Handwriting, Art, Classism, Love, Confusion
I may not be able to form a coherent thought, but I can type my handwritten notes from my last day in SF, and my plane ride back to Chicago.
6:40, 22 Fillmore Bus: Want to be the strongest female I can, even though it hurts, is hard, and is very lonely and alienating. But at least I have my integrity this way.
4:00: OAK Airport: My contempt and disgust of the rich continues to grow - I don't so much mind the self-made-money person - they worked hard to have what they have - it's the ones who receive family money, or the husbands/wives of successful people that make me want to gouge eyes out of heads. I'm not sure I can ever be close to an inherited-rich person again. They don't understand me, and deep down their values are no different than...I loathe the inherited rich with a passion that is very foreign and terrifying to me. They would argue I'm jealous or envious, and I won't deny it. It hurts to watch them not have to work, while I toil, only to see them be absolute hedonists. Art = Hedonism. I'm increasingly unable to appreciate or accept any artist who doesn't also have a day/night job.
9:00: Airplane over ??: I'm terrified of getting in a relationship and losing my rediscovered feminist values. I'm sick of watching men fall for the frail girl in distress, and calling the strong woman "difficult" or worse...It's a tall order to fill, I find myself worrying I'll never find this person. Thought X could be it but he turned out all wrong. Will take me some time to get over that pain of not only rejection but also poorly selecting/poorly judging. My cautiousness may become paralyzing paranoia in the future.
It's funny that I was writing about art and my contempt for it, only to have a conversation not even 48 hours later about how the only people who can realize their full potential as artists are the wealthy. Those who have funding from somewhere, who don't have to worry about how they will make rent or eat. JP brought up the good point of "Why is it that an untrained artist (one who doesn't have any formal training) is considered a folk or outsider artist? Whereas someone doing "similar" art (bad choice of words, but it's the only one I can think of right now), who went to school at, like, The Art Institute of Chicago, would be considered high(er) art?"
I've been stuck on that question for days now, hence my inability to write. I've been reading articles about it, trying to do some research to make a better post than this mildly-reactionary and classist post. In the end, it's not only art that is like this - the entire world is like this. Geniuses can be undiscovered because they didn't have access to college, or even K-12 school, while schmucks like George W. end up President. I never thought I would have so much class-related anger in my life.
I grew up just ok. Not poor, not rich. My parents suffered from the working/middle class dysfunction of wanting to look like we had more than we really did. Credit card debt was massive in our family, and I've inherited the same problem of spending more than I can afford. Both my parents had full time jobs, my brothers and I all worked since the day we got our Learners Permits to drive, and haven't stopped working. I had to pay my way through college and my MLS, and now have nearly 50,000 dollars in student loans. So many of my friends do not have this type of debt, and it is very hard for me to explain to them the crushing weight of debt like that on a person's life. Most of my friends parent's helped pay their way through college, or fully-financed it. These friends of mine are now purchasing homes, taking vacations, buying cars. These friends were able to study abroad. All things I cannot or could not do, and am not sure when I will be able to. And I'm the first to admit it's hard to be around people that don't have these struggles, and that I'm jealous I haven't had the same opportunities. I can also acknowledge that I am still better off than the vast majority of humans on the planet. The fact that I have two college degrees, a full time job with health care, and a roof over my head puts me ahead of even most Americans. Yet I still am barely keeping my head above water - all symptoms of the middle class. It's a very conflicting place to live in.
And then I hear about people who are fucking the system so they can get social security so they don't have to work because "the government doesn't fund arts." Or people who haven't worked in nearly two years so they could pursue their avant garde artistry, and who's family fortune has sustained them. And I get pissed off. Pissed off that I don't have the family fortune, that I have the ethics to not force the working class, who are disproportionately taxed, to pay out on my falsified social security check. Pissed off that I will always wonder what I could have done with my life if job security and money wasn't the number one factor in every decision I've made since early High School. Angry that I succumb to the commercialism of America, that tells me I need this cable modem and those stupid jeans I bought last week on credit cards that are nearly maxed out. All these thoughts are jumbled in my head, and I don't know how to synthesize them, how to make sense of any of it. Hence my inability to create a well-done argument or post about any of it.
