized that a few days ago (also true). I open up just enough to say I only recently realized that I had feelings for a friend, and that its causing me some difficulty. And I apologize. But you know? Shit happens, I'm a human, and sometimes it takes me awhile to figure out what I'm really thinking. Anyway, I should have just ended it (whatever the hell 'it' is) earlier instead of opting for the pussy way out and letting it die organically. This is where such a discussion should end. But no, not for this guy. He decides to continue on about how he's through with dating. Not just through with dating, but he is "totally done with dating hipsters"! Here is where I start laughing in my office. Oh lord, yes, its all because I'm a 'hipster' that I'm a shithead. And I would argue I'm not one (a hipster or a shithead), but I digress. So he carries on this way for a few more minutes, about how I suck and how he really thought things could have gone places between us, and I say sorry very profusely to attempt to show I feel bad. But guess what? I don't feel bad. Its all an IM act. I wasn't interested in this person, and now hes acting like an ass, and what is worse is that I think the entire situation is hilarious. I'm getting visions of that Sex and the City episode about getting dumped on a post-it note, where the situation is so ridiculous its just funny. So after a few more minutes of this idiocy, he pulls the best line ever, even better than "i'm never dating a hipster again."

"Have fun with your incestous little circle!" Thanks buddy, I plan on it! You aren't invited to our MASSIVE DAISY CHAIN party Friday, sorry! Clearly meant as a massive dig related to me being interested in someone in my 'little circle'. Didn't hurt me one bit, only made me laugh harder. Poor guy. God I was in stitches at this point. Here this guy thinks he is being incredibly hurtful to me, and its really histerical. His intentions led to the totally opposite reaction from me. At this point I just sign off because it is so stupid.

And delete my profile from the dating site.

Experiment. Over.

The only semi-sad part of this is that I actually went on a date with another guy who contacted me via the web site this past Saturday. And it was a good date. Like really. A good date. I left happy and interested. And now, I'm just not interested in making the effort on that front. So I'll never know if things could have panned out. I just don't have the energy to artificially construct something.

And I should admit that I played the game all wrong on the disaster situation - I should have said right away as soon as I knew I wasn't interested, that I wasn't. And for that I acknowledge my crapiness. I'm definitely entirely at fault on that one, but that doesn't lessen the humor of the IM.


So conclusions:

1. Online dating isn't my cup of tea, but at least I tried it. I think just trying it has taught me to be a little less snobby. For now at least. I'm proud of myself for trying something totally out of my comfort zone, and for finally admitting it to the world here.

2. I'm bowing out of the romance world for now. I'm clearly not ready to be in it if I'm missing my most previous relationship and San Francisco something fierce.

3. I will never make fun of online dating again, as I now have absolutely no right.

4. I actually have it in me to write the longest blog. post. ever!

So dig in...