relations

Last night was good and bad. I saw my friends band, May or May Not, do this special Halloween band night, where each band goes as a different band of their choosing. May or May Not went as Daft Punk, and it was incredible. They were so tight, they were having so much fun, the costumes were impeccable, and the audience loved them. I was so proud of them, and just feeling so great about all my friends that were there. Miller and Torri made a surprise appearance too, which was really exciting. Unfortunately, that hour was the best of the whole night. I had told a few other friends I'd go to a different show to see their bands play at this hellhole bar, Ronny's. The bands were good - I had never seen either one before, and was impressed yet again by the talent my friends possess. The bar itself was disgusting. I had to fight with the bartender who gave me 3 dollars back from a 20 dollar bill, for 8 dollars worth of drinks. The place was so overflowing with cigarette smoke, and the bathrooms were some of the worst I've ever been in. Everyone said they felt like they were in high school, and you know? That's not a fun feeling, I'm too old for places like that. Worse, they were cooking fried chicken in this wok up front, so the place reeked like fast food. There was also this defunct tiki bar obstructing most of the view of the band. It was just awful. As a result I wasn't in my usual jokey-mood, where I can handle getting shit from people, and got really pissed off at someone by the end of the night. I'm over it now, but I was really angry last night, which is rare for me. I went home and spewed the following cliched-crap onto a word document:

I’m sick of going to smoke-filled bars, sitting there for a few hours, thinking about how I’m all alone, watching everyone around me be with someone, and then come home to my dog and a bowl of cereal. It only makes me feel uglier and fatter than I already feel, like nobody wants me. Do I come off as untouchable to others? Damaged goods since Jake? I don’t understand.

So yeah. I was pretty angry when I went to bed. Then I slept for 11 hours, and when I woke up the Coping zine made by Alycia was in my mail. I had a submission in it, as well as a quote from an email I sent her. I was excited to read everyone else's submissions. I worried that mine was too open and too personal, but it turns out most people had narratives like mine and were open. Mine came off more crass than I remember writing it, but I still like it. I read the zine front to back in one sitting and reflected for awhile on the stories contained inside the cover. It made me want to ask my friends and acquaintances the same question: What did you do to cope with a major change in your life? Be it booze, therapy, books, music, positive, negative, nothing, everything, I want to know what people close and distant to me did. Are any of you readers and friends interested, or do you think anyone would really write something for me? One thing that sometimes disheartens me about many of my friendships is how little I know about the inner-workings of so many of my very old friends. I've known some people since freshman year of college, but don't feel like I really know them and what makes them tick. I'd love to hear how my friends have handled majors changes in their lives, considering I've gone through nearly every major change a person can go throw, and I did them all at once. Of course some of my friends I know better than myself, yet I would still value their submissions in more ways than I'd ever be able to verbalize to them.

Lately I've been really hokey with some people. Nick and Alycia are my most recent victims. I'll call them or email them to tell them how much I value my friendships with them, how important they are to me. It'll just come gushing out of me (for Nick the alcohol contributed to me being super sappy). I'm annoyed that I feel ashamed to express my value to people. I was told by a friend that in a grief counseling session (s)he attended, one exercise was that they each had to tell the other people in the room why they valued them, what they appreciated about them as if it were the last time they'd ever see the person. Apparently the exercise was very intense and emotional and freeing. I'm thinking of doing this, telling everyone I know why I appreciate them, and not worrying about how much they make fun of me or think I've become a Dr Phil follower or something. There have been some times where I could really use that sort of validation from my friends, and occasionally I get it, just not as much as I could use. On the other hand, I feel like a major charity case to some people here and it makes me feel pathetic.

Despite my writings on here and some of my actions, I think I am the strongest I've ever been in my life. I've discovered who I am, I'm comfortable with who I am, I'm ok with being alone for the most part (and for those of you who know my serial monogamy, this is incredible), I'm in love with my friends and my job, blah blah blah. I'm succeeding at living alone under the terms I want to live, which many people can't say. Every minute of each day is my choice, no compromises for others. And everyday I feel myself getting more comfortable with who I am, and eventually I see this crap I just wrote above disappearing. I can't wait.