I think the middle class will always identify with the poor and working classes, yet constantly wish they were of the upper classes. That is, as long as there remains a middle class in America - it's pretty much wiped out at this point.
I'd really like to know what others think of art and privilege, hear other people's experiences, especially hear from the upper class about difficulties they have encountered.
posted by I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T (Dye knows what that means) @ 10:50 PM
7 Comments
7 Comments:
Hmm well I guess I'm basically contractually obligated to respond to this. I don't think of myself as inherited rich but my family certainly is rich and I have always known the finer things (e.g. I was born in a golden helicopter). I also don't think of myself as an artist but I clearly create some shit that is artistic nahmean.
Unfortch I don't know if I have a lot to offer. To suggest that somebody with or without a day job is more or less qualified to do something creative is a little ludicrous. JP's question of folk/outsider art is indeed a good one, but realistically it's the academy that chooses what is "in" or "out" anyways, everyways.
I personally think it would be fucking awesome to not have to worry about living hand-to-mouth, check-to-check, whatevs and be able to make creative works that you enjoy creating. How can you actually resent someone for that? A., it's not anybody's fault if they are born rich, inherit large sums of cash, etc. B., WTF? Do you resent people who win the lottery for quitting their jobs? I mean struggle for cash has supplanted struggle for food as the primary stressor in our lives, so how can you hate on someone who has had that veil magically lifted?
That said, I couldn't personally imagine living off of a trust fund/whatever, just chillsvillaining it and recording jam rock all day. I have to have a job, and in fact, when I'm more productive at work, it helps me be more productive musically too. I imagine that most people would find this to be the case. Again though, I tend to think that I try create as many products as I can that people will hopefully enjoy--somebody who is on some avant garde shit has a much deeper "calling" (at least I hope, since it will NEVER be profitable, EVER) and therefore may not benefit from a productive worklife.
I've always been unclear about how to feel about the fact that my parents paid my way through college. On top of that they gave me cash for spending on random junk each month too--not a lot but enough and probably more than I needed. I always thought that this was out of a desire to want me to not have to stress about which things to favor--school, job, music--because they knew that music would be the first to drop off. And of course I have no loans to pay off now so that makes my life even easier. Frankly I think if I had had to face the prospect of paying off student loans I probably would not have gone to college. Pretty cool huh?
But do I feel guilty? Um, what? No. Again, it is not my fault (or _a_ fault, for that matter) that I am lucky and that my parents worked hard (full disclosure, my mom came from money but not as in she HAD inherited cash, MY DAD CAME FROM NOTHING like Jeezy). I know that I don't take these things for granted, though in a pure sense that is kind of impossible, since they WERE granted.
I guess the ultimate thing that I have to come to terms with is that fact that if I had not had the financial support (in one way or another) of my parents I would not have been able to put out as much music as I have. Even now when they do not give me any money whatsoever the fact that they paid for college so I don't have loans to repay means that their financial influence lives on.
However I obviously came to terms with this long ago and thank my parents copiously at every opportunity. Whatcha gonna do?
As an aside I think that most significant artists throughout history have either been broke or supported by wealthy patrons or institutions, not really loaded themselves. So I'm not sure how the connection got in there that good artists (day job or no) are usually wealthy and pampered.
Thanks for your perspective - it helps. I don't think I'd say that artists who don't have to work are in fact worse artists than those who are ass-broke 'outsider artists' - I think I'd argue that they have an easier time getting into the established art scene through their ability to devote all their time and energy to their art. Those artists who have to work two full time jobs to support a family may never have the chance to create art, buy supplies necessary, have the time, have even the idea that making art is a possibility when they are worried about paying rent...I wonder how many disadvantaged people are amazing undiscovered artists because of this - and how many impoverished people will never know themselves that they are artists also because they have mouths to feed and bills to pay.
Eat the rich.
Well, thinking the established art scene as a barometer for what is "artistic" is like thinking the Oscars are a barometer for good film--easy shorthand and financially pretty dead-on, but not actually true anywhere ever.
And yeah, there are tons of undiscovered artists out there. There are also a lot of really, really shitty artists who do it just for the enjoyment it gives them.
My parents saved money for me and my sister to go to college, i figure i'll do the same for my kid(s)/cat, lol
I question the assertion that the middle class identify with the poor. I think poor people are more marginalized than ever and there is more encouragement to despise them. During the last presidential election I read somewhere that most people (including lower-class doods) don't oppose lowering tax rates for the rich, because they aspire to be/assume they will be rich themselves one day. holla
I mean, don't support lowering taxes for the top income brackets.
I grew up working class, and through this experience I have come to see the power of work inherently in and within itself. I don't mean to get all marxist and I do not think that work is the ultimate end-all of things to accomplish in life, but I do know that I have learned far more from all of the things that I have had to work very hard for than many of my friends did as they had someone else pay their way. Sure, it is nice to be given things if you have someone to give them, but I personally feel that many of the things I have been handed I didn't actually need and in fact felt sort of uncertain about or had weary feelings about accepting. Maybe this relates more to the culture in which I was raised in which no one had anything large to share (and on another level instead shared many small things) but overall, I think that things that are earned are far more valuable than things that are given.
That said, it’s hard to write this as I am massively in debt and underemployed.
I also gave up an "art" career to be in this situation. I gave it up mostly because I never wanted to have to associate money with creating and sharing things that meant a lot to me. But my artwork is definitely different from many other countless forms of work. Perhaps in that it is personal, or perhaps in that I don’t want it to be a good, or a bit of commerce. I also wonder if this could change someday.
I think that I feel the same way about art that I do about class as stated above. If you are really working hard and dedicated and put some meaning into your work, that will show through regardless of your income, where it's coming from, etc. I feel like even among my friends it has always been obvious to me what has been created out of a necessity to make art and what has been made because someone thought that it would be a "cool" thing to do, etc. There's also a whole art versus craft discussion that could go in here, too, since many times outsider artists' work is labeled craft merely due to their status, materials or circumstances.
I also don’t feel much for people who have a lot of $$. I find it hard to relate, but I realize that no matter what the level of cash, there are always problems and weirdnesses tied up in it. The only way in which I resent rich friends is when they try to deny their status, ask me for money to support their artwork instead of their well-off parents, or pretend like they know what it is like to “not have any money at all” when this status only represents a week or two. It can be hard to keep up with their lifestyles (i.e. like in this post, living beyond your means), but when a friend is worth it, they’re worth it and they understand these differences and don’t hold it over you.
I guess overall this post has made me think about many of my own decisions and how intricately they are wound up in class. Not that I didn't know that, or that I don’t think about it every day, but I can very much relate to not having the support system and simultaneously having debt strapped to you at all times and how mentally this makes for much more desperate decision-making.
That said, I don't ever want to be rich. I just don’t feel like it’s right. I never want to have to ignore the things that the rich inherently must not see in order to remain rich. Probably also why I have made the decisions I have as well. I’d like to get out of debt and I would like to experience a lot of things I haven’t, but I feel privileged to have even gotten to where I am now, debt and all. I guess because I earned my situation on my own and without any, if much, help. Somehow this forced independence makes me feel comfortable with my shitty situation, regardless of my fundamental lack of control over the outside world and my lack of a safety net. I never had one, so I can’t really miss it or go looking for it now. I can imagine it would be nice to have, but I would not be me had I ever had one, I am sure.
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